This was arguably the best episode the series has ever produced. I enjoyed it so much, I watched it twice in a row. I vacillated between shock, anger and delight. And the niggas who crafted this still managed to surprised me even though I already knew what the fuck was going to happen. That, ladies and gentlemen, is hallmark of great storytelling. What an incredible finale. Since this is my final recap for the season it's a bit more comprehensive. Let's get in to it.
The stars of this week's episode, in no particular order, are as follows:
CERSEI LANNISTER: Empress of Evil, Baroness of Bitchery, Marchioness of Murder, Duchess of Doom, Countess of Catastrophes, Her Royal Heinous, Queen Cersei Lannister, First of her Name and Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms…for now.
My God. Don Corleone's medieval predecessor obliterated all of her enemies in Kings Landing by playing the highest hand in the fucking game. Despite my tremendous disdain for this bitch, I must give credit where credit is due. The niggas who were eager to dispatch her ass are now themselves dead and she sits on the Iron Throne. Here's what happens…
The trials are about to begin. Margery, Tommen and Cersei put on their finery. Loras gets a bath. Even the High Septon, who departed from his usual color scheme of dinge and beige, steps up his game with a cream colored frock woven from the finest Valryian jute. Tommen drags his feet. He's dreading the whole ordeal and seemingly can't bring himself to leave his room. Meanwhile, Cersei is oddly at ease, leisurely sipping a glass of wine while enjoying the view of the city from her balcony.
At the Sept, Loras forgoes a trial by pleading guilty to indiscriminate fucking, arrogance and perjury. In exchange for the gods' mercy, he devotes his life to the seven. The faith militant carve a painfully permanent reminder of his avowal into his forehead. At the palace, finally Tommen gets up the nerve to leave his room but he's stopped in his tracks by Frankenknight. He will not allow him to leave. Back at the Sept, Cersei is still a no show so the Septon sends Lancel to fetch her. As he exits the Sept, he spots one of Qyburn's little birds running down the stairs. Lancel makes the unfortunate decision to chase him. Back at the palace, Qyburn orders the rest of the flock to lure Maester Pycelle's perverted ass to a basement. He delivers an insincere speech about how he bears Pycelle no ill will as the kids reveal their knives and frenetically begin stabbing him to death. My God. Qyburn must have bribed these little niggas with a Willy Wonkaesque assortment of confections. I don't know how the fuck else to explain their dark turn from tattle tales to butchers. Meanwhile outside the Sept, the other little bird leads Lancel to a tunnel underneath it. He discovers the tunnel contains hundreds of barrels of wildfire. The bird sneaks up and stabs Lancel then scurries off. The folks inside the Sept are getting restless and Margery senses something is wrong. Meanwhile, Lancel drags himself on the ground toward the lights flickering across the tunnel floor. Margery tries to persuade the Septon that something is amiss and they should all leave. The Septon believes he has all the sense, he ignores Margery's warning because he is going to hold a trial whether Cersei is there or not. Margery continues to reason with the Septon, explaining that Cersei knows the consequences of missing the trial and she isn't there because she doesn't intend to suffer those consequences, she and Tommen are absent for a reason. They need to all leave pronto. Margery then grabs her brother and they try to exit but the faith fucktards block their paths. *sigh* Did these niggas not have to adhere to some medieval equivalent of a fire code? Blocking exit routes is generally a no no. Beneath the Sept, Lancel realizes that the light belongs to candles sitting in puddles of wildfire. They are rapidly melting down to their wicks. He tries in vain to reach them. The candles melt and ignite the wildfire. Kaboom. Every nigga in the Sept is blown to smithereens. Cersei watches from the balcony of her suite at the red keep, reveling in her victory as the wind from the blast blows in her face. But this bitch isn't done.
Next we see her wine boarding Septa Unella. Cersei outlines all the ways being an amoral cunt feels good to her. After bragging to the septa that she killed the high Septon and his sparrows, Cersei reminds the septa that she said her face would be the last one she'd see before she died. Unella finally speaks and says she is ready to die. Cersei mockingly asks her if she is ready to die today? Because she isn't going to die today. She is going to die for a while. Then she calls in FrankenKnight who removes his helmet as he approaches the septa. Cersei shuts the door as she chants shame, shame, shame while Unella screams.
