Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially back in business. Let’s get to it.
Arizona Cardinals outside linebacker Chandler Jones spent his entire offseason participating in my favorite pastime: trying to figure out how the in the hell to make more money. Sadly, his employer hasn’t seemed particularly eager to fulfill that request, which means the same person who’s collected the most sacks in the NFL since 2012 entered this season a bit perturbed. And on Sunday afternoon, with no other option, he unleashed that unbridled rage upon the hapless Tenessee Titans offensive line.
In the first quarter alone, the three-time Pro Bowler had three sacks.
And by the time the dust had cleared, Jones finished the game with five sacks and two forced fumbles; confirming the fact that yes, he does in fact eat babies for breakfast. Coincidentally, he also ensured that he’ll be doing the backstroke in enormous piles of money like Scrooge McDuck very soon.
After the game, Taylor Lewan, the poor unfortunate offensive tackle who was tasked with trying to prevent Jones from disemboweling Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill, offered a glowing endorsement in favor of paying the Cardinals’ resident executioner his fucking money.
“Got my ass kicked today, no way around that,” he tweeted from the afterlife. “I let the team and the fans down. Thank you [Jones] for exposing me. It will only force me to get better.”
Somebody tell Cardinals general manager Steve Keim that he might wanna cut that check.
It’s waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too early to draw any definitive conclusions about this crop of rookie quarterbacks, but that didn’t stop Twitter from shitting all over No. 1 overall draft pick Trevor Lawrence after he struggled in his NFL debut against—of all teams—the Houston Texans.
I mean, sure; he threw three touchdowns, but he also threw just as many interceptions—earning his first three interception-game of his entire career, including high school and college.
Per ESPN, it’s also the first time the former Clemson standout has ever had a losing record (the season is exactly one game old, but still) as a starting quarterback and the first time Jaguars dictator Urban Meyer opened the season with an L as a head coach.
Welcome to Jacksonville!
“It’s inexcusable the things that need to be fixed,” Meyer said. “Three preseason games you’d think we’d have that fixed, so that’s something that we’re going to. [...] I would guesstimate you would not see that again. That’s inexcusable.”
That’s one way to describe getting shellacked by a team that trotted out arguably the worst roster in the entire league on Sunday and still ran up 37 points on the Jags.
Elsewhere in the country, there was a Justin Fields sighting...
Trey Lance put Jimmy Garoppolo on notice...
And Zack Wilson and Mac Jones didn’t embarrass themselves either.
It’s looking like this class of rookie quarterbacks will all be terrorizing the league a lot sooner than pundits think.
I don’t know who in the hell the Green Bay Packers drug out on the field on Sunday during their jaw-dropping 38-3 loss to the New Orleans Saints—maybe it should’ve been Jameis Winston—but there’s no way in hell that was arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game that was orchestrating their offense.
During Sunday’s shit show, Mr. Monotone accomplished the following feats before backup Jordan Love finally took the field to take him out of his misery, per NFL GameDay:
- Rogers’ 133 passing yards were his worst since Week 8 in 2015.
- His 53.5 completion percentage and 36.8 passer rating were his worst since Week 15 in 2014.
- His 35-point ass beating was the largest margin of defeat he’s ever been on the receiving end of.
“This is a good kick in the you-know-where,” said Rodgers, who threw as many touchdowns as Tim Tebow did while watching from home. “We felt like we were going to go up and down the field on whoever they have and that obviously wasn’t the case.”
That’s one way to put it.
Between trade demands, contract uncertainty, and Rogers’ insistence that Packers general manager Brian Gutekunst be fired, the team had plenty of marital strife throughout the offseason. And while anyone can get their ass kicked on national television on any given Sunday, for the teams’ sake, hopefully their season opener was merely an isolated incident.
- Jameis Winston, who finished with only 148 passing yards but was kind enough to include five complimentary touchdown passes.
- The Los Angeles Chargers Twitter account, who took trolling to another level on Sunday:
- Maia Chaka, who became the first Black woman to officiate an NFL game!
Catch y’all next week.