Bereft of logical arguments for why any lucid-thinking human being would ever cast a ballot in favor of an incompetent, egomaniacal scofflaw white nationalist, President Donald Trump has resorted to a peculiar technique to secure a second-term dictatorship of the seventh-greatest country in the world:
In a series of typical addlebrained ramblings over the past 24 hours, Trump seems to have conceded that he is the IceJJFish of presidents. He has declared that he is to America what Carole Baskin is to first husbands. He seems to agree that he is light-skinned Aunt Viv; a wig designer on a Tyler Perry production; a feckless, immoral, shitstain on the bottom of a toilet at a backroad Citgo that peddles boiled peanuts, day-old hot dogs and live bait.
He said it, not me.
On Wednesday, the Teddy Riley’s goatee of presidents acknowledged his administration’s efforts to sabotage mail-in-voting when he told voters in North Carolina to vote in person after voting by mail, NBC reports.
“If you get the unsolicited ballots, send it in and then go make sure it’s counted,” the Windows Phone of presidents dumbsplained. “And if it doesn’t tabulate, you vote. And if they tabulate it very late—which they shouldn’t be doing—they’ll see you voted and it won’t count.”
And if you think the Fatal Affair of presidents’ felonious advice was one of the off-the-cuff riffs for which he has become famous, Trump reiterated his stance with WECT’s Jon Evans a few moments later.
Twenty-four hours later, after people intelligent enough to recall the lessons of seventh-grade pointed out the insanity of his argument, Trump tweeted another randomly capitalized directive that proves he has no idea how anything works. Instead of saying “my bad, don’t commit voter fraud,” he doubled down on his argument. He went on to explain he meant that people should try to vote twice...unless they couldn’t, in which case, they probably shouldn’t.
Apparently, Trump has no idea that 12 states don’t even begin processing mail-in and absentee ballots until Election Day, according to the National Councils of State Legislators. And, aside from being a federal crime, voting twice would only be necessary if—and I’m just spitballing here—a presidential administration blocked funding for the U.S. Postal Service while simultaneously dismantling the Post Office’s infrastructure, encouraging foreign interference, aiding voter suppression and bungling a global pandemic which necessitated the need for mail-in-ballots in the first place.
But the orange Kool-Aid of presidents wasn’t done with his public confessional. Later that evening, after scarfing down what one can only presume was a Filet-o-Fish and a large order of tater tots, Trump took to his favorite social media platform to confess that he was totally wrong about defunding the police.
Trump has now issued a five-page memo instructing the Office of Management and Budget to look at how his administration could possibly restrict federal funding for cities embroiled in chaos and destruction caused by shooting Black people. The guidance also asks the Department of Justice for a list of “anarchist cities” that he could defund because, apparently, President PT Cruiser thinks that if local municipalities aren’t correctly enforcing the law, then they shouldn’t get more money to fuel their incompetence.
The memo comes as the president seeks to intensify his attacks on Democratic mayors of cities that have faced civil unrest amid protests against police brutality. It specifically calls for a review of federal funding that goes to Portland, Ore.; New York City; Seattle; and D.C. Legal experts said the White House maneuver to restrict funding would almost certainly be met by an immediate challenge in court...
White House officials say the restrictions on federal funding are aimed to encourage cities to crack down on violent protesters. OMB Director Russell Vought said in a statement: “We are taking action by exploring all options to ensure Federal resources flowing to lawless cities aren’t being squandered. The lack of law and order surrounding these riots, and response from local leadership, is a dereliction of duty.”
Apparently, the Grape-Nuts of presidents believes that city, county or state law enforcement agencies that don’t protect its citizens from criminal police don’t deserve the money that citizens have paid to prevent being killed by criminals. Again, this is the entire point of the “defund the police” movement that Trump has railed against for weeks. Now he seems to be embracing this strategy because he is to “law and order” what hydroxychloroquine is to the coronavirus.
Finally, on Thursday morning, the hotel lotion of presidents suggested that government leaders responsible for mismanaging the COVID-19 crisis should be prosecuted. Trump noted that only incompetent leadership would allow nursing homes to be ravaged by the coronavirus. While he directed his animus at New York Gov. Mario Cuomo, one couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be sharing a cell with his homeboy Michael Cohen if prosecutors took his racist legal precedent seriously.
Also, if the black Air Force Ones of presidents can blame COVID-19 on the entire country of China, do we get to call racism the “White virus?” Should we refer to mass shootings as “NRAids?” Now people will finally acknowledge that I used the correct medical terminology when I insisted that white women call the police because they are affected by the Karenavirus (Not to be confused with Caucasian Cell Anemia.)
Trump is so scared of losing the upcoming election that he seems to be throwing his own feces against a wall just to see if it sticks. His only path to electoral victory seems to rest on the legal precedent of “I broke it, so you should let me fix it.” His nervous, reckless flailing might come across as desperate but I appreciate it. It’s like when a victim gets to hear their abuser admit their guilt before a judge hands down a sentence.
Plus, if we’re lucky, we might one day wake up to see that the micropenis erectile dysfunction of presidents tweeted this: