Can a Sexless Robot Run for President? Some Think Mike Pence Is Making a Push for 2024

Illustration for article titled Can a Sexless Robot Run for President? Some Think Mike Pence Is Making a Push for 2024
Photo: Melina Mara (Getty Images)

Remember back a million years ago when America was under the rule of the most racist president and his sexless robot former Vice President Mike Pence? Well, it looks like someone’s done some tinkering with his mainframe because the once homeless, couch-surfing VP might be looking to make a run at the White House in 2024.

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And you know who doesn’t think he’d be a good fit? Yep, the white dragon with the lace-front wig, Donald Trump, who failed to name Pence when asked who he considered future leaders in the Republican Party and instead noted Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and Sens. Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, basically the three wheels on the tricycle of evil.

According to the Associated Press, Pagan Pence has been “steadily reentering public life as he eyes a potential run for the White House in 2024. He’s joining conservative organizations, writing op-eds, delivering speeches and launching an advocacy group that will focus on promoting the Trump administration’s accomplishments.”

So Playboii Pence is throwing his Kangol in the ring for a possible run at the White House. And you know Trump is still fuming with adult Small Wonder for upholding his Constitutional duties and not insurrectioning the transfer of power to the Biden administration.

Pence is going to have to do some serious orange ass kissing if he’s going to pull this off. In fact, he can only pull this off with Trump’s blessing, assuming of course that Trump’s not going to run because the Republican Party is Trump’s party. He owns them.

But some believe that if anyone can do it, it’s Pence-bot.

“Anybody who can pull off an endorsement of Ted Cruz and become Donald Trump’s vice presidential nominee should not be counted out,” Republican strategist Alice Stewart told AP. “He has a way of splitting hairs and threading the needle that has paid off in the past.”

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But Pence’s aides (which, how does he still have aides?) swear that he’s not even thinking about running for president, as he’s busy thinking about next year’s midterm elections.

“I think 2024’s a long time away and if Mike Pence runs for president he will appeal to the Republican base in a way that will make him a strong contender,” said Republican Rep. Jim Banks of Indiana. “If and when Mike Pence steps back up to the plate, I think he will have strong appeal among Republicans nationwide.”

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It’s all bullshit, but I’d rather Pence run in 2024 so that he can lose peacefully, instead of the leader of the toothless, who will strike up the band to storm the Capitol only to hide his hands when they’re done.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

an advocacy group that will focus on promoting the Trump administration’s accomplishments.

That starts and ends with “half a million dead Americans.”