People across social media made fun of Donald Trump on Wednesday when he referred to the African country of Namibia as “Nambia.” Everyone laughed but me. Even though I am well-known for the sensitivity and politically correct tactfulness that I display on a regular basis (hey, don’t laugh!), there is another reason that I didn’t laugh when our president was standing in front of the United Nations reading like your nephew giving his Easter speech:
I believe Donald Trump can’t read.
Maybe “can’t” is too harsh a word. I think he struggles with multisyllabic words. This isn’t something I recently came up with when he was embarrassing the entire country in front of world leaders like he was taking an oral exam for a book he read on the way to class. I’ve known about his semiliteracy for years, but I think it’s time I outlined my well-researched list of reasons I believe this to be true.
1. He’s Racist
We can debate whether or not Donald Trump is a white supremacist, but we must admit that he’s at least a little bit racist, right? OK, now that you’ve agreed to that premise, you should know that “a little bit racist” is like your girlfriend telling you she’s “a little bit pregnant.”
Now, we can all agree that racism is stupid. It’s very rare that anyone meets an intelligent racist. Because I don’t want a bunch of “not all racists ... ” comments below this article, I will concede that there are probably a few smart white supremacists, but if you receive as much hate mail as I do, you will notice that they all possess a remarkable deficiency when it comes to reading and grammatical ability.
3. His Unconstitutional Policies
When Trump signed the executive order for the travel ban, targeted Mexicans for deportation, banned transgender people from serving in the military or went to war against the press, many people thought he was going down the path of an authoritarian dictatorship, but there might be another reason:
Maybe he’s never read the Constitution.
To be fair, there are a lot of big words in the Constitution.Who the hell even knows what “domestic tranquility” even means? Maybe a genius or one of those math eggheads who can do long division, but not regular people like him. And why does the preamble mention “posterity”? Everyone likes a woman with a nice, round posterity, but does it belong in the preamble to the Constitution of the United States?
And what’s a preamble?
4. He’s Orange
That safety-vest-colored spray-tan shit he sprays himself down with probably has some Thalidomide or lead in it. I bet it does. That’s probably why Bert was a little slow on Sesame Street. It’s the toxins.
5. He Hates Teleprompters
Remember how Trump chided former President Barack Obama for reading from a teleprompter all the time? What if it had nothing to do with Obama’s lack of authenticity but was because Trump was jealous of Obama’s reading skills the whole time?
He probably went home thinking, “Look at that uppity Negro with his fancy-schmancy word machine, showing off by reading words as they move, acting all literate and shit. I hate him.”
6. He Said He Doesn’t Read
During the presidential campaign, Trump told the Washington Post that he doesn’t have time to read and he never has. This might explain the reason he thought Andrew Jackson could have prevented the Civil War even though Jackson died 15 years before the Civil War started and ...
Wait, what? Trump said that? No, there’s no way. I refuse to believe that people actually voted for him after he said ... hold on, let me go read the entire article.
Sigh. Yeah, he said it.
7. His Tweets
Trump’s tweets have an amazing number of spelling errors for someone who made it past the fourth grade. He said Obama was trying to “tapp” his phones. He said China’s theft of naval secrets was “unpresidented.” He often confuses “too” and “to,” and said he was “honered” to serve as president.
Or maybe those were honest mistakes. Sometimes he wakes up too early and needs a cup of covfefe.
8. I Could Be Wrong
There is the infinitesimal possibility that I am wrong and Donald Trump can actually read. Which means he actually read the Constitution but chose to treat it with complete disregard. This means he insults world leaders just to insult them. This means he doesn’t care about the bills he passes or the executive orders he enacts and has no regard for the law of the land, Congress or the American people.
This would also mean that the man with the most powerful nuclear arsenal in the world at his fingertips could reduce the entire planet to nothing but ashes, roaches and toupee hair, not because he didn’t read the instructions, but because he is an insane supervillain mad with power and has an out-of-control ego.
Damn, I kinda hope Donald Trump can’t read.
Fuck it. I’m moving to Nambia.