‘White Lies Matter’ Group Steals Confederate Monument, Threatens to Turn It Into Toilet if Ransom Demands Aren’t Met

Illustration for article titled ‘White Lies Matter’ Group Steals Confederate Monument, Threatens to Turn It Into Toilet if Ransom Demands Aren’t Met
Photo: TuckerBlade (Shutterstock)

White Lies Matter is a group that claimed responsibility for the disappearance of a Confederate monument in Selma, Ala., that was dedicated to Confederate President Jefferson Davis. The group published a ransom letter in which it demanded that the headquarters of the United Daughters of the Confederacy in Richmond, Va., hang a banner that features an Assata Shakur quote.

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Before I get too deep into this, I’m just going to warn my readers that some of what I report here is going to be shit I made up. (I’ll put those parts in italics so there’s no confusion).

They aren’t racist in Selma, they just keep a lot of racist artwork around to remind themselves that America is a white supremacist nation and some of those white supremacists worked a chisel and stone pretty well.

According to the Washington Post, Friday marks the 156th anniversary of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s surrender at the end of the Civil War, and it is on that day that my new favorite version of the Avengers demanded that the banner be hung with the words: “The rulers of this country have always considered their property more important than our lives.” And if the female Hydra...I mean, the UDC doesn’t meet that demand, the relic that the group claimed to have absconded with will be turned into a toilet, because while we all like to say that we shit on the Confederacy, WLM said it is willing to take things way more literally than you or I.

Side note: It should be emphasized that the group absconded with the sculpture. They did not “steal,” “swipe” or “jack” a 19th-century relic—it doesn’t work like that. You might argue that they “pilfered” it, but after they did that, they definitely absconded with it.

Another side note: White Lies Matter is a Black group. They are definitely negroes. Only Black People and the feds know about Assata Shakur.

From the Post:

The Jefferson Davis Memorial Chair, which was first reported missing from Live Oak Cemetery in Selma last month, is an ornately carved stone chair that was dedicated in 1893 to the Confederate president’s memory and is estimated to be worth $500,000.

Calling itself “White Lies Matter,” the group sent a message to the Montgomery Advertiser and AL.com that included a proof-of-life type photo of the chair, a ransom note styled to look like it came from the 1800s and a photoshopped image of what its banner might look like hoisted above the UDC headquarters more than 700 miles away.

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“Failure to do so will result in the monument, an ornate stone chair, immediately being turned into a toilet,” the group wrote in the email along with the photoshopped image of the chair with a big shitting-hole in the middle of the seat.

The city of Selma initially contacted Taken actor Liam Neeson to respond to the group’s demands. Neeson wrote: “Per your last email, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want besides an end to white supremacy. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money or the art supplies to make a quality banner, but what I do have are a very particular set of wypipo skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of roaming the streets looking for Black men to beat up. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let the ode to slavery go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you; but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

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It didn’t work because niggas are just not intimidated by Liam Neeson—seriously, if you don’t just pass the tea and crumpets and GTFOH—so now officials are just not sure what to do.

“Nobody knows what to make of this, it’s just really strange,” Dallas County District Attorney Michael Jackson told the Post. “But you get used to ‘The Twilight Zone’ in Selma. Rod Serling would have a good time if he were down here himself.”

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Here’s a little more of what was written in the group’s ransom note:

“America’s original sin is that people were kidnapped from their homes and forced to build one of the most prosperous nations in the world, without being allowed to participate in it. … We decided, in the spirit of such ignominious traditions, to kidnap a chair instead. Jefferson Davis doesn’t need it anymore. He’s long dead. To be honest, he never even had the chance to sit in it in the first place.”

Davis died in 1889, four years before the chair was dedicated. He was a Mississippi native and had not visited Selma for decades before his death.

“Like most Confederate monuments,” the White Lies Matter email continued, the chair “mostly exists to remind those who’s freedom had to be purchased in blood, that there still exists a portion of our country that is more than willing to continue to spill blood to avoid paying that debt down.”

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Selma—a city made famous by Alabama’s “Bloody Sunday”—is still so racist that the sculpture was stolen from an area of the cemetery known as Confederate Circle, which also houses a sculpture of Confederate general and Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan Bedford Forrest, which was vandalized and replaced multiple times, according to the Post. So, who knows if officials will give in to the Negro Justice League’s demands.

All I know is I’m currently looking for an online White Lies Matter application. These people are definitely my tribe.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

DISCUSSION

detroitkidelo
kidelo END QUALIFIED IMMUNITY

The jokes just write themselves:

This should win an award:

It’s real and it’s spectacular.