Poor Tommen looks completely deflated. He quietly gazes at the flaming Sept. Then he removes his crown and jumps out of the window. My God. This is fucking awful. Qyburn fetches Tommen's remains and Cersei asks to see them. As she looks at his body her face registers no emotion. She tells Qyburn Tommen should be with the rest of his dreadful relatives and instructs him to burn his body and bury the ashes where the Sept once stood. Jaime arrives in time to witness Cersei's coronation by Qyburn who has been named Hand of the Queen. The people all look depressed. There are no cheers. They finally muster a very low energy "long may she reign". Cersei sits on the throne as Jaime stares at her with disgust from the balcony. Jaime knows this bitch is completely unhinged. The realm and everyone in it just caught a capital L.
PREDICTIONS: Well I guess the showrunners have seen fit to replace the terror wielding psychopath they wrote off last week with another one. This time the villain comes in the form of a high born ho with an insatiable need for power and her twin brother's cock. Like Ramsay, Cersei is depraved, delusional and odious. She is going to torment her subjects and commit a slew of heinous acts in the name of the crown. And like Ramsay her only redeeming quality is that she clever. Say what you want but this bitch has always been good for laugh or two. However, the ability to occasionally deliver amusing witticisms or concoct grand schemes with temporary resolutions has never truly served any nigga well in the long run.
Cersei's great failing, besides existing in the first place, is that she is a thoughtless bitch. Her continued inability to anticipate the long term consequences of her decisions will ultimately land her back in the trick bag she just left. All of her children are now dead. Jaime will turn against her. She has no alliances in place with other noble houses. She has destroyed House Tyrell, the niggas who fund her family's exploits, and declared war on Dorne. By doing so, she has inadvertently helped the cause of another younger, prettier queen who's sailing across the sea with a 1,000 ships, a coalition of warriors and vengeful noblemen and three dragons, to snatch her stupid ass off the Iron Throne. And if wildfire is Cersei's weapon of destruction, she is out of her depth fucking with that flame resistant bitch and her dragons. Cersei will be dead or debilitated by the end of season 7.
ARYA STARK: this week, a girl is a hot waitress.
Bron, Jaime and his Gold Hand are toasting it up with the Freys at a dinner party celebrating their recapture of Riverrun. Bron points out a rather fetching young woman on the waitstaff who's conspicuously observing Jaime. He reasonably suspects that she wants his golden fingers up her twat. But Jaime barely notices the young woman. He is sullen and pensive. Seeing men willing to die for honor time and again is starting to grate on Jaime's conscious. The Blackfish's noble last stand must've set this nigga on a path of deep introspection. And being amongst the wretched Frey folk reminds him of just how scummy he actually is. Walder slithers over to gloat about his victory over the Blackfish, a famed warrior. Jaime isn't here for this louse ass nigga's boasting. He asks Walder if he's ever been in a fight. When Walder replies that he's too old for fighting, Jaime clarifies and asks if Frey ever fought back in his day. Walder drones on about the purpose of fighting…its to win and he's won because he's taken Riverrun from the Tully's and ruined the Starks. Touche Walder. But when Jaime mocks him in response, Frey retorts that Jaime talks about war like he's an expert but the one battle he fought, he was captured by Robb Stark, the young wolf. He snidely refers to them as the two King Slayers and philosophizes that people may talk behind their backs and snicker, but they fear them. Jaime doesn't like this shit at all. His jaw clenches and his Gold Hand twitches. It appears for a second the Hand might raise itself and strike Lord Frey. Instead, Jaime pointedly remarks that people don't fear the Freys, they fear the Lannisters and the Lannisters gave him the Riverlands to hold the Riverlands and if the Lannisters have to ride north and take them back for him every time he loses them, why do they need him? And with that, he leaves the table. Way to use your words Jaime.
