So one day God was on a bender. He was going through a bad break up and was really tying one on. Well, because God is God, he got hungry and the only thing open was a place called Ted’s Chili Hole. He’d never eaten there but figured how bad could it be? After 17 bowls of chili and cheese, God stumbled into the parking lot where he vomited and thus, Florida was born.
Florida, the armpit of America.
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Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis continues his journey to be the whitest white man who has ever whited. During an appearance on Fox News’ KKK: Kaftans, Klans and Krazies (seriously, who knows the names of any of these shows) DeSantis noted that COVID-19 mandates were a total government overreach and he plans to pardon any outlaws who refused to follow them.
“When our clemency board meets in the coming weeks, we’ll issue pardons—not only for Mike and Jillian, but for any Floridian that may have outstanding infractions for things like masks and social distancing,” DeSantis said, the Washington Post reports.
The Mike and Jillian that DeSantis is referring to are Mike and Jillian Carnevale, the Florida gym owners who opened their gym despite local pandemic rules telling them to shut down. They were first arrested on July 27 for violating the county’s mask mandate. The couple were arrested again on Aug. 6 and ordered to shut down the gym. They were released on Aug. 7 and promptly reopened the gym and were arrested again that day.
DeSantis, has spent the majority of his time in office showing former President Donald Trump how good he can hold things down, hoping that one day the president will realize that he’s a much better ball carrier than South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham. Obviously I’m talking about golf.
DeSantis has balked at COVID-19 mandates from the beginning, calling his state an “oasis of freedom” even as case numbers spiked over the winter, the Post reports. Just last week, DeSantis “signed a law suspending all coronavirus restrictions across Florida beginning July 1 and issued executive orders allowing him to supersede any local emergency measures such as mask mandates, school closures and business restrictions. Last September, he also suspended fines and penalties for those violating local ordinances,” the Post reports.
Florida, folks. America’s butthole.
In March, one-half of the outlaws, turned down a plea deal in March, and now “faces 120 days in jail on two second-degree misdemeanor charges, while Jillian could see 60 days for one second-degree misdemeanor.”
“Effective tomorrow morning, I’m going to sign a reprieve under my constitutional authority, so that will delay the case for 60 days against both of them,” DeSantis said, adding that anyone else who violated local pandemic mandates during that time would also be pardoned.
DeSantis added that it’s “not even right” to wear masks while exercising.
“The World Health Organization advises against it,” he said. “It’s not healthy for people to be doing that in the first place, so it was a bad restriction.”
Look, the mask mandate during workouts was super confusing.
“Last December, the WHO said that people should not wear masks during ‘vigorous intensity physical activity,’” the Post reports. “But in February, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention offered the opposite guidance, urging people to wear masks while doing intense workouts, pointing to case studies showing that gyms had repeatedly been superspreaders of the virus.”
Then it was announced that gyms were superspreader places, so the CDC definitely wanted folks wearing masks and gyms to have better ventilation.
DeSantis added that public health guidelines “should be advisory,” not “punitive.”
“And so we’re happy to use our constitutional authority,” the governor said. “I think they’ve been treated poorly, and fortunately, they’ve got a governor that cares.”
Straight From 
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