Where Is Kansas City? Bernie Sanders Is a Communist! All the Ways Trump Tried to Put Raisins Into the Super Bowl

Illustration for article titled Where Is Kansas City? Bernie Sanders Is a Communist! All the Ways Trump Tried to Put Raisins Into the Super Bowl
Photo: Sarah Silbiger (Getty Images)

Around 10:15 p.m. EST on Sunday, with Super Bowl LIV all but over, Nordic Bastardwitch, the 13-year-old Trump staffer who polices Trump’s tweets, was settling into his bed, having already agreed with the president—who was openly sobbing—that the last tweet was going to be sent to San Francisco 49er Nick Bosa and it was just a video of Whitney Houston singing “I Will Always Love You.”


By 10:20 p.m., Bastardwitch was awoken by the gagged screams of Sen. Lindsey Graham, who was in the hallway wearing a leather bondage outfit and holding his phone, motioning to the young nordic boy to read. And there it was: Trump had congratulated the state of Kansas on its win in the Super Bowl, when Kansas doesn’t have an NFL team.

Bastardwitch did what he could but the damage was done. Twitter had learned again what he’d been trying to prevent; the president of the United States is about as smart as a discarded box of bubble wrap.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers, 31-20. And Trump tweeted this:

The Kansas City Chiefs represent the great state of Missouri.

It was as if Trump were on a personal crusade to fuck up the Super Bowl. Before the Super Bowl even began, he gave an eight-minute interview with his surrogate son, Fox News’ Sean Hannity, in which Trump lied, embellished, bragged, lied, and attacked anyone who had ever said a bad word about his presidency.


Trump claimed that the Democrats’ push to impeach him was about their hatred for his presidency. “I see the hatred—they don’t care about fairness, they don’t care about lying,” Trump said without flinching, Vox reports.


Trump continued: “The whole thing was nonsense,” that it was “very, very unfair,” and that “my family suffered because of all this, and many other families suffered also.”

Because of Trump’s incestuous relationship with Hannity, the two played a lightning round in which the Fox News host threw out names of Democratic presidential nominees and Trump got to say the first thing that came to mind.


Joe Biden: “Look at Sleepy Joe, what’s going on with him? He’s having a hard time,” Trump said.

Elizabeth Warren: “I call her ‘Fairy Tale’ because everything’s a fairy tale...this woman can’t tell the truth.”


Bernie Sanders: A “communist” who got married in Russia, Trump said.

Then, as if Hannity was ready to snatch the lying pebble from his lying master’s hand, he corrected the president: “the Fox News personality reminded him that Sanders actually took a trip to the then-Soviet Union shortly after his marriage, and that he wasn’t married there,” Vox reports.


Because Trump believes that he can easily beat Sanders, he also took a moment to strike up his “the DNC isn’t treating Bernie fair!” whistle—which is right next to his racist whistle—“claiming the Democratic Party is ‘rigging it against him,’ echoing discord following the 2016 Democratic primary,” Vox reports.


The rest of the interview was more of the same, “I’m the greatest president, a part of the greatest administration that will win 2020 and really empower white nationalism, and also, Mike Bloomberg is really short!”

Because the president is an IG thot who hosts parties with sparkly bottles, the president’s personal wine cave, also known as Florida’s own Mar-a-Lago, held a pre-Super Bowl party-slash-2020 reelection campaign thing, which included an “image of the president as a football player wearing a number 45 jersey and a squad of cheerleaders with pom-poms rallying the crowd at the Florida resort,” the New York Post reports.


From the Post:

Saturday evening’s gala in West Palm Beach was hosted by the Trumpettes, a group of women who supported the president’s run in 2016, and was labeled the “Red, White & Blue Celebrating Trump Kick-Off 2020 Victory,” the Daily Mail reported.

Those attending the party also included first lady Melania Trump, Donald Trump Jr., his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, actor Stephen Baldwin, country star Lee Greenwood — whose tune “Proud to be an American” plays at Trump rallies — as well as Fox News’ Sean Hannity, according to the Mail and the Palm Beach Post.


And get this, this mayonnaise-d mansion merriment cost taxpayers a cool $3.4 million for the president to host a for-profit party at his for-profit golf course. Tickets for this bullshit-ass party cost some $75 a piece and were only available to members (read: fat, rich, white men) as a membership can cost some $450,000.

When Trump’s presidency is over, his hard bottoms should be bronzed and hung in the most popular strip club in America so those dancers never lose sight of how far this grift can take you.


Sleep well, Nordic Bastardwitch; you did your best. Just know that the White House is just as fucked up as it was before you got there.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


BB&J: The poster currently known as BB&J

The Kansas City Chiefs represent the great state of Missouri.

[Citation needed]

- Salty Californian

We are definitely in the darkest timeline now. Remember when we had a president? With a tan suits as one of his biggest scandals? And could read? And knew how to negotiate? And could speak in public without sounding like a moron?