Some time later Lord Frey sits alone in a great hall, sipping wine. The fetching young gal who waited tables at his party earlier now appears and serves him dinner. This slimeball remarks that she is too pretty to be one of his and slaps her on the ass. He wonders aloud where his sons are. The waitress responds that they are already there. Walder instructs her to tell them to come to him immediately. She insists that they are already there in the room. He looks around confused, he still doesn't see them. Then the girl pushes the plate of pie toward him, indicating they are inside the pie! He slowly lifts up the crust and sees human remains mixed in with the pie filling. My God. The waitress casually remarks that they weren't easy to carve. What manner of bitch is this? And how in the fuck did she manage to kill, dismember and bake two grown ass men? Walder looks perplexed and nauseous. Then, in a shocking twist, the girl peels off her face and reveals her true identity…she is none other than Arya Stark! My God. She tells Walder the last thing he will ever see is a Stark smiling down on him as he dies. He tries to make a run for it, but she snatches him back and promptly slits his throat! Walder bleeds out as Arya watches with a smile on her face.
PREDICTIONS: Now I predicted seasons ago that Arya would eventually become a nigga you don't want to see out here in these streets. But apparently you aren't even safe in your home from her ass. She has fucked around and mastered the use Faceless technology and now she is boundless. She can go anywhere and be anybody. This is a most terrifying prospect for the folks on her kill list because she will always have the advantage of surprise. And seeing as how she also possesses some kind of self-regenerative ability, even if one manages to mortally wound her, she won't miss a fucking beat. That said, I need for her to reunite with Nymeria and her friends while she is in the Riverlands. And I do sincerely hope for her sake that when she runs across them she is not in one of her disguises. I noted in this episode that there were a several references to the wolves in relation to the Starks. The showrunners have a penchant for foreshadowing shit. Maybe this is their subtle way of hinting that the wolves might come back into play. Fingers crossed for season seven. Oh and speaking of dogs, the Hound might be joining up with Beric and Thyros. All three of these niggas are on Arya's kill list. Their paths will eventually cross. Melissandre is riding south by her lonesome. Her name is on the kill list as well. The Mountain and Cersei are also targets. Which name will Arya check off her list next? Finally she gets an exciting storyline for season 7. I am here for it.
SAMWELL TARLY…i guess: Maester of Castle Black and disgraced nobleman from House Tarly.
Listen folks, I cannot pretend to give a fuck about what is going on at the moment with Sam and his tag-a-longs. The only reason I am acknowledging his role in this episode is because he's finally accomplished the narrative goal they set up for his ass last season. This week Sam makes it to the Citadel. After being put through a bunch of rigmarole by it's cunty receptionist, Sam is finally allowed to check out the library. Now I am not sure if this is the main branch or the only branch, but I am leaning toward the later because it appeared to contain every book written in the history of the realm. I hope there is a card catalog in that bitch for Sam to reference so he can more efficiently find the written materials on the white walkers. If not, I suggest he head to the non-fiction sector of the library and start looking under the horror section. Good luck Sam.
BRAN STARK: Supreme Warg and new Three Eyed Raven.
Kudos to Bran carrying on the Three Eyed Raven's legacy of pouring pipping hot tea for us to sip. The Three-Eyed Raven was good for a juicy revelation. And now young Bran is picking up where the his predecessor left off, divulging all the secrets and scandals of the past millennia. Bran revealed some really scandalous shit this week. Bran's zombie uncle dropped him off at a Weirwood Tree so he could resume his trip down memory lane at the tower of joy! He places his hand on the tree's trunk and viola, he is transported back. Bran follows Ned into the tower. Lyanna Stark is bleeding out on a bed after having just given birth. I guess the Stark regenerating abilities skipped a generation. She is really upset because she doesn't want to die. She whispers to Ned something inaudible, then she says Robert will kill him and makes Ned promise to keep her baby safe. Ned takes the babe in his arms, the shot lingers on his little face then cuts to an adult Jon Snow. Thanks Bran for finally confirming Jon Snow Stark Targareyn's parentage. I am excited to learn what he'll uncover during his warg sessions in season seven. He's got to sift through the raven's mental records at an accelerated pace if he's going to be ready to take on the Night's King.
LYANNA MORMONT: ruler of Bear Island, Stark super fan, tide turner, motivational speaker and my nominee for Jon's understudy as Ruler of the North.
