At this point I’m such a Florida news historian that you can tell me news that happened anywhere around the world, and I can tell you which event happened in Florida, the armpit of America.
It’s actually quite easy. Just listen out for the most bizarre, meth-infused news and chances are it happened in the butthole of America, Florida.
Like this story, in which a couple planned a whole-ass wedding at someone else’s mansion without ever talking to the owner. They literally sent out elaborate invitations to a house they didn’t own and didn’t have permission to use only for everyone to be told to get the hell out of here.
Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.
Apparently, Courtney Wilson and Shenita Jones invited family and friends to their “dream home and estate” for a whole-ass wedding celebration which included the ceremony on Saturday and a Sunday brunch.
The problem: the couple never spoke to anyone on the property about hosting the wedding. Maybe that’s because they were busy looking at all of the cool things the mansion was equipped with like, “a bowling alley, swimming pool with a waterfall, hot tub, tennis courts, a gazebo and an 800-foot bar. Wilson said it was God’s plan that the couple marry there,” the Associated Press reports.
Well there you have it; Florida’s God wanted the couple to get married there so forget the law and ownership rights.
Turns out that the current owner, Nathan Finkel, whose late father was an early IHOP restaurant franchisee, was enjoying his morning cup of Nescafé when he looked out the window and saw people setting up for a goddamn wedding on his property.
“I have people trespassing on my property,” Finkel told a 911 dispatcher, AP reports “And they keep harassing me, calling me. They say they’re having a wedding here and it’s God’s message. I don’t know what’s going on. All I want is (for) it to stop. And they’re sitting at my property right at the front gate right now.”
Two officers told Wilson he would have to leave. He did and no charges were filed.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Wilson told the paper. The Root reached out to God who noted that he knows the couple in the way that he knows everyone, but added that he doesn’t “know them know them like that.” He also said that he would never give anyone permission to trespass and then started babbling about how Florida was never supposed to be a part of America.
Finkel told the news outlet he’s been trying to sell the property for over $5 million dollars, which might be why the couple believed the house to be vacant.
Wilson reportedly scoped out the property a few months before planning his whole ass wedding there some several months before his proposed wedding date.
Wilson, posing as a potential buyer, toured the estate several months ago.
“A few months later, this guy asked Nathan if he could use Nathan’s backyard for his wedding,” Keith Poliakoff, attorney for Southwest Ranches, the upscale suburb where Finkel’s home is located, told AP. “Nathan said no.”
But why would the couple let something like that stop them when God was on their side? (God notes that he is on their side in the way that he’s on everyone’s side, but added that he’s not on their SIDE-side.)
They sent out invites detailing their love story, noting “how he proposed over pizza on Christmas Eve.” The plan was to have the ceremony and then a red carpet cocktail hour and a reception well into the night. The brunch on Sunday would be from noon until 4.
“The guy figured it was a vacant house and didn’t realize Nathan lived on the property in a different home,” Poliakoff said. “This guy had no idea he lived there. You know the shock that must have been on his face when he showed up at the gate and the owner was home?”
God noted that he too was shocked.