It was set up to be a big speech, and as President Two Macs von NoFries was ending his announcement recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, he began slurring his speech. And before you get all “Hey, he might have been having a stroke; have you seen how bad he eats?” on me, I assure you that he wasn’t.
How do I know? Look, the devil is working overtime, and his best work is in the White ...
He’s fine. And if you don’t believe my devil theory, here’s what CNN’s chief medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a practicing neurosurgeon, and Michael de Riesthal, a speech and language pathologist, told the news station.
“There is clearly some abnormalities of his speech,” Gupta, who watched the video several times, told CNN. “You could call it slurring or just a little bit of difficulty forming the words.”
“There was definitely some imprecise progressive change in articulatory precision and slowing of his speech that is not typical in normal speech,” said de Riesthal, an assistant professor in hearing and speech sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center and the director of the Pi Beta Phi Rehabilitation Institute. “The distortion of his articulation, though, is unknown in etiology.”
Anyway, right at the end of his speech, the president was delivering his thank-yous, and it sounded like this:
“Thank you, God bless you, God bless Israel, God bless the Palestinians and God bless the United Shaehs,” Trump said.
I wish a reporter had asked the president where exactly is the “United Shaehs” and if we are on peaceful terms with them.
Because a good portion of social media users hate the man, it didn’t take long for theories to hit the webs, and I will do my best to debunk them.
Hey, Millennial Politics:
Trump is on drugs. He is high off white privilege, which is why he can be heard breathing so hard. It’s intoxicating and it fills the air around him.
No, he didn’t have a minor stroke, because the devil is not done with him.
Hey, Palmer Report:
The soul is the adhesive that allows teeth to stay in place. Since Trump is soulless, and, well ... maybe his teeth were falling out.
Don’t be alarmed, ThisIsNotNormal:
The president is fine. Unless you consider toxic xenophobia and rampant misogyny to be symptoms of a larger issue, there is really nothing to see here.
Hey, Christina Ward:
No, they don’t care anymore.
Hey, Some of the Day with Jeremy Newberger:
Well played, my man. Well played.
What may have been worse than the theories pushed around the interwebs is the excuse coming from the White House.
A White House spokesperson told the media outlet Quartz that Trump had a case of “dry mouth.”
Who is this spokesperson, and why would he say this out loud? Is there anything wrong with dry mouth? No. But this spokesperson is working for one of the most dishonest and despicable administrations that this country has ever seen, and the best that this spokesperson could come up with is dry mouth?
Here’s what the spokesperson should have said:
Have you ever eaten a nonripe ostrich egg? Well, let me tell you that the president only dines on ostrich eggs, and my guess is that he got a bad one. That shit can sit on your stomach like only an ostrich egg can, and I know that the general public isn’t familiar with struthio camelus reflux, but when that happens, you have about three minutes to down a chalice ... I apologize ... a goblet of ale, or you begin to feel the intoxicating euphoria that can wreak havoc on your mandible.
Yeah, that nigga’s dentures fell out.
Either way, Trump once produced a letter from some goofball claiming to be a doctor who noted that he was in good health, so we will all just go with that for the time being.