Illustration for article titled Attorney General William Barr Isn’t Quitting. He Just Wants People to Think He’s Still a Man
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

Attorney General William Barr, aka Evil Fred Flintstone, aka The White Unsullied, walked out of his Senate confirmation in January 2019 and into the White House where he gave President Trump a gift. Turns out that gift was Barr’s balls as he’s not used them since becoming attorney general and now that it’s becoming obvious, white Rerun is tired of dancing and wants to prove once and for all that he’s still a man.

But it’s all bullshit. Barr overplayed his hand when he ran out here all protective of his boo and declared that the proposed sentence of 7 to 9 years was too long for Trump ally Roger Stone, which completely kneecapped his own Department of Justice attorneys who proposed the sentence. Surely it didn’t help matters that when the sentence proposal was announced, Trump went on a tweet storm blasting the DOJ for even thinking of giving his boy such a long and harsh sentence. When it was announced that the DOJ was going to issue a redo, Trump personally thanked Barr on Twitter for making the right move.

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The Department of Justice is supposed to be independent of the White House and the president had just tweeted @ChunkyBillBarr “Did I leave my lotion in your bathroom?” If there was any doubt before, the jig was up. Barr’s nuts are firmly in the president’s pocket and President Bernice Burgos has decided not to follow the mantra of “stay low and let’s build” and made this thing public.

So Barr went on ABC News to explain how he’s not in a relationship with the president and why he doesn’t understand how Trump would make up such stories about hanging his balls from his rearview mirror. Barr claimed that Trump’s tweeting was making his life messy and how he can’t do his job if Trump’s going to keep putting him on Front Street.

“To have public statements and tweets made about the department, about our people in the department, our men and women here, about cases pending in the department and about judges before whom we have cases make it impossible for me to do my job and to assure the courts and the prosecutors in the department that we’re doing our work with integrity,” he said.

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Trump told him to fuck off and stop trying to act like he wasn’t just at the White House watching You in his bloomers (which is old wypipo underwear). Then someone leaked to news outlets that Barr was considering quitting his post because it’s all so hard for him.

It’s all bullshit. All of it. Barr doesn’t want out; he wants America to believe that he’s still a man with a backbone and gumption and moxie when the truth is he lost his nuts a long time ago.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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