You know what’s more bizarre then two hot-headed world leaders getting together in a room to talk peace? Dennis Rodman. Rodman—the tattooed, onetime drug addict-and-onetime basketball player-turned-reformed drug addict, whose temperament can best be described as a faulty shredded trip wire on its last thread—has the distinguished privilege of being one of the few men alive to be friends with both the combustible leader of North Korea and the dotard president of the United States.
Like a father who doesn’t respect his teen’s privacy, Donald Trump apparently stuck his head inside a White House press briefing Thursday to announce that major news was coming.
That news was that the president of the United States and the leader of North Korea—two men who’ve literally gotten into a full-on nuclear dick-measuring contest on social media—are going to meet, and I don’t want anything to happen unless Dennis Rodman is there.
“Well done, President Trump. You’re on the way to a historical meeting no U.S. president has ever done,” the former NBA star told the Associated Press after news broke Thursday of the meeting.
NPR reports that Trump’s visit will be the first time a sitting president has ever met with a North Korean leader. Former Presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton visited, in 1994 and 2009, respectively, but only after they’d left office.
Rodman also added an alarming message to the president that immediately gave some of us pause: “Please send my regards to Marshal Kim Jong Un and his family.”
Wait, a trip to North Korea is planned without Rodman? Why!? I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a horrible thing, but Rodman might be the only American whom Kim actually respects. At this point, I understand that the idea of Trump and Rodman on Air Force One going to visit Kim sounds like a really bad movie idea, but seriously, why would the president ever travel to visit a man who’s reportedly responsible for some 340 deaths under his reign without bringing his best black friend? The Trump administration even claimed that Kim was responsible for the death of his own half-brother Kim Jong-nam!—who, I’ll have you recall, was killed in some really slick 24-type shit.
Here’s how PBS described the half-brother’s death:
Kim Jong-nam was attacked in a Malaysian airport in February 2017 when two women approached him and smeared his face with VX nerve agent. VX, one of the most lethal chemical weapons in existence, is banned under the international Chemical Weapons Convention. At the time of the attack, Kim was carrying the antidote to the nerve agent that killed him, as well as $124,000 in cash.
This meeting is just a really stupid move from a really stupid administration. Kim has been a boisterous threat since taking office, but he’s remained a far-off threat, and agreeing to meet with him could have disastrous ramifications. The only way a sitting president should ever meet with this little dictator is if he’s accompanied by one of the best rebounders in the history of the NBA. I realize how fucking stupid that last sentence sounds, but that’s where we are, America. Our hopes for peaceful talks between two egomaniacs lie in the shaky hands of a man with a bull nose ring and hair the color of Kool-Aid.