There is no way to know if Jon Gruden is racist, homophobic, sexist or prejudiced in any way.
Before resigning as head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders, Jon “NSFW” Gruden explained why he referred to NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith, who is more educated than Gruden, as “Dumborris,” saying: “I don’t think he’s dumb. I don’t think he’s a liar. I don’t have a racial bone in my body, and I’ve proven that for 58 years.”
Gruden is right. We know absolutely nothing about his bones, cartilage or whether or not his skeleton has ever used the n-word All we know is that the now-disgraced ex-coach did racist things. He didn’t just say stuff, he put it in writing and sent it out into the world. Still, friends of Gruden, like ESPN analysts Mike Tirico and Tony Dungy, adamantly defended all of Gruden’s body parts, declaring that Gruden heart, bones and brain were bigotry-free.
“I’m not gonna chalk everything up to racism,” said Dungy, as Tirico, who once said he didn’t know whether or not he was actually Black, noted that he had never seen any signs of racism from his former coworker. Although some have noted that literally nothing in the known universe works this way, it is easy to understand why someone who is perplexed about his own negrosity could believe that things didn’t exist if he didn’t know about them. If we get to ignore documented evidence about vaccines, elections and Ted Cruz being the Zodiac killer, then why not Gruden’s racism? In fact, how can one truly know if their friend is infected with racist bone disease?
Luckily, we’re here to help. To assist you solve this medical mystery, the researchers who first discovered skeletal racism created this handy quiz to help laypeople diagnose their friend with Congenital Osteowypiposis, commonly known as the “racist bone.”
1. Is your friend white?
A. So you’re getting to it right out of the gate, huh?
B. They’re more of a buttermilk-ish hue, like Subway turkey meat.
C. I don’t see color.
D. Why does this matter?
2. Are you white?
A. Again, what does race have to do with racism?
B. 23AndMe says I’m .02 percent Turkish, which makes me a person of color.
C. I have a Black friend/partner/child/cousin-in-law.
D. We’re all the same color inside.
3. According to an actual book that defines words, racism is “a belief that race is a fundamental determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race,” or “behavior or attitudes that reflect and foster this belief.”
Did your friend do or say something that fits this definition?
A. It was a little inappropriate but I’m sure it was just a joke.
B. Kinda...but he/she was drinking at the time and they’ve been going through a lot lately.
C. Maybe. Why do you want to know?
D. I don’t necessarily think we should use definitions to define things.
4. Wait...You’re still taking this test after you already answered No. 3?
A. I like to finish things. You said there were 15 questions!
B. I really like my friend, so I’m hoping to find a loophole.
C. How can I be sure my friend is racist if I don’t finish the quiz?
D. You’re being very judgmental right now. Maybe you’re the real racist.
5. OK. I guess we’ll continue. So...Umm....What does your friend do for a living?
A. Earned the richest contract in NFL coaching history after serving as ESPN’s highest-paid employee.
B. Served as president and GM of an NFL franchise with a racist name.
C. Runs an organization that employed a racist.
D. Worked for an organization that hired the other racist.
6. Using the definition of racism, how would you know that an organization was racist?
A. If the people in the organization displayed “behaviors or attitudes that reflect or foster” racism.
B. If the white billionaire owners—one of whom made multiple racial remarks—prevented an employee from working after deciding that the Black employee was good enough to work but was too militant. Then, they refused to hire Black coaches...Or Black general managers...But was perfectly fine with racists ones. And to solve their diversity problem, they got Jay-Z to hire negroes to dance at Super Bowl halftime.
C. If the owner of the organization was adamant about his right to use a racial slur like “Redskins” while the president of the organization was not only silent about his friend’s racist emails but also hired the racist friend’s brother to coach the organization.
D. If the most prominent positions in the company (such as the announcer of the most-watched cable show) was held by a racist while the culture at the organization made non-white people bolt for the door again and again and again and again and again.
7. I can’t believe you made it this far! Bruh, you gotta face facts but I guess we’ll keep going. Why do you think your friend is not racist?
A. They hire Black people for lower, less powerful positions. Would a racist do that?
B. I don’t like to jump to conclusions. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
C. I know what’s in his/her heart.
D. Because...I mean...not all white people
8. Can birds fly?
A. Of course they can!
B. What does this have to do with racism?
C. Not penguins. Or chickens. What about eagles with broken wings? I guess I’m saying: “Not all eagles.”
D. I feel like you’re about to trick me.
9. If you saw a bird perched on a telephone pole, but you didn’t see it fly up there, does that mean it’s not a bird?
A. Of course not!
B. I see where you’re going with this.
C. Does the bird have an email address? I’d like to send him a few comments.
D. I knew you were going to trick me.
10. Do you think it is impossible that your white friend could be racist and you never saw it?
A. When you put it like that...
B. It’s possible, but I know my friend.
C. You’re making some very good points.
D. Nope. It’s impossible.
11. What is a liar?
A. A person who lies.
B. A resting or sleeping place, especially that of a wild...Oh, wait. That’s a lair. Ok, I’ll go with A.
C. Jon Gruden.
D. A person who tried to convince you that a joke about someone having “lips the size of Michelin tires” was about rubber and had nothing to do with race.
12. How do you know what’s in a person’s heart?
A. An x-ray...Duh!
B. By listening to the person apologize at the press conference to “anyone who was offended.”
C. You can only judge people by their actions.
D. You disregard documentary proof and ignore the person’s deeds. Instead, you should listen to people who only knew the person in a professional capacity and have never publicly made a critical statement about racial issues.
13. Have you ever been wrong about someone?
A. Once or twice.
B. I’m human.
C. Yes, but I’m sure I’m right about this.
D. No. I’ve never dated a fuckboy, all my friends have been loyal and I can choose the fastest checkout aisle simply by looking at the people in line.
14. So, if there is a small possibility that someone could be racist and still be friendly around a Black person...and people sometimes misjudge others...and you can only truly judge someone by their actions... and there exists an objective definition of racism...
Then what would you call someone who actually does racist things?
A. Jon Gruden.
C. The Washington Redsk–... I mean Football Team.
D. The National Football League.
15. Now that you’ve discovered that one of your friends may have a racist bone in his or her body, how do you fix it?
A. Openly acknowledge my racism and take steps to correct the issue.
B. Solicit some Black people to assure the public that I’m not racist; release a statement and say “this is the last time I will address this issue.”
C. Declare that “I don’t have a racist bone in my body,” wait until more information comes out and resign in disgrace.
D. Pretend as if it was one racist guy who did one racist thing and pretend the guy wasn’t so comfortable being racist that he shared his racism in the organization where he worked, which was only discovered when investigators were trying to find out about a whole different systemic abuse issue while continuing to make billions off the labor of the Black bodies you obviously don’t give a fuck about.
The correct answer to every question is:
E. Fuck the NFL, ESPN, Jon Gruden and all the racist bones in all the racist bodies.
Or the n-word.