Who Is Responsible for Donald Trump’s Hurricane Coloring Book? An Investigation

Illustration for article titled Who Is Responsible for Donald Trump’s Hurricane Coloring Book? An Investigation
Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

One of the consequences of electing a deceitful, dimwitted white supremacist to serve at the helm of a deceitful, dimwitted, white supremacist country, is that it sometimes becomes difficult to ascertain why certain things happen. Is Donald Trump spending billions of dollars on a wall because he’s so racist that he thinks those who wish to enter the country can’t figure out how to climb over a wall? Is he doing it because he was lying when he said Mexico would pay for it? Or is he just so stupid that he thinks it will work?


I’m going with all of the above, but as you can see, it’s a difficult question to ponder, which brings us to Sharpiegate.

On Sunday, Donald Trump decided to play Twitter weatherman and update the country on the racist Hurricane Dorian as it plundered its way across the Atlantic Ocean toward Florida. (Yes, weather patterns can be bigoted if they disproportionately attack black countries. Have you ever heard of a tropical storm chilling out over Norway for two days?) But unlike the heralded meteorologist Young Jeezy, Donald Trump seemed stumped by the basic geography of the country that white people put him in charge of, tweeting that the hurricane would cause damage in Alabama.

Trump’s tweet likely caused some consternation, as two-thirds of Alabama’s population also believes the Civil War was about states’ rights, that Hillary Clinton made the Crimson Tide lose the national championship, and that liberals removed the part about abortion from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. So, to clear up any concerns, the National Weather Service in Birmingham assured everyone that their president was, indeed, an idiot.

But because Trump believes he should never apologize or admit he is wrong, when reporters pointed out his mistake, Trump doubled down on the idea that Dorian was headed to Alabama.


Then, on Wednesday, Bloomberg reported that Trump gave an update on the hurricane from the Oval Office, complete with a weather map that appeared to be altered, writing:

After facing ridicule for suggesting over the weekend that Hurricane Dorian might strike Alabama, Donald Trump showed reporters a map on Wednesday that he personally altered to help prove his point.

During a briefing on the storm’s threat to the U.S. East Coast, the president held up an Aug. 29 map from the National Weather Service showing initial projections of Dorian’s track into Florida. But the map had been changed — by the president — with a black line that extended the storm’s path beyond Florida and into southern Alabama, according to people familiar with the matter.


Later that day, reporters asked the president if he altered the map, which is a federal crime, and Trump denied it twice. Trump claimed that he didn’t change the map, leading outlets like the Washington Post and Rolling Stone to claim that the “White House” added the bubble to the map. The President insisted he didn’t know how it got that way, which is also what I told my mother when she was overcome by cheese smoke after I tried to heat a slice of pizza in the toaster.

But instead of accepting the old “It was like this when I found it,” The Root’s CSI (Caucasian Stupidity Investigation) team decided to look at the facts. After a thorough investigation, we could only conclude that Trump altered the map himself. Here are our reasons:

Who Carries Sharpies?

According to CNN, one of Trump’s aides added the line before the press conference. This is a distinct possibility given the reports that White House aides are known to bend over backwards to appease the toddler-like dufus of a president. Most adults, especially executive branch level officials, don’t carry magic markers around because there is usually very little time for crafting and coloring during the day.


Here is where things get interesting:

Buried in a 2018 Politico story is the revelation that Trump has exclusively used Sharpies for years to sign everything. Trump is notorious for having a personalized Sharpie with the presidential seal on it, which he doesn’t allow anyone to touch because of his germophobia. Business Insider explained Trump’s version of how it started:

“I was signing documents with a very expensive pen and it didn’t write well,” Trump said. “It was a horrible pen, and it was extremely expensive,” he added, referring to the so-called government-ordered pen.

“And then I started using just a Sharpie, and I said to myself, well wait a minute, this writes much better and this cost almost nothing.” At this point in the monologue, Trump pulled out a standard grey Sharpie pen from his drawer.

“So, I called up the folks at Sharpie and I said, ‘do me a favor, can you make the pen in black? Can you make it look rich?’” he said.


Trump not only uses the magic marker to extend the paths of hurricanes, but he writes everything in Sharpie, including his personalized notes.


Trump Would Have To Admit He Was Wrong

If Trump ordered one of his minions to add a reservoir tip to Dorian’s path, it would mean that Trump had to at least privately acknowledge that he made a mistake. There is no record of him ever doing something like that. He still contends that his inauguration crowd was the largest ever and that he never called Tim Cook “Tim Apple,” even though there is photographic and video evidence disproving his version of both events.


The Map

On Thursday, Trump tweeted out the early projections of the hurricane path which showed some models predicting the storm would hit Alabama. The image was from the National Weather Service’s Aug. 28 projection, three days before Trump’s stupid Alabama tweet.


If someone else doctored the image, why didn’t they just bring that map to the White House instead? The only logical answer is that no one doctored the map. No one could have guessed he was that dumb.


After a thorough investigation, we determined that Trump altered the map himself with the help of his trusted Sharpie, which begs the question: Why, though?

Perhaps he was trying to protect the reputation of his fellow racist, Dorian. Maybe he just doesn’t want to admit how stupid he was for his initial tweet. Or maybe Trump just can’t stop lying.


I’d put my money on “all of the above.”

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


KC Complains A Lot

Is there anyone else struggling to believe that a sitting President might’ve doctored a photo because he doesn’t want to be wrong about a hurricane? Like...the fact that I even had to type that sentence just made me infinitely sad and depressed.

What in the literal, actual fuck, America?