The NFL season is upon us, and if you are a self-respecting black man, you don’t give a shit because you’re protesting this season for the way the league has treated Colin Kaepernick, whose silent stance against the killings of unarmed black, men, women and children has led him to being whiteballed by the NFL. But I know there are some black men out there who not only are watching but also are proud not to be part of the protest.
Below is a list of the 25 things I already know about you just by knowing that you won’t be joining the Movement for Black Lives.
1. You have an open Cristal bottle from 2001 on your dresser and you fished it out of a club trash can.
2. You spray cologne in the air and then walk through the cologne cloud.
3. You’ve sold your man an oregano-weed mixture called “Buckhead Kush Monster.”
4. You’ve dry-snitched on your brothers or sisters for having company in the house when momma wasn’t home.
5. Some of your closest friends are white.
6. You would have gotten on the bus during the bus boycott because your job is far and you don’t see how not riding the bus would stop anything, since we really should be boycotting the advertisers on the bus.
7. You eat mad amounts of mayonnaise.
8. You pee sitting down and wipe back to front.
9. You own at least one pair of pants that don’t reach your ankles.
10. You drink with your pinky out.
11. You lie about your job status and claim that your mother’s Nissan Sentra is really just your work car.
12. You have been the dancing black guy at all-white events and have shown groups of white people how to Cha-Cha Slide.
13. You still play music really loud in your car and have rims on your shit and you’re well into your 40s.
14. You wear driving gloves.
15. You have five profiles on Match.com to coincide with your five personalities.
16. You believe that slaves who left the plantation were uncouth.
17. You truly believe that if Colin Kaepernick just cut his hair and focused on football, he’d still be playing in the NFL.
18. You think that if all the unarmed black men, women and children had just followed officers’ directions, then they’d still be alive.
19. You’ve made this argument in front of mixed company.
20. You find your mother’s love of collards to be embarrassing.
21. You watch mad amounts of porn and have one of the world’s strongest handshakes.
22. You own a pair of Under Armour sneakers.
23. You wear weightlifting gloves even when you aren’t lifting weights.
24. You read Jason Whitlock.
25. You love overweight white women and use the term “PAWG.”