Illustration: Elena Scotti (GMG)

At this point, people are becoming hashtags in a way we never imagined. #PermitPatty, #BBQBecky and other melanin-deficient folks have decided that they should be the gatekeepers of spaces where black people thrive. Now we have #PoolPatrolPaula because socks. At this point, they’ve got to be stopped, and I know just how to do it: #CaucasiansCallingTax.

I know you’re thinking that this may be a step backward in race relations, but something MUST be done. They’re calling 911 to report complaints as if it was the telephone version of Yelp.

Imagine how the world would be if the #CaucasianCallingTax was implemented? Once offenders have paid all these fees, they wouldn’t have enough money to buy their coveted raisins, thus, the cop-calling probably would ease up. You know white people love raisins and putting them in danger of not being able to purchase them would solve so much of the world’s issues. Potato salad wouldn’t be safe, but at least black lives would be.

The #CaucasianCallingTax would allow dispatchers to start alerting white people that there is a nonrefundable fee that’ll be applied for wasting someone’s time. There is legitimate crime happening, and here white folks are calling cops on a black family who just wanted to enjoy their $5 footlong. A footlong is indeed a large sandwich, but never in the history of ever has someone been injured from one.

Upon making a call to 911, the unseasoned should be greeted with this recording:

“Thank you for calling 911. If this is not a real emergency, please hang up. If this deemed as a waste of time, then we will be implementing a tax that is due upon completion of our services. Remember that 911 is for emergencies and not your insecurities.”

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To me, being an adult means that the meaning of words varies from person to person. How I define danger and how a white person defines it is obviously two vastly different things. For a Caucasian, danger looks like two black men minding their business at Starbucks;a small child selling water or cutting grass or a firefighter in uniform doing his job. Existing #WhileBlack is nothing new, but the unseasoned have been empowered since they got a tangerine colored racist in office.

Police officers are not customer-service representatives. You were not told by AppleCare that cops were conflict-resolutions specialists. With the #CaucasianCallingTax, white people will think twice before calling the cops on black people for merely existing. Hopefully, they’ll use this newfound time to do more useful things like curing racism or learning how to properly season their food.

Moral of the story: Don’t call the cops on people who are doing nothing wrong and check your internalized racism.