Michael Cohen Might Spend His Time Behind Bars in One of America’s Cushiest Prisons Unless ...

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If you are white person sentenced for a white collar crime, then you want to do prison time at the cushy FCI Otisville. It’s all the rage.

Located about 70 miles northwest of New York City, guests (prisoners) are treated to an array of physical activities including weights, cardio equipment, bocce ball and horseshoes. The camp also has a basketball court, handball court, tennis area, baseball field and running and walking areas. Because the prison is so close to New York’s large Jewish population guests (still prisoners) have their choice of kosher foods, including matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, beef cholent and rugelach.

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So it’s no surprise that national heel, former lawyer and fixer for President Trump, Michael Cohen, is looking to do his time at FCI Otisville, the Disney World of prisons.

According to CNN, U.S. District Judge William Pauley agreed in federal court Wednesday to recommend that Cohen serve his 36-month prison sentence at FCI Otisville.

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At FCI Otisville, Cohen won’t have to spend his days fighting off attackers trying to steal his commissary or pay the huge markup for marijuana cigarettes likely smuggled in a prisoners butt. He will be able to work peacefully on his memoir, Oh, Bitch They Got Us Me: How The President Went From Bae to Bastard. 

Cohen is looking to spend his days in the prison voted one of America’s cushiest by the president’s favorite magazine to have his ass smacked with.

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But just because the judge recommended it doesn’t automatically mean that Cohen will end up there. In 2009, Bernard Madoff admitted to running a criminal Ponzi scheme and his attorney Ira Lee Sorkin asked that he be sent to FCI Otisville. Madoff’s wishes weren’t granted and instead, he’s spending his retirement at FCI Butner, a medium-security prison in North Carolina, CNN reports.

The news site notes that the decision for where Cohen will spend his next three years ultimately lies with the Bureau of Prisons, which has sole responsibility for determining where offenders spend their prison sentences. That decision is based on a number of factors including security needs, medical needs, availability of counseling services and bed space.

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It should also be noted that the Federal Bureau of Prisons is part of the U.S. Department of Justice, which is technically a part of the executive branch.

But there’s no way Trump would get involved with that, right?

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About the author

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.