If You Think the #MeToo Movement Means You Can’t Hug a Woman Anymore, You’re a Simpleton Who Needs to Hug a Wet Electric Socket


I swear on the immaculate weave on Janet Jackson’s head that men are ridiculous, and if I weren’t sexually attracted to them, I’d join the calls to ban them permanently. Yes, I am a man, but like 2Chainz, I’m different, so don’t lump me in with these fools who continually give me the gender equivalent of white guilt. Fools like the ones profiled in this recent Associated Press piece entitled “In Wake of Weinstein, Men Wonder if Hugging Women Still OK.”


Are you finished rolling your eyes yet? If you’re not, I understand. I’m still rolling mine, too. The Associated Press quotes a man by the name of Steve Wyard who said he assumed that sexual harassment was merely “a put-out-or-lose-your-job overture.” However, in light of that blowhard Harvey Weinstein finally facing consequences for decades of alleged sexual predatory behavior, including harassment and assault, poor lil’ slow-ass Steven says, “Now he’s not so sure.”

“Have we gotten to the point now where men can’t say, ‘That’s a nice dress’ or ‘Did you do something with your hair?’” Steven’s simple ass said. “The potential problem is you can’t even feel safe saying, ‘Good morning’ anymore.”

I could quote more from the article, but why make anyone endure more idiocy? For the record, it was irresponsible to publish this without properly contextualizing what constitutes sexual harassment in the article. Likewise, while it does end with quotes from a female sociologist, it doesn’t remove the stench of the dense men quoted throughout.

If there’s any lesson to be learned right now, it’s that stupid men should have their mics turned off. Now’s the time for them to listen rather than speak. Lending them a platform allows them the opportunity to further soil the conversation with their dimwitted bullshit.

Enter Too $hort, who recently fell for the trap TMZ often lays for celebrities in desperate need of round-the-clock publicists.

When asked to offer his advice on those men “falsely accused,” Too $hort lamented that the “art of trying to fuck is over.” Why would the question be even framed that way? Spoiler: sexism and stupidity.


Anyway, so what is $hort Dog’s advice? “You just gotta kick back. Let’s let the women do the approaching now. Only fuck the girls that want to fuck you.”

Why do some men think women holding rapists, predators and sexual harassers accountable mean that courtship is officially over? Also, “only fuck the girls that want to fuck you”? Negro, that’s called consent. It should always be that way. Then again, five years ago, Too $hort had to apologize for a video produced by XXL that featured the rapper instructing young boys how to coerce a girl into having sex, which both he and the publication ultimately had to apologize for.


Too $hort did acknowledge in the TMZ clip that men have been “fucking up a lot” and basically encouraged women to essentially run everything from politics to Hollywood to corporate America. That doesn’t negate how nonsensical he sounds; nor does it absolve him or the interviewer for drowning in casual sexism. Not to mention, Too $hort sounds a bit disappointed that you just cannot whip out your dick at random around women anymore. Who birthed you people? Why do you think it’s OK to just pull out your dick without an explicit invitation to? I want the men who do this to wake up dickless.


Speaking of wishes, I want the paparazzo who asked the question and filmed this nonsense to run near a wildfire, toss his equipment into it and go find something else to do with his life besides making the situation worse. As for $hort, I want him and other men to get over the reality that they have to treat women as people rather than sexual objects whose lone role is to satisfy their sexual appetites. I love “Blow the Whistle,” too, but you’re over 50. C’mon, nah. Grow up!

Now, I also have heard women in daytime television—OK, Wendy Williams—say in jest that she’s weary of the current wave and how it impacts the workplace, which is not exactly helpful. I’ve seen similar critiques across social media, though. Hell, I’ve suffered through barbershop conversations about this topic, too. Yes, I came in with the purest of intentions—a bald fade—and ended up being tortured for an hour of utter foolishness.


There’s a difference between wondering if things will go too far and making the most out of the absolute least. In this case, women are not asking much. It’s not that great an ask for women to want to be respected in the workplace. It’s well within reason to ask men to keep their dicks in their pants; to keep their disgusting, unprofessional “jokes” to themselves; to respect women’s autonomy; to not be rapists; to not commit sexual assault; to not sexually harass anyone; to tame their inner creep; to not be any other variation of a predator. That’s not the same as being barred from a greeting or hugging someone—well, if they want to be hugged. A lot of y’all need to know, regardless of intent, that not everyone wants you to hug your ass.


If this lil’ pep talk has not calmed your outrageous, inane and child-left-behind-sounding fears and you still find yourself as a man no longer feeling safe, congratulations; you know now what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace. Now go off, fuck off, be respectful and show restraint around women.

Or better yet, treat them like men, which, whether these folks want to admit it or not, is the real issue.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.



Death to “where my hug at” guy!

If she wants a hug, she will hug you.