Jon and Sansa are holding a town hall meeting with their vassal houses and there's quite a bit of dissension in the room. The lesser lords are clearly not eager to align themselves with wildlings. Jon addresses the room telling them that the free folk, Knights of the Vale and the Northerners fought together and won. His father, political pinhead Ned Stark, used to say they find their friends on the battlefield. But the lords aren't feeling the camaraderie. With Ramsay dead and winter upon them, they'd rather ride to their homes and wait out the coming storms. Jon warns them the war isn't over- the undead are on the way and they won't wait out the storm, they will bring it. The lords begin to chatter amongst themselves. Lady Mormont decides this is a fine time to get these feckless assholes together. She stands and begins calling them out, one by one, shaming each for refusing to call. Next, she highlights the distinction between real niggas and shirkers. She declares that House Mormont remembers, the north remembers and they know no king but the king in the north whose name is Stark. She doesn't give a fuck if he is a bastard, Ned Stark's blood runs through his veins and he's her king from this day until his last day. My God. What a moving soliloquy! She manages to galvanize the forgetful fucks and now they all swear fealty to Jon Snow, the White Wolf, and hail him as King of the North. I knew this little girl would be a difference maker! I hope she is featured more prominently in season 7. She has plenty of sense and Jon would do well to keep her in his counsel.
SER DAVOS SEAWORTH: former smuggler turned child welfare advocate.
Last week Davos learned how his only friend and reading tutor Shireen Baratheon met her tragic end. This week he decides to do something about it. He confronts the red witch in the great hall where she is busy giving Jon some perspective about his childhood. He throws Shireen's burned stag figurine at her and she catches it. She looks ashamed as soon as she realizes what it is. He compels Melissandre to tell Jon about that one time she burned a little girl alive. Her admission sends Davos over the edge. He's devastated. He demands answers. The red witch scapegoats the Lord of Light while also throwing Shireen's parents under the bus. In response Davos says that her lord is evil. But the witch will have none of such talk! After all, her lord is the reason Jon is alive. Davos knows she right but he still isn't here for her rationalizations. He requests permission to execute her. The Red witch lobbies Jon. Surely having a witch on his team in the war against the undead will prove beneficial? Jon thinks a bit. He's in a quandary. On the one hand, he owes his life to this ho. On the other, she's a child killer. Since she gave him his life, he will spare hers. But she is still a terrible ass bitch who deserves to be punished. He banishes her from the north with a warning- if she returns, he will hang her for murder. When she turns to leave, Davos blocks her path and says if he sees her around there again he will kill her himself. The red witch looks pitiful as she rides away on horseback. Justice for Shireen!
SANSA STARK: sister to the King of the North who makes the shift from most pathetic to most improved.
Over the past six seasons I have alternated from wanting to shake the shit out of her ass to wanting to give her a hug. Her refusal to use common sense and mealy-mouthed approach to communication kept her in a wide range of trick bags. But this season we finally started to see a turn. We saw flickers of courage, leadership, good sense and strength. But we also saw arrogance, immaturity, duplicity and foolishness. I don't need this bitch to be perfect, I just want her to be better. This week she is just that. Sansa openly embraces Jon as a true Stark. She admits she was wrong for not disclosing to Jon her exchange with Littlefinger about aid from the Knights of the Vale. And speaking of that indelible shyster, this time, she doesn't allow his pimp game to compel her to act against her own self interest. She is not here for Petyr's picture of himself on the Iron Throne with her by his side. Instead, she remains at the side of her brother, smiling proudly as he is declared the King of the North. And she is now smart enough to realize, that while she has had a tremendous reversal of fortune, she still has a fucking problem on her hands. At some point, Littlefinger will have to be dealt with…permanently.
OLENNA TYRELL: a rich bitch, who has lost all her family along with her ability to give a fuck…forever.
