Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Deputy U.S. Attorney General Rod Rosenstein
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

During President Donald Trump’s tweet storm from his private shithole known commonly as Mar-a Lago in Florida, the president of coastal Kansas tweeted a gem of sorts that got many wondering what the hell kind of medication he’s been taking.

I’m talking, of course, about the nicknames he reportedly gave Attorney General Jeff “King Keebler” Sessions and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. According to the Washington Post, Trump referred to the two Cabinet members as Mr. Magoo and Mr. Peepers, respectively.

Here are photos of Sessions and Mr. Magoo:

Jeff Sessions; Mr. Magoo
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images), Screenshot: YouTube

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And here are photos of Mr. Peepers and Rosenstein:

Mr. Peepers; Rod Rosenstein
Screenshot: YouTube, Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

Using in-depth analysis of a plethora of data dating back to Trump’s birth year, I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Donald J. Trump made up these glorious nicknames for both Sessions and Rosenstein.

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First off, Trump is a liar. He was a liar as a child. He was a liar as a preteen, teen, young adult and middle-aged adult and now as president. In fact, one of Trump’s best assets is his ability to lie. He lies about lying and then lies about that. He will lie about lies that are easily disapproved and then lie about having ever lied.

The data analytics show that 82.32 percent of anything Trump says is a lie, so when Trump says that he never called Sessions “Mr. Magoo” and Rosenstein “Mr. Peepers,” it’s safe to assume that he’s lying. If Trump tells you it’s Monday, check your Apple Watch and then check it again, because there is a good chance that he’s lying.

Trump is such a liar that he made up an imaginary friend named Jim and once acted as his own publicist to help spread lies about his wealth and his imaginary sex life.

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I. Wish. I. Was. Joking.

Second, Trump hates Sessions. He’s hated him ever since Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. Trump hates Mr. Magoo for not going after special counselor Robert Mueller. Basically, Trump hates Sessions for not protecting Trump.

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Trump also hates Rosenstein for picking a special counselor like Robert Mueller. He really despises Robert Mueller. If the White House is The Office and Trump is Michael Scott, then Rosenstein is Toby Flenderson.

Trump hates Rosenstein so much that he wants to fire Rosenstein. Both Democrats and Republicans are urging the president not to do this. In fact, Sessions has gone on record to note that if Rosenstein is fired, then he might have to leave, too. But Trump doesn’t care because he hates them both.

Third, Trump loves nicknames. He gives everyone nicknames. Remember “Crazy” Joe Biden, “Low Energy” Jeb Bush and “Wild Bill” Clinton? Hell, he’s had several for Hillary Clinton alone. He waffled back and forth between calling her “Crooked,” “Lyin’” and “Heartless” Hillary. He has also created disparaging monikers for James Comey, including “Lying” and “Slippery.”

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Trump has made nicknaming the people he doesn’t like his thing. It’s as connected to the administration as those dumb-ass “Make America Great Again” hats.

Fourth, who the fuck are Mr. Magoo and Mr. Peepers? I know Mr. Magoo vaguely because I’m old, but I’m not Trump old. Turns out Mr. Magoo is a cartoon character that first appeared around the late 1940s, and Mr. Peepers (assuming that Trump isn’t referring to the half-monkey, half-man Mr. Peepers played by Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live) is a character from a 1950s sitcom. Who else but Trump, who loves to nickname people he hates, would go way back to a time when TVs had dials to craft such accurate nicknames?

Finally—and this can’t be overlooked—Trump is a liar who lies about lying, and even when he’s caught lying, he will lie about having ever said the initial lie. Trump is such a liar that lawyers don’t even want to work with him. And lawyers basically get paid to lie! Trump lies so often that even professional liars are like: “Nah, I can’t work with him. He lies too much. It makes my lies look pale in comparison.” Basically, Donald Trump is the Russell Westbrook of liars.

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So did Trump call Jeff Sessions “Mr. Magoo” and Rod Rosenstein “Mr. Peepers”? Of course he did.

That’s just science.