I really wanted to believe Stormy Daniels, the porn actress who claims to have had an affair with Donald Trump and is now denying it, because I hate the president that much. I wanted to believe the earlier reports she gave claiming that the president, who was not the president at the time of the alleged affair but was very married to Melania, liked to be spanked with a rolled-up Forbes magazine, because those are the kinds of juicy bits that make me laugh out loud as much as the imagery makes me want to vomit. I openly hate the president, and I don’t hate much except avocados, most white policemen and Trump, so I wanted her stories of salacious cheating to be true.
But now I’m not so sure. Last night, after the president’s inaugural State of the Union, Daniels, whose real name is who gives a shit, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and basically said a bunch of nothing.
Earlier this month, the Wall Street Journal reported that Daniels had been paid $130,000 to keep the affair between the sheets. The reported payment was made by Trump’s attorney. On Tuesday, just one day before Daniels was to appear on Kimmel, she released a letter denying all of the reported allegations. This, of course, is after Daniels had booked the appearance on the show, and it was too late for Kimmel to find someone else.
And this also comes after Daniels announced that she was going on a “Make America Horny Again” strip-athon around roadside strip joints.
But that didn’t stop Kimmel from trying to hit Daniels with the hard questions. He asked her why the signatures on her denial letter didn’t match up with the signature found on her autographs. Kimmel then asked if she signed the denial letter, to which Daniels evasively replied: “I don’t know, did I? Doesn’t look like my signature, does it?”
Kimmel then asked if she knew where the letter came from and if she had authorized its release.
“I do not,” she said. “It came from the internet.”
Nice. Sounds like someone is trying to milk her 15 minutes of nasty fame by teasing the idea that she is actually having 15 minutes of reputable fame.
Kimmel then told Daniels that if she didn’t have a nondisclosure agreement with the president, she could flat out say that she didn’t have one.
To which Daniels laughed and responded, “You’re so smart, Jimmy.”
Seriously, at this point, I would’ve been fine with Kimmel kicking her off his show. But he pressed on, trying to get Daniels to give him something.
“We’re going to play ‘Never have I ever,’” Kimmel told Daniels. “I’m going to ask a few questions about various things.”
She quickly responded, “This feels like an ‘SVU’ episode [of Law & Order].”
Daniels kept playing dodgeball. She didn’t answer anything; the whole episode was a wash.
“Stormy, one last thing,” Kimmel said, wrapping up the telecast. “Have you ever made love to anyone whose name rhymes with ‘Ronald Rump’?”
Daniels smiled and said, “I’ll call you whatever you want me to, baby.”
Uggghhhh. How frustrating. Hopefully this marks the last time we talk about Stormy Daniels, whose real name is ... who gives a shit.