A Completely Insane but Very Possible Conspiracy Theory That Ben Carson Authored the NYT Op-Ed

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The last time we heard anything about the Department of Housing and Urban Development’s Secretary Ben Carson, he was trying to get some blinged-out furniture for his office. It wasn’t on some Paul Manafort ostrich skin-level shit, but Ben was definitely trying to hype his office on some Diddy-esque executive swag.


Why is that important? Because it proves one thing that can no longer be debated: Ben Carson is still a black man. Sure he speaks like one of the Unsullied whose balls were snatched off and thrown out of a window and onto a Los Angeles highway. And, yes, he’s a part of one of the most draconian, racist and xenophobic administrations to ever do it, but ... he’s still a black man.

And what if, what if Ben Carson is the real Black KkKlansman? What if Ben Carson is the Kook Who Sat By The Door? What if Ben Carson is really working for the resistance and authored the New York Times op-ed, which is looking to destroy the Trump administration from the inside?

Below is a comprehensive and exhaustive list (fine, it’s four points) on why many people believe Ben Carson wrote that shit. (Ok, it’s just me. But Donald Trump says, “Many people believe ...” all the time.)

Ben Carson Is the Black Chuck Norris

Want to know who can speak braille? Ben Carson. Want to know who counted to infinity ... twice? Ben Carson. If you can see Ben Carson, then he can see you. If you can’t see Ben Carson, you could be two seconds away from death.


The man was a fucking neurosurgeon who used to tease police officers when he was young and once thwarted a robbery by merely pointing the robber towards the cash register. He also saved white people during the MLK riots in 1968 and almost stabbed a motherfucker to death but the dude’s belt buckle stopped Carson from killing him. If anyone is unafraid to snitch on Donald “Grab’em, by the Pussy” Trump, it’s Ben “Stab ’em in the Dick” Carson.

There is literally nothing this man can’t do.

Popeye’s Organization

This became one of the biggest jokes of Carson push for president. During his retelling of the holdup story, Carson claimed that he was in a Baltimore Popeye’s “organization.” Everyone claimed then that the use of the term “organization” only proved how out of touch Carson was with black life.


I’d argue now that the only people who use the term “organization” are spies and thus is the thesis for my next argument: Carson is really a Black Panther posing as the lone black face in Trump’s administration to steal all the secrets to give them to black people ... that and reparations.

Much has been made about the word “lodestar” which was used in the manifesto. Many believe that because it’s Vice President Mike Pence’s favorite word that it had to be him. But wouldn’t it be just like a neurosurgeon to use a weird word that’s not needed to throw people off the scent?


No one will ever admit being outsmarted by the black guy.

Look, I’m not saying you have to be a genius like Einstien, Steve Urkel or the first man to roll a chicken wing in flour and drop it in hot grease to outsmart Donald Trump, but considering all the white nationalists in the White House, none of them would ever admit they were duped by the undercover brother. Shit, Trump still won’t admit that Obama had more people at his inauguration!


Carson is the perfect double agent because he always looks like he’s just waking up from a nap and he already has a Black Lives Matter haircut. I bet he tells his barber: “Don’t make my edge-up to precise. I don’t want to scare the white people.”

Ben Carson Never Wanted This Job

During his run for the White House, Carson claimed several times that he had no intention of being a part of the president’s cabinet.


“Dr. Carson feels he has no government experience, he’s never run a federal agency,” Carson adviser Armstrong Williams told the Hill. “The last thing he would want to do was take a position that could cripple the presidency.”

Holy fuck! Do you see what I see?

Carson didn’t want a job with the presidency because he believed that he could cripple the presidency ... and then he took a job.


The anonymous author of the op-ed wants to ... cripple the presidency.


Look—days, weeks, years from now when I’m proven right about Carson being the author of the Times op-ed I want to assure you that I won’t brag. I won’t talk about how years of watching 24 (the original 24, not that bootleg version with the guy that played Dr. Dre in the N.W.A. movie) groomed me for this moment. I also will not mention that I was the first one to call it. I will just bask in the afterglow of my awesome knowing that I’m smarter than the rest of you.

Except for Ben Carson, of course.

He’s a motherfucking genius.



I don’t think that 2018 Ben Carson was capable of writing that without falling asleep halfway through and forgetting what he was doing.