Michael Cohen’s New Book Confirms the President’s Love of Golden Showers and Tax Fraud

Illustration for article titled Michael Cohen’s New Book Confirms the President’s Love of Golden Showers and Tax Fraud
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

What do you know, turns out that the president’s orange-tinted skin might not come from a slathering of Kylie Cosmetics’ Weathered Basketball No. 7 and well, it could be Russian prostitute urine.


I know. I know.

But this isn’t speculation anymore as the president’s former fixer and personal lawyer, the slimeball that is Michael Cohen, has claimed this in his upcoming memoir Disloyal, which I won’t be buying, because fuck this guy, but I will be borrowing from the library because the dirt on the president is that Russia’s favorite operative enjoys water sports.

An excerpt from the foreword of Cohen’s new book spells it all out in glorious detail.

“From golden showers in a sex club in Vegas, to tax fraud, to deals with corrupt officials from the former Soviet Union, to catch and kill conspiracies to silence Trump’s clandestine lovers, I wasn’t just a witness to the president’s rise — I was an active and eager participant,” Business Insider reports.

Cohen also claims that Trump won’t go quietly into the night if he loses his reelection bid for president as he’s deathly afraid of going to jail.

“I’m certain that Trump knows he will face prison time if he leaves office, the inevitable cold Karma to the notorious chants of ‘Lock Her Up!’” Cohen added, referring to Trump’s popular campaign rally cry against opponent Hillary Clinton in 2016.


And if there was any concern about Cohen’s bona fides, the former lawyer turned upstate New York inmate writes: “Apart from his wife and children, I knew Trump better than anyone else did. In some ways, I knew him better than even his family did because I bore witness to the real man, in strip clubs, shady business meetings, and in the unguarded moments when he revealed who he really was: a cheat, a liar, a fraud, a bully, a racist, a predator, a con man.”

Business Insider reports that Cohen, who surely had mountains of time on his hands in protective custody, “wrote the book while in prison in upstate New York, where he was serving a sentence after admitting to financial crimes and lying to Congress. In July, a judge ordered Cohen’s release from prison and claimed that the government had sought to punish Cohen for the book when it sent him back to jail following his earlier release in May.”


In the foreword, Cohen discusses his introspective musings on Trump potentially winning the upcoming election.

“The types of scandals that have surfaced in recent months will only continue to emerge with greater and greater levels of treachery and deceit. If Trump wins another four years, these scandals will prove to only be the tip of the iceberg.”


Trump and his gangly administration of evil white people have claimed that Cohen is nothing but a liar hoping to seek notoriety via Trump’s name after being jailed.

The White House did not immediately respond to Business Insider’s request for comment. Like, they didn’t even come out and say that the president hates pee-pee. Seems that would’ve been easy to just come out and say if it’s true.


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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Lord Whistledown

I bet this book has got Trump pissed.