Nikki Haley was the White House Nicki Minaj.
I learned last Thursday that Nicki Minaj’s real first name is not Nicole. It’s actually Onika. Nikki Haley’s real first name also isn’t Nicole, either; it’s actually Nimrata.
On Tuesday, the president announced to widespread panic and utter shock to absolutely no one that Nimrata “Nikki” Haley, was abandoning her post as United States ambassador to the United Nations, which is second only to being an elementary school student council president, and right above vice-president of the safety patrol.
Seriously what does the U.N. ambassador do?
Aside from serving as the U.S. representative to the U.N., here are some other interesting facts about Haley:
- Although most people assume she is white or biracial, Nimrata’s parents both emigrated from India.
- Her father taught at Voorhees College, a Historically black college in South Carolina.
- Haley grew up in Bamberg, SC, a town that is 57 percent black, according to Data USA.
- When she was 5, Haley’s parents entered her in a beauty contest that crowned a black winner and a white winner. Since she was neither black or white, she was disqualified.
- She once served on board of directors of the Orangeburg County Chamber of Commerce, a SC town that is 60 percent black.
Since taking the position as the international hall monitor,
Nimrod Nimrata Haley has only made news for being an absolute ass. In May she defended Israel during violence in Gaza and walked out of Security Council meeting when Palestine began speaking. This was after she threatened members of the UN not to condemn Trump for moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem
“The United States is by far the single largest contributor to the United Nations,” she said before the vote, adding that “our participation in the U.N. produces great good for the world,” ABC News reports.
She also joined the fray during the Grammys, earlier this year, after several stars including Hillary Clinton, read lines from Michael Wolff’s book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. “Nickname is Nikki but my name ain’t Nicole” tweeted that the awards show spoiled “great music with trash.”
President Trump hailed Nikki as she sat next to him in the Oval Office noting that she was “fantastic person” who has “done an incredible job” and said he would gladly welcome her back into his administration down the line.
“She’s done a fantastic job and we’ve done a fantastic job together. We’ve solved a lot of problems and we’re in the process of solving a lot of problems,” Trump said.
“She told me probably six months ago, ‘You know maybe at end of the year — at the end of the two year period — but by the end of the year I want to take a little time off, I want to take a break,’” he added, CNN reports.
He also noted that she attended all of those boring UN meetings (minus the one she walked out of) and looked stately and attentive, which is about 97 percent of the job.
Trump continued to praise her as “somebody that gets it” which is Trump-speak for someone who kisses his untanned ass.
“We’re all happy for you in one way, but we hate to lose — hopefully you’ll be coming back at some point but in a different capacity. You can have your pick,” Trump said as Haley smiled broadly.
Yes, since Haley was grossly under qualified for this position, with absolutely no international political experience. However, it must be noted that she appeared to be able to stay awake during meetings. If Betsy DeVos can run education, Haley can literally do anything.
Haley said “it has been an honor of a lifetime” serving as UN ambassador, CNN reports. She then added that it’s time for someone else to set in these boring ass meetings.
“There’s no personal reason,” she said, explaining her rationale for departing. “It’s very important for government officials to understand when it’s time to step aside.”
“I want to make sure this administration, this president, has the strongest person to fight,” she said.
She praised Trump’s foreign policy, saying “the US is respected.”
“Countries may not like what we do, but they respect what we do,” she said.
In a bizarre moment, Nikki, whose first name is not Nicole, praised senior advisers Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.
“Jared is such a hidden genius that no one understands,” she said. What the fuck does that even mean? Also, what if Jared had a Rain-Man-like genius that we really didn’t understand.
Also, Haley is not looking to run for president so don’t even ask her. Because she surely is not seeking the White House in 2020. And since no one mentioned her running for the White House, literally no one asked her about her political aspirations, Nikki found it pertinent to mention that she is not—definitely isn’t—seeking the White House in 2020.
“No, I am not running for 2020,” Haley said.
“I can promise you what I’ll be doing is campaigning for this one,” Haley said.
Fuck all of this.