I thought the most light-skinned moment I’d ever been a part of was when I cried real tears while watching Drake’s “God’s Plan” video, but having watched DJ Envy’s breakdown on The Breakfast Club, I can say that Envy has officially surpassed me, as that moment was more light-skinned than Steph Curry sporting a perm, counting money in a crushed-velvet jumpsuit while wearing a pinkie ring, lying on silk sheets and petting a Persian cat.
If you’re not familiar with Desus Nice and Kid Mero, they are OGs on Black Twitter and hosts of the late-night show on Vice aptly named Desus & Mero. Leveraging their popular podcast into TV stardom, “the Bodega Boys” riff on popular culture, politics and (mostly) white people. They’ve become the popular destination for the coolest guests because their show is basically The Daily Show if Trevor Noah were a pair of weed-smoking, 40-ounce-drinking dudes from the Bronx, N.Y..
The Bodega Boys’ beef with DJ Envy began when text messages surfaced of DJ Envy (who is married) chatting with someone who suggested butt play with the Power 105.1 FM host. As usual, Desus and Mero became the hood version of CNN, exposing the story:
The dispute continued when DJ Envy appeared on an episode of The Real with his wife, seemingly trying to contain the damage. The couple were very honest about the radio host’s past indiscretions, making it appear that they had fixed all of their problems. Desus and Mero, who never shy away from controversy, made fun of the appearance by Envy and his wife because ... well, that’s what they do.
Well, on Thursday morning, Desus and Mero appeared on The Breakfast Club. Envy was in his feelings from the time the men walked in, and there was nothing wrong with that except the men didn’t realize there was a beef.
After introducing his guests as “Dickhead” and “Pussy,” which is mad passive-aggressive and totally light-skinned, Envy began to explain the impetus behind his beige rage. (Oh, did I mention that Envy was sporting a “My God vs. My Enemies” hat, which was totally planned because isn’t it just like a light-skinned man to wear passive-aggressive clothing to a fuss fight?)
“You owe my wife an apology,” Envy said to a baffled Desus and Mero. “When you insinuated that she was there for the check.”
Then DJ Envy played the clip in which Desus and Mero totally insinuated that Envy’s wife was sticking around for the check. Envy wasn’t going full light-skinned for being mad about that. It was a low blow for the talk show guests to take shots at Envy’s wife. Envy explained that wives and children were off-limits, and the guests agreed and apologized.
Where Envy drove his Jeep Grand Cherokee off the road (yes, Jeep Grand Cherokees are the preferred cars of light-skinned men; just ask any Kappa) was when he couldn’t let it go. He literally stewed in his anger like a spoiled child unable to accept that he’d actually gotten his way. Not sure if Envy came into work looking for a fight, but what he found was an apology, and that wasn’t good enough.
Envy proceeded to hard-chew his gum (totally light-skinned and passive-aggressive), and make snide remarks before he went full Sinbad and walked off the show, undoing all of Matt Barnes’ good work to dispel the myth that light-skinned men will walk off the air.
At that point, if Envy was still upset, he should’ve reached across the table and taken a swing at Desus (because Mero is heavier; Dominican—which means there is a 62 percent chance he had a razor under his tongue; and because I’m not here for light-skinned-on-light-skinned crime).
I know, because that is what rapper Casanova 2x would’ve done. He is my spiritual guide whenever I’m trying to sort out whether or not I’m inside my light-skinned bag. I can’t see Casanova 2x pushing the microphone away and storming out of the interview after receiving an apology, if for no other reason than he made this song and you can’t get passive-aggressive after rhyming that you would punch someone’s teeth out.
My sources tell me that Envy walked off the air and into his office, where he took a few swings at the air and then curled up on the floor in the fetal position and had a good cry, and it was well-earned. (And by “sources,” I mean my imagination, which is definitely a source.)
Envy wasn’t wrong for sticking up for his wife’s honor. That’s the commendable part of what he did. Hell, owning up to his cheating on national radio and national television is a real look at grown-man shit. But come on, bruh, Vin Diesel didn’t threaten to beat up Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson in real life for you to match your hat to your emotions.
There is only one way that Envy can undo this: He’s going to have to fight Charlamagne tha God in a caged death match or admit on the air that he went full light-skinned and then apologize to his guests.
Or, maybe, to redeem his credentials and escape the official censure at the next meeting of #TeamLightSkinned, he can go on Desus and Mero’s show as a guest and fight them both.
Watch out for the razor, though.