Donald Trump; Michael Cohen
Photo: Pool (Getty Images), Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

Riddle me this: Why would the FBI be searching the home, office and hotel room of Donald Trump attorney Michael Cohen for all the records related to the infamous Access Hollywood tape on which Trump was heard basically admitting that he thinks it’s OK to sexually assault women?

And why, as reported by the New York Times, would that same search warrant also give officials authority to look for evidence as to whether Cohen tried to suppress damaging information about Trump during the 2016 presidential election?

The Root Senior Editor Stephen A. Crockett Jr. has a theory.

“OK, here’s my theory,” he said to me Wednesday. “Cohen was Trump’s longtime fixer. Someone snitched as to how much shit he’s been fixing. And then [special counsel Robert] Mueller gave the info to the U.S. attorney, who then raided his shit. I have a feeling we are going to be hearing more about all of the shit they were looking for or found during this raid.”

“I can see this,” I said. “What’s that guy’s name on House of Cards that fixes all of Frank’s stuff?”

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Then I remembered his name is Doug.

“Holy shit,” I said. “Trump is Frank Underwood, and Cohen is Doug Stamper.”

“Except … ,” I continued, “Trump is too dumb to be Frank Underwood. He’s like the Great Value Frank Underwood.”

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And Melania Trump is no Claire, but I digress.

(Sidenote: Stephen actually interjected that if there were a Claire in this carefully crafted scenario, it would be Hillary Clinton.)

But let’s follow Stephen’s theory here. More from the Times regarding the Cohen raid:

It is not clear what role, if any, Mr. Cohen played regarding the tape, which was made public a month before the election. But the fact that the agents were seeking documents related to the tape reveals a new front in the investigation into Mr. Cohen that is being led by the United States attorney’s office in Manhattan.

The disclosure comes a day after it was revealed that the authorities also sought documents from Mr. Cohen related to payments made to two women who claim they had affairs with Mr. Trump, Karen McDougal and Stephanie Clifford, as well as information on the role of the publisher of The National Enquirer in silencing the women.

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And then this, in which the Times agrees with Stephen:

Mr. Cohen served as part fixer, part attack dog for Mr. Trump. He has acknowledged paying $130,000 to Ms. Clifford, a pornographic film actress known as Stormy Daniels, who said she had a sexual encounter with Mr. Trump. She signed a nondisclosure agreement, promising not to discuss the matter. Agents also sought documents related to deals with other women.

Plus, this court document, which indicates that after the release of the Access Hollywood tape, Stormy Daniels attempted to come forward with her story, as many other women did, but Trump attempted to “aggressively silence her.”

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Man, listen.

I have no doubt that Michael Cohen is an excellent fixer. He probably fixes with the best of them.

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The problem is, your president is a sloppy, big-mouthed blowhard with an inferiority complex that won’t allow him to shut his mouth. He has to talk and brag about everything in an attempt to show how big his twig and berries are.

Very little twig. Much small berries. We all know it.

Even the “real” Doug Stamper got overwhelmed sometimes.

I imagine it’s really hard being Michael Cohen. He wants to do a good job, but he has the worst client imaginable.

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Trump can’t get anything right. You tell him not to congratulate Vladimir Putin and what does he do? You explain to him how the post office works and he still gets it wrong. You give him copious notes on what to say and he goes completely off script.

He is a dumpster fire in human form, and Cohen cannot extinguish the flames fast enough.

What a waste of a good fixer.