Olenna has long struggled in the department of give a fuck and after this week she decided to give up the struggle and remain fuckless for the rest of her days in the realm. As such, any person encountering her from this point forward is putting himself at risk to be read indiscriminately. And if reading is fundamental then this bitch is a fucking litterateur. The deftness with which she can articulate a slight, slam, snub or sneer is unparalleled. She reduces niggas to a level of abasement so low, many never rise above the humiliation. Shit, the shame she leveled at Cersei no doubt compounded her desperation and aided her descent into madness. And to my delight, now this old bag has found her way to Dorne. It seems the queen of no fucks found a spare to loan us so we can begin caring about the Dorne storyline! Kudos to Olenna Tyrell for carrying the shit out of the Sand Snots immediately upon arrival. Ellaria Sand has asked Lady Tyrell to Dorne for a sit down. This sit down is the gift that keeps giving, with each passing second my enthusiasm spikes. First, Olenna gives us notable quotables like: "you look like an angry little boy, don't presume to tell me what I need" and "Oh do shut up dear" Second, Ellaria proposes an alliance with House Tyrell so they may both have vengeance against the Lannisters. And lastly, Ellaria rings a bell and Varys appears informing Olenna that her vengeance will come by way of blood and fire. The Tyrells are joining forces with Dorne and Team Meereen and I am beside myself with anticipation. YAAASSSSS!
TEAM MEEREEN: Daenerys' burgeoning, hodgepodge enterprise of dwarfs, dragons, eunuchs, warriors, bastards and aristocrats.
Progress!!! At long last this bitch crosses the sea! It took six years but Daenerys finally gets a fucking move on. And I must say, their travel sequence was nothing short of spectacular. Team Meereen flush with the additional personnel and equipment they secured with investments by House Tyrell, Dorne and the Iron Islands, sails to its new company headquarters in Kings Landing. But sadly, everyone on Team Meereen can't make the move. Dick peddler and sell sword, Daario Naharis, is told his services will not be needed in Westeros. He must stay behind and lead the transition team to keep the peace in Meereen. Daario takes his demotion on the chin. He is happy to do what's best for the company. But the move brings good news in the form of a promotion for others. In a rather touching scene, Tyrion Lannister is appointed COO of Team Meereen! He even received a personalized pin to mark his new role in the company. And you know this nigga has already put mergers and acquisitions honcho, Varys, on the task of vetting Daario's eventual replacement. This replacement will bring more than just a dick and a sword…he'll have a kingdom of his own. Look for Varys to begin due diligence efforts for Winterfell in season seven. Team Stark and Team Meereen- ice and fire, the ultimate merger. And do not let the fact that Jon is Daenerys's nephew deter you from envisioning this possibility. The Targareyns don't give a fuck about marrying their relations. A Jon and Daenerys union will be right in line with tradition. It looks like Team Meereen might be well on its way to having a monopoly on the Seven Kingdoms. Go team!
It's the season's end and I would be remiss if I did not briefly acknowledge all the characters of note who didn't live long enough to eventually die at the hands of the white walkers. Let's pay our respects, shall we?
Prince Trystane: the young heir to the Dornish kingdom caught a L and a spear through the back of his skull when two of the Sand Skanks slipped onto his vessel and ambushed his ass while he was mourning the death of his fiance. RIP sweet prince.
Prince Doran: the peace conscious older brother of Prince Oberyn Martell and ruler of Dorne. Despite being a paraplegic, he stood up to an angry wench and it ultimately cost him his life. RIP Doran
Roose Bolton: lord of former Stark vassal house, House Bolton. After a lifetime of marauding around Westeros raping women, flaying niggas and betraying his allies, Roose finally croaked at the hands of his deranged bastard. Bye Roose.
Walda Frey: Roose's wife and Walder's daughter. She was doomed from the moment she ambled out of her mother's overworn cooch. She was born to a lowlife and she was married to a lowlife. When you lay down with dogs, sometimes you don't ever get up. RIP Walda.
Baby Bolton: Roose's infant son with wife Walda. Born at the wrong place, at the wrong time, to the wrong family. Some dysfunction is just too pervasive to overcome. RIP little guy.
Balon Greyjoy: Lord of House Greyjoy and ruler of the Iron Islands. Balon's assassination by his crazy brother is a grievous reminder of what can happen when sibling rivalry gets out of hand. RIP,
Balon Shaggydog: the majestic beast was cut down in his prime by the very men who swore to protect his master. RIP Shaggydog
Osha: reformed Wildling slore and Rickon Stark's nanny. Life for Osha ain't been no crystal stair. But by being quick witted and resourceful, she managed to survive the harsh northern wilderness. Then this hapless ho encountered the Starks and her fate was sealed…death by association. RIP Osha.
