Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

The opinions expressed in this article are the sole opinions of Michael Harriot. This is in no way meant to demean the puss-filled presidential wart fucking up America’s face. Anyone thinking of attributing these thoughts to someone else should note that this is typed in italics which, I’m pretty sure, makes it legally binding.

In May 2017, I, along with my research staff, presented a working paper to the American people explaining my hypothesis that the 45th president of the United States may struggle with reading. While many laughed at my assertions, I approached the subject once again in September of last year with an investigative piece that many experts have heralded with praise, often saying “well ... that’s something.

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While the American scientific community has largely ignored my findings, today we received vindication when the Washington Post reported that former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said Trump “doesn’t like to read, doesn’t read briefing reports, doesn’t like to get into the details of a lot of things, but rather just kind of says, ‘This is what I believe.’ ”

Before you nominate me for the Nobel Prize for Dopeness, I want to further my totally scientificological findings by pointing out a few more discoveries since the last time I broached this subject:

1. The Twitter Account

I seriously ran Trump’s last 100 tweets through grammar-checking software and there were only 7 tweets that were without error. Some of the mistakes, like misplaced commas, were understandable. Others, including random capitalizations (like the repeated capitalization of the words “tariffs” or “country”) and weird use of quotation marks, make me believe that he is not familiar with the concept of written words.

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I believe I have found the man responsible for Trump’s tweets. His name is Scott Free and he is also the man who negotiated Michael Cohen’s light sentence:

2. The Prayer

Outlets reported that Trump refused to recite the Apostles Creed at George H.W. Bush’s funeral. Some say it’s because he’s not really a Christian and doesn’t know it. But he had a paper right in front of him. There are only two explanations for this:

  1. He can’t read.
  2. As a true American. Trump would never pull for Apostle Creed over Rocky Balboa.

3. Rudy Giuliani confirmed it.

After Trump said he personally answered special counsel Robert Mueller’s written questions, in an interview with the Atlantic, Trump lawyer, incest aficionado and noted snitcher Rudy Giuliani said that Trump struggled with the written part of the Russian collusion exam, explaining:

“It took him about three weeks to do what would normally take two days.”

Three weeks?

There’s only one way it would take someone three weeks to do two days work. And I know you think I’m going to say: “Maybe he can’t read,” but I’m not.

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Maybe he doesn’t want anyone to know he can’t read. It takes a long time to play off illiteracy. He would probably tell Ivanka: “Can you believe this question Mueller wants me to answer? In fact, it’s so ridiculous, you gotta read this aloud ...”

“... And slow”

4. He always goes off script.

Have you ever noticed that he never sticks to his scripted remarks? It probably has something to do with how long it takes to sound out words. I’m sure being hooked on phonics is exhausting.

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Now, there’s nothing wrong with going off script unless you are constantly saying stupid shit when you ad-lib, in which case, it makes me wonder why he doesn’t just write down all of the things he wants to say. His rally rundown sheet would look like:

  • “Build That Wall” chant.
  • Say something racist.
  • “Lock her up” chant.
  • Say something more racist.
  • Say something negative about Nancy Pelosi, Obama or Maxine Waters
  • Lie
  • Think about Ivanka’s titties.
  • Don’t say “nigger.”

Those are pretty simple. Yet he still goes off-script!

5. He lies incessantly.

Now we know that Trump is a liar but he sometimes tells lies on himself. He said, on network TV, that he fired James Comey because of the Russia probe but now he says he didn’t. He contradicts himself often and I think I know why.

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Every word the president says is written down and available for review. The only way he wouldn’t know he said those things is if he never reads them. Maybe he really doesn’t think he made the “shithole” remark. Maybe he never reviewed the transcript where he said he was going to make Mexico pay for the wall. Or maybe he’s trying to cop to a “not guilty on the grounds of illiteracy” plea.

6. He doesn’t know what the Constitution says.

Maybe he calls the press the “enemy of the people,” because he is unaware of the First Amendment. That’s probably why Melania never wears sleeves. He’s a Second Amendment guy and wants his wife to “bare arms.”

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I bet that’s why he believes he can change birthright citizenship by writing it on a napkin. That’s probably why he disrespects freedom of religion and vilifies protesters. He doesn’t believe in equal protection under the law so he thinks it’s alright to support voter suppression.

It’s all clear, now.

Now, I’m not getting into the details. Like the president says: This is what I believe. But all the available evidence seems to show that Donald Trump can’t read. I swear on Apollo’s Creed that I’m not making this up.

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And if you don’t believe me, ask my attorney, Mr. Scott Free.