White House Squatter Mulls Fake National Emergency to Secure Border Wall Funds

Illustration for article titled White House Squatter Mulls Fake National Emergency to Secure Border Wall Funds
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The current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., is preparing to falsify a national emergency along the southern border in order to bypass Congress’ refusal to fund his steel-slatted fever dream.


After being put in his place again (and again) by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over his plans to carry on with his State of the Union address in the midst of a month-long partial government shutdown, CNN reports Donald Trump has identified more than $7 billion in potential funding for his Dadaist blunder.

Trump hasn’t ruled out using his “presidential” authority to declare a national emergency. In the event an emergency is declared, Trump could direct the Department of Defense to construct a wall, leaving Congress to the business of negotiating a plan to reopen the government.

Citing Title 10 of the U.S. Code, Trump would be allowed access to monies not currently tied to spending contracts. Beyond DHS and the Pentagon, Trump would have the authority to pull from civil works and infrastructure projects, should any of their budgets be unspoken for.

The plan would deploy the United States Corps of Engineers to construct the eyesore, much of it on private land. While the plan acknowledges the likelihood of lawsuits to block its seizure of private lands, the plan contains language suggesting the use of waivers to override standing contracting law.

Trump’s administration could pool resources from surpluses in other budgets, including $681 million from Treasury forfeitures, $3 billion from Pentagon civil works funds, and $200 million from (wait for it) the Department of Homeland Security.

While it remains unclear what has kept Trump from moving forward with his plan to entrench himself as the worst president ever, readers should remember the eight-hour time difference between Moscow and Washington D.C., delaying Trump’s permission from Daddy Vladdy.


“The massive amount of aliens who unlawfully enter the United States each day is a direct threat to the safety and security of our nation and constitutes a national emergency,” said a draft that Trump most assuredly played no part in writing.

Trump alluded to his plan Thursday, telling reporters he had “other alternatives.”


“I’ll use those alternatives if I have to,” he said. “A lot of people who want this to happen. The military wants this to happen. This is a virtual invasion of our country.”

Contributing Editor. When he's not pullin' up, he's usually jumpin' out. You can find him in the cut.


The military wants this to happen.

Bitch, no they don’t; quit lyin’.