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Can Someone Unzip Sen. Lindsey Graham’s Leather Face Mask So He Can Tell Trump That Governors Aren’t His Enemy?

Illustration for article titled Can Someone Unzip Sen. Lindsey Graham’s Leather Face Mask So He Can Tell Trump That Governors Aren’t His Enemy?
Photo: Evan Vucci (Getty Images)

During this global pandemic, Trump has displayed the steadfast leadership skills of children once the piñata breaks. He has literally told governors Prince’s lyrics from “Let’s Go Crazy, in which the Purple One says:

Cause in this life

Things are much harder than in the afterworld

In this life

You’re on your own

Recently, President Trump, the head of the federal government, told governors that if they had a plug on lifesaving equipment and supplies that are in high demand right now to grab them up because the federal government, which the president runs, is going to take too long getting those supplies to them.

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So the governors said, “Bet. At least we know where we stand during this pandemic and know that reaching out to this nutjob in the White House is a waste of fucking time.” They all started moving, hitting up the ventilator man to see how he’s looking.

There was only one problem: Every time they hit the plug, they were finding out that someone with more cash, more resources, and more pull was buying up all the supply. That person: the federal government.

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Someone might want to tell Trump that he’s not at war with the states that make up America. South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham might want to take a break from changing the president’s diaper to inform him that we (all of the states that make up the United States) are in this together. If his adviser Stephen Miller could stop looking at hair tutorials on YouTube for five seconds, maybe he could let the president know that the governors of these states aren’t his enemies.

During a video conference with the president on Thursday, Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker told Trump “his state three times lost out to the federal government on purchases of critical supplies, creating an awkward moment during the made-for-TV event at Federal Emergency Management Agency headquarters in Washington,” Bloomberg reports.

“I’ve got a feeling that if someone has the chance to sell to you and to sell to me, I am going to lose on every one of those,” Baker said, sounding all apologetic and shit as if he’d done something wrong.

The president, who clearly doesn’t understand that he’s not at war with the governors, told them that he still wants them to seek out their own medical equipment, like respirators and protective gear for doctors and nurses, but they need to wait until the federal government eats first.

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“Prices are always a component of that also. And maybe that’s why you lost to the feds, OK, that’s probably why,” Trump said.

Trump then gave the mic to his better robotic half, Vice President Mike Pence, for cleanup.

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“We want to facilitate all the states and the healthcare providers in your states to be able to access that supply chain as it becomes more robust,” Pence said, Bloomberg reports.

When New Mexico’s governor echoed that he too had been outbid by the federal government, whose pockets are much deeper than the governor’s, Trump then noted that he’d ask FEMA to let them get a piece of the pie to prevent conflicts in the future.

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Earlier on Thursday, before he even talked with the governors—as if no one told Trump that proclaiming himself a “wartime president” doesn’t mean he’s at war with individual states—Trump said that pandemic safety supplies should fall on the states and not the federal government. He then said, with his anus-shaped mouth, THAT HIS ADMINISTRATION IS NOT A “SHIPPING CLERK” FOR SUPPLIES THAT COULD BE LIFE-SAVING.

BITCH, WHAT?!

HUH?

Let me find the exact quote before I lose it because surely I’m reading this wrong.

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“Governors are supposed to be doing a lot of this work, and they are doing a lot of this work,” Trump said. “The federal government is not supposed to be out there buying vast amounts of items and then shipping. You know, we’re not a shipping clerk.”

Will someone pull the zipper on Lindsey Graham’s leather face mask so that he can explain to the president that during a pandemic, when the death toll is projected to be catastrophic, when people are on lockdown, stuck inside their homes with their families who they can’t stomach being around with no end in sight, that the federal government’s job is to be whatever it needs to be to provide help?

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I hate everything, and if we survive this, it won’t be because of the president’s great leadership or willingness to help. It will be in spite of him; but we all know that he will take credit for it.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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