The Three Eyed Raven: ancient visionary and perennial treehouse to the children of the forest. Despite having three eyes the raven couldn't keep at least one of them on that nigga Bran. This critical error got him killed and it could also have apocalyptic consequences for the realm of men. RIP old fella
Leaf and The Children of the Forest: magical elfin creatures responsible for infecting patient zero with the magical wight virus. The kids were slaughtered by their own creation as they tried to thwart the Night King's attack on their home. RIP Children
Summer: died senselessly and valiantly trying to protect his master from a mob of sword wielding zombies. Another direwolf gone before its time, fucking around with the Stark children. RIP Summer
Hodor: former stable boy turned devoted caretaker of Bran Stark. Another of Bran's victims, Hodor's entire existence was the shit trick bags are made of. This poor fellow was literally born to die. RIP Wylis.
The Blackfish: famed warrior and ornery uncle to Catelyn Stark.The Blackfish deeply regretted not fighting for his kin during the Red Wedding, so he died fighting for their honor. If there is a heaven for a G, the Brynden Tully is resting there.
The Waif: as membership coordinator for the Faceless Men, her primary role, besides polishing corpses, was hazing new its members. But she fucked with wrong one and got her wig pushed back and face removed. RIP Waif.
Wun Wun the Giant: a wildling Giant and possibly last of his kind in Westeros. After Jon saved the giant from that horrible shit at Hardhome, he devoted himself to the bastard's cause. He fell during the Battle of the Bastards but not before he ended Ramsay's standoff before it began by kicking in the door of Winterfell. RIP Wun Wun
Ramsay Snow: Roose Bolton's lousy bastard. When I think of Ramsay… the word heel comes to mind. While living he was the embodiment of a heel. And he died because his man eating hounds wouldn't heel. Good riddance nigga.
Smalljon Umber: Stark traitor and accessory to the murders of Rickon, Osha and Shaggydog. He was mauled to death by Tormund in the Battle of the Bastards. Good riddance nigga.
Maester Pycelle: the grand maester of the seven kingdoms was dispatched by his apprentice Qyburn when he ordered a mob of homeless children to stab him to death. RIP Pycelle.
Lancel Lannister: if a Lannister always pays his debt than this zealous ass nigga overpaid for all the sins he committed in the time before his religious conversion. He went above and beyond for the Faith Seven and died doing the most. RIP Lancel.
High Septon: the charming and incorruptible leader of the Faith Seven was blown away when his plot to snare that wanton shrew Cersei literally backfired on his ass. Go with the gods Septon.
Kevan Lannister: Uncle Kevan was a casualty of his own insolence. His frequent noncompliance with his niece's schemes ensured she would exterminate his ass at her earliest opportunity. RIP Kevan
Mace Tyrell: accountant for the Seven Kingdoms and Olenna's useless son. Mace really served no purpose so…yeah…. RIP little dude.
Loras Tyrell: renown knight and former heir to Highgarden. Loras suffered greatly in the last year of his life. Before his capture, he enjoyed a leisurely existence filled with fucking and jousting. Then he was forced to swear off all that shit and dedicate his life to the seven. Basically, Cersei put him out of his misery. RIP Loras.
Margery Tyrell: of all the victims of the Sept bombing, I lament the loss of former Queen Consort and veteran social climber, Margery Tyrell, the most. She was likeable, smart, ambitious, resilient and cunning…she would have made an excellent queen. RIP Margery
Tommen Baratheon: through no fault of his own, the puppet king was a simp and a dimwit. Sadly, it was foretold long ago he would die simply because he had the misfortune of being born to Cersei. RIP Tommen
Walder Frey: a nonagenarian with unmatched virility and lousy social etiquette, Walder decided to murder a crowd of unsuspecting guests in his home. So the karma traffickers saw fit to have him murdered by an unsuspected guest in his home. Buzz off Walder.
Carcetti Littlefinger primarily resides in beautiful Southern California where she makes a living as a developer and producer of content for television. A few of the series she's developed and/or produced have aired on Lifetime, WEtv and Bravo. Known for her extraordinary wit and general indifference toward the things that matter to most, she has been writing since she mastered the use of a giant pencil in kindergarten.