As President Trump's Physical Approaches, He's Not Done Anything the Doctor Told Him To

Image for article titled As President Trump's Physical Approaches, He's Not Done Anything the Doctor Told Him To
Photo: Chris Kleponis (Getty Images)

President Hamburglar’s annual physical is on the horizon, and he’s not done anything the doctor said because the president doesn’t listen to anyone. He literally doesn’t listen to advisers, members of Congress, the FBI, the CIA. He will, however, listen to Fox News, so maybe they should’ve suggested that the president lose a dozen pounds and maybe he’d have done so. Because clearly after the president hosted the 2019 NCAA football champions and treated them to a $5,500 fast food blowout in which the president ate the majority of the food and then lined his sleeping coffin in a blanket of Big Macs, the president hasn’t lost a damn thing except the respect of those who believed in him.


“The president received a diet and exercise plan last year after his annual physical, but the President admits he has not followed it religiously,” Hogan Gidley, the principal deputy White House press secretary, told CNN.

On Friday, the president will undergo his second physical exam by Sean Conley....wait, 007 is giving the president an exam? Does he even have a license? (Genetta Adams (Stephen’s editor): It’s Conley not Connery). Well, I don’t know anything about this new guy, but I know he’s got nothing on the president’s former doctor with the blackest name, physician Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson aka “Dr. Ronny Jackson,”—the mixologist of the crew who would love to mix bodies with you.

CNN notes that the president didn’t want to change his eating habits and never visits the White House fitness room unless someone has hid his Subway Footlong in there.

“He was like, ‘Shit, I have to eat healthy?’” one White House official said. “And then he had this delicious Dover sole prepared at the White House and he really liked it.”

Despite Dr. Ronny Jackson’s glowing review of the president, he was still diagnosed with high cholesterol, and his diet consists of greasy foods including pigs blood and uncooked chicken livers.

And half a dozen White House officials have told CNN that the president hasn’t ever gone into the fitness room, even during “executive time.


During the president’s first physical, Dr. Ronny Jackson, said the president was “more enthusiastic about the diet part than the exercise part...we’re going to do both.”

Well, he hasn’t done shit. So now we wait to see how bad this physical is going to be unless, of course, the president’s new physician Dr. Fonny Fackson comes back with a glowing review.


Sorely Vexed

Calling it: Trump is the healthiest human being who ever lived. He’s so healthy, he’s rewriting the medical books. Fast food and buckets of soda are the key to immortality. Salad is the silent killer.