Today was supposed to be a glorious day. Today was supposed to be the day where special counsel Robert Mueller’s two-year investigation confirms everything that those of us who didn’t vote for Trump already knew, that the president of the United States colluded with Russian operatives to steal the 2016 election.
Instead, to borrow one of the dumbest white phrases I’ve never used, this whole thing has turned into one big nothing burger. Literally, the president, arguably the dumbest man in politics, has played us all and I can do nothing but applaud his efforts.
The president has argued that there was no collusion. It’s become his catchphrase, he uses it during his rallies, he cuts and pastes it on his Twitter feed, he’s literally screamed it from the rooftops. And in hiring an attorney general who’s firmly holding on to the sweatpants leg that Trump wears as a tie, what was supposed to be an deep dive into the role Russia played in American politics has become the greatest political joke ever.
On Thursday, the byproduct of consensual man-love between actor John Goodman and famous TV dad Frederick Flintstone, William Barr, decided he’d hold a press conference before releasing the redacted Mueller report so that he could tell the American public exactly how to not-read the Mueller report. Let’s be clear: no American not being paid to read the redacted Mueller report is reading 400 pages of anything that doesn’t include Russia prostitutes and pee-pee tapes. In holding a press conference before the release of the report, Barr took one last time to tell the public exactly how to receive the report. He used the president’s buzz words “no collusion” several times and vigorously defended the president almost as if he’s not the top cop for the American people. At one point, Barr sounded like the defender of a lover whose gone into hiding because the rumors about their love were too much to bear.
In assessing the president’s actions discussed in the report, it is important to bear in mind the context. President Trump faced an unprecedented situation, as he entered into office and sought to perform his responsibilities as president, federal agents and prosecutors were scrutinizing his conduct before and after taking office and the conduct of some of his associates. At the same time there was relentless speculation in the news media about the president’s personal culpability, yet as he said from the beginning, there was, in fact, no collusion. As the special counsel’s report acknowledges, there is substantial evidence to show that the president was frustrated and angered by his sincere belief that the investigation was undermining his presidency, propelled by his political opponents and fueled by illegal leaks.
What does the president’s emotional state have to do with the report and how the investigation was conducted? Why is any of this relevant to releasing the report? This part, this melodic love tune sung by Barr, was for an audience of one who watched the whole thing on Fox News while an intern slathered his pasty white skin with orange extract.
Trump fired Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from this investigation and made clear that the next guy should be a Trump guy, and then he went down to the Slate Rock and Gravel Company and waited until the pterodactyl screamed that the day was done to ask if Mr. Flintstone had any interest in being his body man. The press conference Thursday morning confirmed that the Department of Justice is firmly in the president’s lap, which was further confirmed when Barr noted that Mueller didn’t conclude whether or not Trump obstructed justice, so he just filled that part in himself without being asked.
What was supposed to be a non-partisan investigation into a foreign superpower stealing an election from the American people has been turned into political theater.
The president has already gone into the special meme folder that sits on the desktop of his PC from Best Buy (because he can’t work Mac products) and released a photo of him as Jon Snow looking out over the seven kingdoms after Barr finished holding him down.
He’s now asked that everyone inside the White House refer to him as the true heir to the Iron Throne.
And somewhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin is sitting back watching his work and laughing at all of this.