Why Won’t Y’all’s Punk-Ass President Stop Campaigning? Have We Not Suffered Enough?

Andrea Morales/Getty Images
Andrea Morales/Getty Images

On Wednesday morning, y’all’s punk-ass president began his day the way he so often does: by ruining everyone’s morning with deranged tweets reeking of stupidity, paranoia and various strains of bullshit.


First he took shots at Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporter David Cay Johnston—whom he claims no one has ever heard of, even though Tropicana Jong-il himself met the man way back in 1988—over Johnston being the source of two whopping pages of his 2005 tax return that made their way over to MSNBC’s The Rachel Maddow Show. Shortly thereafter, 45 redirected his fury at Snoop Dogg over a music video that features a character named “Ronald Klump” being fired at by Snoop Dogg. Considering that this is the same person who said on the campaign trail that “Second Amendment people could stop [Hillary] Clinton,” 45 ought to shut his peach self the fuck up.

I know, I know: Keep dreaming—dirty-colored liberal Attorney General Jeff Sessions will soon unleash the hounds on me.

In any event, while a tweeting president has become the norm—yes, even if said president is a sophomoric village idiot and messy bitch who lives for drama—there’s one habit of 45’s that still reads as anomalous no matter how much more absurd this political era seems by the day.

Considering that 45 is a narcissist who, before assuming office, was mostly known for his scamming and entertaining, of course he would find campaign rallies pleasurable.

Granted, there has been talk of who might face 45 in the 2020 election. I’ve seen names like Sens. Cory Booker (hardy-har), Elizabeth Warren (she’d be better as Ted Kennedy II than as POTUS) and Bernie Sanders (sis, stop this). Early speculation (that’s too damn early) is not new, but campaign rallies in March in the first year of a new administration certainly are. So, why is he already holding campaign rallies fewer than 100 days into his first term?


Outside of him using this to partake in legal forms of public masturbation, 45 more or less wants to continue to ball up on norms and use them as toilet paper. When he filed for re-election the same day he was sworn into office, he did so in order to very cleverly continue to rally his base, do nonstop fundraising for his re-election campaign and make lots of money by selling more “Make America great again” merchandise.

Worse, as his approval rates mirror the response to Remy Ma’s “Another One,” 45 can use campaign rallies to present an image that despite whatever we’re reading and seeing about him, he remains the people’s champ.


On his unprecedented move to have rallies this early in his term, CNN spoke to campaign finance experts Lawrence Noble and Trevor Potter:

“It gives them control over who can attend the event. By calling it a campaign event they can basically limit it to their supporters and keep protesters out,” Noble said.

While campaign rallies are private events, one organized by the White House would be public and officials would not be allowed to deny attendees entry on a political basis, Potter added.


The best thing about the end of a presidential election, no matter who wins, is that it ends. Thanks to 24-hour cable news and Al Gore’s internet creating an insatiable need for content, presidential campaigns last longer than ever. Still, once a new president is sworn in, we are typically given at least a two-year break from nonstop talks about who is and who isn’t running, how they poll, what they need to do to win and other hallmarks of peanut-gallery punditry.

Unfortunately, thanks to this orange sum’bitch, we are never going to get a break. Here, to much smaller crowds, 45 continues taking shots at Hillary Clinton as the slimmer basket of deplorables chant, “LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!” Could someone inform all parties involved that it’s over and they won?


This latest rally and the promise for more are great for the budding dictator’s ego and a few companies’ bottom line, but it is not good for our collective psyches. Tropicana Jong-il’s administration alone is one headache after another. We do not deserve to be punished even more by having to live through this administration and an ongoing re-election campaign.

Of course, there is one opportunity here for media organizations. For someone sick of reading glowing profiles of 45’s supporters, there is a chance to revisit how racist, sexist, xenophobic and all-around awful many of the people who attend these rallies are. The Nation just published a new survey highlighting the fact that a fear of diversity made more people likely to vote for him.


While that reads as one big duh to anyone belonging to one or several marginalized communities in this country, many of your white brethren (and even some of their too-geeked-to-be-down minority friends) have played dumb. I wouldn’t mind reporters trailing these rallies, if only to describe how those folks were willing to vote against their own interests in order to feel good about being white.

That’s unlikely, though, which means we’re just going to see that sloppy, lazy thot of a prez lie like hell. It’s not right, it’s not OK, and even if I’m gonna make it anyway, having to endure this makes me wonder where Whitney Houston left her pipe.


To that end, SOS—please, someone help me. It’s not healthy for me to feel this way.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.


Secondhand Prose

Fascists: they do love a “campaign rally”.