As the fever for #DemThrones takes over America, it is important to remember that Game of Thrones is not just a show about swords, dragons and nauseatingly gratuitous rape scenes. The show is really an allegory about white supremacy, a metaphor for politics and, well...
A collection of nauseatingly gratuitous rape scenes.
So, in preparation for the Game of Thrones’ final season, we decided to spark a furious debate about how the TV contenders for the Iron Throne correspond to both current and potential candidates for president of the United States. You are welcome to disagree with these matchups but because I am writing this and you aren’t, all decisions are final.
I’m sure that will settle any argument.
Donald Trump: Cersei Lannister
People say “a Lannister always pays their debts” even though Cersei’s power and money come from an inheritance and she isn’t as wealthy as people think she is. Cersei refuses to release her tax returns and it has already been established that her administration is backed by foreign investors from the Iron Bank and Highgarden oligarchs.
Cersei Lannister keeps her position by vilifying outsiders, just like the head of House Trump. She also referred to the Dothraki as “rapists” and issued a travel ban against the Unsullied. Her army is also headed to the border after she declared a national emergency.
This one was obvious.
Beto O’Rourke: Jon Snow
Like Jon Snow’s brief stint as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Beto O’Rourke’s experience is limited to a short six-year period as a U.S. congressman. Because of this, they both think they know a lot about border walls. Beto is a darling even though he lost the Senate race against the hated Ted Cruz, which is a lot like losing the battle of Hardhome to the Night King...or losing a battle against dead people when your homies have a fire-sword, spare lives and a dragon.
But like Jon Snow, Beto is back from the dead because he has the right connections. Whether it is his donor base, support from his home state or the Lord of Light, this bastard has emerged as a frontrunner despite the fact that he lost his most significant race.
Kamala Harris: Arya Stark
Some people find it hard to trust Kamala Harris’ past as a prosecutor, so it is understandable that people think both Harris and Arya are two-faced. But after pledging the sorority of the many-faced god, Arya Stark is literally an AKA (in spite of the fact that a girl has no line name.) But like Arya, Kamala will not let shit go. Even though Kamala Harris doesn’t support the death penalty, she is in favor of reparations legislation.
Arya’s list of people she plans to kill is technically a bill for reparations.
Andrew Yang: Davos Seaworth
They are both simple merchants who no one really cares about.
Elizabeth Warren: Daenerys Targaryen
Elizabeth Stormborn of House Warren, First of Her Fake Indian Names, Breaker of Wall Street Chains, The Sunburnt, Queen of the Appropriators, Khaleesi of the Great White Unseasoned, Mother of Drab is just like Daenerys.
Daenerys swears she is a “breaker of chains” even though she travels with a black servant and is protected by an all-black testicle-less army. Elizabeth Warren’s real political power comes from being born a white woman, just like Daenerys’ privilege comes from being born with the ability to ride dragons. Warren cannot take the presidency without the support of a black army.
Also, I bet Daenerys tells people she is 1/2,934,944th Dothraki.
Joe Biden: Jamie Lannister
In the “pretty cool for a white guy” category, we have Uncle Joe versus Kingslayer.
I don’t know if it’s because he’s been smashing the cakes of his twin sister, or if it’s that gold-plated hand, but I’m sure it creeps women out when Jamie Lannister touches them or “inhales their air.” The only reason anyone likes Jamie is that he’s now down with the Barack Obama of GoT—Jon Snow.
Still, I can’t forget how Biden tossed Anita Hill under the bus or when Jamie threw Bran Stark out the window.
Marianne Williamson: Missandei
Williamson was Oprah’s spiritual adviser and Missandei gives her Khaleesi advice while braiding Daenerys’ single Caucasian cornrow.
Bernie Sanders: Tyrion Lannister
Bernie Sanders is actually a Democratic Socialist, but he’s running on the Democratic Party ticket because he knows he can’t win without the party’s help. Similarly, Tyrion is a Lannister but he’s fighting under the Targaryen banner. They pretend they want to help the country but they really want power. And they both believe they can fix every problem with logic and reason, yet they both also seem to have trouble finding clothes that fit...
Or talking to black people.
Julián Castro: Gendry
As Robert Baratheon’s son, Gendry has an actual claim to the Iron Throne. And Julian Castro is definitely qualified to become president. There’s only one thing holding them back:
Everyone keeps forgetting about them.
Cory Booker: Bran Stark
Cory Booker might be the most uncharismatic person in the race and Bran’s social anxiety keeps him warging and daydreaming all day. Both Booker and Bran have an imaginary friend who gives them sage advice (the three-eyed raven and T-Bone, the magical gangsta negro). Bran is also from the North, a cold, desolate place that looks a lot like Booker’s hometown, Newark, N.J.
There is also an internet rumor that Bran Stark is the Night King, which explains why Cory Booker is always playing in the snow.
Kirsten Gillibrand: Brienne of Tarth
I’m pretty sure they’re the same person.
Pete Buttigieg: Lord Varys
Pete Buttigieg always looks like he’s up to some Lord Varys-like shenanigans. Varys doesn’t even represent a house or have an army, yet he wants the Iron Throne. And how the fuck does Buttigieg think he can run a country just because he was the mayor of South Bend, Ind? There are people who work at Super Walmarts who manage bigger operations than South Bend!
I know a lot of people said this when Trump ran for office, but if Pete Buttigieg becomes president, I’m moving to Canada. I don’t care if it sounds prejudiced, but Pete is just not a presidential name. Watch my word, Iran and them North Korean niggas gon’ get real disrespectful if we have a president named Pete. The only Pete we will ever acknowledge is the one who served with Vice President C.L. Smooth.
I still reminisce over them...My God.
Stacy Abrams: Sansa Stark
The only person who has been more disrespected and messed over by white men than Stacey Abrams is Sansa Stark. If King Joffrey had to run for office, he’d essentially use the same voter suppression tactics as Brian Kemp. And when Joe Biden’s camp leaked a story that he was considering Stacey Abrams as his vice president, she shut that shit down the same way Sansa played Littlefinger.
Stacey Abrams is probably the most popular politician in the South even though Brian Kemp is technically the governor of Georgia. Sansa is actually the Lady of Winterfell and head of the Stark family even though Jon Snow is the King in the North.
Amy Klobuchar: Melisandre
Sure, Melisandre prayed so hard over Jon Snow’s dead body that the Lord of Light heard her cries, but the only thing worse than The Red Witch blowing ghost baby smoke rings out of her vagina and convincing Stannis Baratheon to rotisserie his ashy-faced daughter is how badly Amy Klobuchar reportedly treats her staffers (the salad-comb story is my favorite political anecdote of all time).
Also, they kinda look alike.
John Hickenlooper: Samwell Tarley
Samwell Tarley graduated from one of the most exclusive predominately white maester schools and John Hickenlooper has executive experience as the governor of Colorado. However, both guys seem like they’re too nice to rule over the Seven Kingdoms because they are moderates. Democrats want someone pushing a progressive agenda like Maester-care for all. What happens when anti-vaxxers start a grayscale epidemic? I bet John Hickenlooper won’t say “Unsullied Lives Matter” or support comprehensive sword reform.
Howard Shultz: Euron Greyjoy
Both of these guys are trash.
Mike Pence: The Night King
If Mike Pence or The Night King become the rulers of the free world, it means something has gone horribly wrong. Mike Pence is cold, unfeeling and often acts like a zombie. Plus, as a devout Christian, Pence really believes the dead can be resurrected.
After all, isn’t turning people to zombies a form of conversion therapy?