This weekend Eric Trump, the jawline-less son of our tweeter in chief, debuted a new haircut. The Twitterverse immediately recognized the style from Richard Spencer and historic photos of Adolf Hitler, the German chancellor known for his Third Reich sleepaway camps (or—as White House spokesman Sean Spicer rebranded them—“Holocaust centers”).
Although the controversy is larger than black Twitter, or social media in general, there are a few questions about this new do that black America needs answers for:
Could this possibly be a mistake?
One of the most devastating times a human being (man or woman) ever faces in life is the week immediately after someone gives you a fucked-up haircut. It’s why men will hand over the keys for a $100,000 car to a valet they’ve never met before, just because he’s wearing an orange plastic vest, but need an FBI-level background check and three references before they will even hold a conversation with a barber. It’s why women will put the Miss Celie two-finger curse on any hairdresser who chops off too much of their coif.
I believe that 43 percent of sick days are taken by employees who recently got a messed-up haircut. Maybe Eric Trump switched barbershops and they assumed that he wanted the whitest haircut possible. Maybe he mistakenly went to a Muslim hairstylist and the barber enacted a class action revenge for his people. You never know.
Does this haircut have a name?
I’ve never been to a Caucasian barbershop (I tend not to trust white people standing behind me with sharp implements), but I know that black people name their hairstyles. I don’t believe that the height of fame is winning an Oscar or being on the cover of Vogue. The most famous people in the world have hairstyles named after them. Every hairdresser knows what a Halle Berry
is supposed to look like. When I was a teenager I had a Gumby, while the default men’s hairstyle in black America is the low Caesar (named after Junior MAFIA’s Lil’ Cease, I think).
Is this the Adolf Shitler? Did E. Treezy walk into Supercuts and ask for the Alt-Reich No. 5? Is this called a Low Beiber? Do wypipo barbershops have the haircut poster on the wall with Nazis, Ku Klux Klan members, Richard Spencer and various other douchebag styles?
Have we seen this haircut before?
We know that Spencer—the man who created the term “alt-right”—made this haircut famous, but I think I’ve seen this haircut before. Maybe Trump wasn’t going for a Hitler look. Remember when Willow Smith sported this same hairstyle? How do we know Trump wasn’t a big fan of Fantasia back in her American Idol days, when she wore the same haircut? Maybe he’s a fan of old-school hip-hop and this is an homage to Salt and/or Pepa.
If so, is this considered cultural appropriation?
Are there any other white supremacist styles we need to know about?
I thought all white kids had to wear this haircut until they turned 8, and now I find out that this is a white nationalist thing! I know neo-Nazis wear black Fred Perry shirts with yellow stripes and Doc Marten boots with white or red laces. Are there other secret wypipo styles? Do Crocs signify something? Is there a hidden message embedded in camouflage baseball caps? Do white women in sundresses and cowboy boots mean anything to the white supremacist community? Is the man bun symbolic of something nefarious?
Eric Trump’s haircut has raised all of these questions (in conjunction with his actual affinity for white supremacists). Perhaps his new hairdo is indicative of all the other fascists who have come out of the closet since Donald Trump became president. Maybe it isn’t a white supremacist thing at all, but I will never believe it. E.T. simply needs to know that we will forever treat him and his father like they gave black America a bad haircut.
Until you do right by us, everything you do is gonna crumble.