In an interview which aired Sunday night, the untanned soles of Donald Trump’s crusty pale feet were finally held to the flames. In what can arguably be called the realest interview since the president took office, Trump sat down with Lesley Stahl of CBS’s 60 Minutes to discuss everything from his love affair with Russian mob boss Vladimir Putin, to his love affair with North Korean hitman Kim Jong Un, to the disappearance of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi to climate change.
Below are five takeaways from a bizarre interview with the President of people who urinate in empty containers while driving and then throw it out the window.
Lesley Stahl Is a Straight Gangsta
It’s one thing to talk about all the things you’d do if the president was in front of you and another to actually do them. Every journalist swears that they would hold his ass accountable, yet, every time Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the Devil’s mouthpiece (also known as Big Suckabee) holds a press conference, many journalists get straight up punked into asking timid questions as if this is a real administration and not a sham government. This, of course, doesn’t include God’s favorite journalist, April Ryan.
So it was not only impressive but refreshing to see Stahl not only hold Trump accountable for the mess he’s created but not allow his ass to double-talk and dance around questions without getting to some semblance of the truth.
This is also the reason that Trump doesn’t sit with the mainstream media— he cannot handle being questioned about his decisions in office. Stahl knew that she was going to have to hold it down for the people who the president refuses to talk to. And she did just that.
Watch this exchange below:
Trump Is Still Cheating on America with Russia
We know that Trump cheats. He’s cheated on Melania with a porn actress (still no definitive proof that Stormy Daniels is a porn “star” but I’m still researching) and Playboy models, but the most intimate relationship that Trump seems to be involved in since taking office is the one he has with Mother Russia.
Trump not only continues to go to great lengths to defend Russia, but he will also concede only enough to appear that they aren’t still dating when they totally are. For the lowbrow crowd (and this absolutely includes me), the Love and Hip Hop equivalency is that Trump is Teairra Mari and Russia is Akbar.
Here’s the exact moment when I realized that Trump was never going to leave
Akbar Vladimir, even after he allegedly leaked the sex tapes.
President Donald Trump: I think I’m very tough with him personally. I had a meeting with him. The two of us. It was a very tough meeting and it was a very good meeting.
Lesley Stahl: Do you agree that Vladimir Putin is involved in assassinations? In poisonings?
President Donald Trump: Probably he is, yeah. Probably. I mean, I don’t—
Lesley Stahl: Probably?
President Donald Trump: But I rely on them, it’s not in our country.
Lesley Stahl: Why not—they shouldn’t do it. This is a terrible thing.
President Donald Trump: Of course they shouldn’t do it—
Lesley Stahl: Instead do you believe — do you believe that the Russians interfered in the 2016 campaign election? Our election-
President Donald Trump: They — they meddled. But I think China meddled too.
Lesley Stahl: But why do you—
President Donald Trump: And I think other countries—
Lesley Stahl: —say China meddled too?
President Donald Trump: And you wanna know something?
Lesley Stahl: Why do you say Chi— why don’t you just say—
President Donald Trump: Well, let me ask you—
Lesley Stahl: —the Russians meddled?
President Donald Trump: Because I think China meddled also. And I think, frankly, China—
Lesley Stahl: This is amazing.
President Donald Trump: —is a bigger problem.
Lesley Stahl: You are diverting the whole Russia thing.
President Donald Trump: I’m not doing anything.
Lesley Stahl: You are, you are
President Donald Trump: I’m saying Russia, but I’m also saying China.
Yet it’s the investigation of Russia’s intervention in the 2016 election that hangs over Trump’s presidency and which caused a rift with his Attorney General because Jeff Sessions recused himself from the inquiry around it.
Trump Is Cheating on Russia With North Korea
I don’t want to suggest that the president of people who wear shorts in the snow is aligned with a group of dictators, but he totally likes the way dictators do shit. He gets dreamy-eyed whenever anyone mentions him and Putin in the same breath, and he’s starting to get this way when it comes to Kim Jong Un.
During a rally (yes this bag of pulp extract is still rallying), Trump “joked” that after his meeting with Jong Un, the two fell in love.
“And then we fell in love, okay,” he said, totally not joking. “No really. He wrote me beautiful letters. And they’re great letters. We fell in love.”
Stahl then proceeded to call Trump out on his love affair.
Lesley Stahl: I wanna read you his resume, okay? He presides over a cruel kingdom of repression, gulags, starvation— reports that he had his half-brother assassinated, slave labor, public executions. This is a guy you love?
President Donald Trump: Sure. I know all these things. I mean— I’m not a baby. I know these things.
Lesley Stahl: I know, but why do you love that guy?
President Donald Trump: Look, look. I— I— I like— I get along with him, okay?
Lesley Stahl: But you love him.
President Donald Trump: Okay. That’s just a figure of speech.
Lesley Stahl: No, it’s like an embrace.
President Donald Trump: It well, let it be an embrace. Let it be whatever it is to get the job done.
Lesley Stahl: He’s a bad guy.
President Donald Trump: Look. Let it be whatever it is. I get along with him really well. I have a good energy with him. I have a good chemistry with him. Look at the horrible threats that were made. No more threats. No more threats.
Trump’s Still a Petty Bitch
Trump not only refused to answer whether or not he would resume the “zero tolerance” immigration policy that led to the separation of families at the border (many of whom have still not be reunited), but when pressed on the subject, Trump replied:
“Lesley, it’s OK. In the meantime, I’m President, and you’re not.”
What a petty bitch.
Trump Believes That He’s on a Team
For some reason, unbeknownst to God and Beyoncé (the living god), Trump has not only created imaginary enemies but believes that he’s on a team and that his objective is to make sure his team wins at all cost.
Basically, Trump is Cobra Kai sensei John Kreese. And his mocking of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s sexual assault accuser Christine Blasey Ford during his Mississippi rally was his version of “sweep the knee.”
“I will tell you this. The way now Justice (Brett) Kavanaugh was treated has become a big factor in the midterms. Have you seen what’s gone on with the polls?” Trump said.
Asked if he believes he treated Ford with respect, the President said, “I think so, yeah. I did.”
“You know what?” Trump added when told it appeared he had accused Ford of lying in a speech. “I’m not going to get into it, because we won. It doesn’t matter. We won.”