When a Black Construction Bag Filled With Dog Poop Interviews a Presidential Colostomy Bag

Presidential colostomy bag (left) and black construction bag.
Presidential colostomy bag (left) and black construction bag.
Screenshot: Outkick.com

Jason Whitlock is a black construction bag filled with vomit and precious white things placed inside the bed of a white man’s pickup truck next to a pair of king’s boots that he occasionally rubs for sustenance. If Jason Whitlock was stranded in the desert and God was willing to grant him one item of food he could eat to save himself, Whitlock would turn to the Lord and say, “I ask only for the white man’s gaze as that is enough to hold me for a lifetime.” Whenever I hear of Black slaves who fought to keep other Blacks enslaved, I think of them as Jason Whitlock.

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Whitlock is a spineless sack of human excrement who has made a living pushing his “hot takes” with some perfunctory belief that he is a freethinking Black man—except all of his freethinkingness looks a lot like the usual dribble from racist white men. Whitlock is against the Black Lives Matter movement and Colin Kaepernick’s protest and everything LeBron James. He was super critical of Kobe Bryant and then had the nerve to blubber-cry after Kobe’s death.

In short, he’s the spook who sat at the white man’s table hoping for some table crumbs to fall so that he could gobble them up while waiting for his pat on the head.

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So yeah, this collective pile of dog shit interviewed a presidential pile of dog shit and the result is a really uncomfortable tug job between two men who haven’t seen their penises in ages. Somehow Whitlock, who left Fox Sports in June and now works for some outlier site called Outkick, got an invite to the White House Wednesday to interview the president, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with Whitlock’s insistence that “the white man’s ice water really is colder!”

What transpired could have been uploaded to Pornhub as it was really just two men man-loving the fuck out of each other. The interview was a series of hard-hitting yet informative questions, like whether or not Trump had any changes he wanted to make to his debate strategy, to which Trump replied:

“No, but I’ll listen to you,” Trump said, IndyStar reports. “If you have any ideas, I’ll take them.”

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And Whitlock got all giddy and happy like a teen who just found out that they are, in fact, going to prom after all.

“Let Joe Biden talk,” Whitlock said. “He’ll do the work for you.”

IndyStar notes that the 15-minute interview included Trump’s connection to Black America.

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“I know I look incredibly young, but I actually have lived long enough to remember back when rappers loved...Donald Trump before he was president,” Whitlock said. Do you see what Whitlock did there? How he made a joke about his age? Did you catch that? Whitlock did that thing that Black men do when they feel insecure about who they are so they make a white man joke. It’s called the “Daniel Cameron” or the “Tim Scott,” depending on where you live.

“What changed your relationship with Black celebrities, entertainers?” Super important question that I was hoping would get answered in this pivotal moment for America’s soul.

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Trump then thought back to the 87 rap songs he said he was featured in.

“It was always Trump, Trump, Trump this. My daughter would call me, ‘Dad you’re in another song,’” he told Whitlock.

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Trump also evoked the name of Oprah Winfrey claiming that the two were cool before the election.

“Then when I ran for politics, there was like a wall,” Trump said. A wall that shouldn’t be there, the president said.

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“Nobody has done for the Black community what I have done,” he said. “Prison reform, criminal justice reform.”

Trump also claimed that Democrats have had the Black vote for over 100 years.

“It’s a habit. It’s almost a habit to vote for a Democrat,” Trump said. “Now you have a lot of (Black) people going into the Republican party.”

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Funny that Trump mentions this, considering just an hour before the interview Whitlock appeared on Republican OnlyFans aka Fox News to fluff the president before they actually got down to it.

“I think there is some clear momentum for President Trump, particularly with Black men,” he told Tucker Carlson, IndyStar reports. “I think we’ve been carrying on a façade for three and a half years as Black men that somehow we can’t relate to Donald Trump, that we didn’t celebrate him in hip hop music for decades, that he wasn’t friends with countless Black athletes, celebrities, entertainers.”

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Whitlock also claimed that Black men have been pretending to act like they don’t have a lot in common with Trump; a trend Whitlock sees starting to end.

“The masculinity of Trump, he represents the patriarchy,” Whitlock said. “He is not politically correct. Those are things, I’m just, I’m sorry, a lot of Black men can relate to. It’s not really surprising to me he’s starting to make headway in that direction.”

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WTF is this man talking about? It doesn’t matter as Whitlock was clearly trying to get some and men say stupid things when they want to be loved.

And because Whitlock can’t stop Whitlocking, he praised the president for getting Big Ten college football back during a fucking pandemic.

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“The other reason I am here is college football. In 1984, me and my dad were in a 400-square-foot apartment,” Whitlock said. “The only people looking for me were college football coaches. Getting a college football scholarship changed my life. Your help getting Big Ten football back rang true.”

Trump told Whitlock he had to get those unpaid college kids back on the field to risk their lives during a fucking pandemic because he knows what’s important.

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“When I heard that the Big Ten was out, I said ‘We got to get them open,’” Trump said. “I worked very hard for a very short period of time, very focused...we got them thinking about it ...and we got them to do it.”

By the interview’s end, Whitlock was all lathered up and willing to go all-in for his man. Whitlock called Antifa the “modern-day KKK,” and Trump couldn’t hold back any longer.

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“You are so smart and you are so right and Antifa is a disaster,” Trump said. “I have a lot of respect for you.”

And Whitlock sat in the afterglow of his conquered companion and the two trash bags gaze into each other’s eyes staring straight into their hollow souls.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

straightoutofpangaea
The Thugnificent Pangaean

“The masculinity of Trump, he represents the patriarchy,” Whitlock said. “He is not politically correct. Those are things, I’m just, I’m sorry, a lot of Black men can relate to. It’s not really surprising to me he’s starting to make headway in that direction.”

Yo, brothers: Whitlock says black masculinity is not politically correct.

Mister Whitlock, it looks like you got some minstrel performance stuck in your cooning.

Also, Mister Whitlock, GTFOH.