Screenshot: Eric Dolan

Proving that black women do not possess the genetic predisposition enjoyed by people who forget about past events like slavery, Jim Crow or that one time their boyfriend came home with stripper glitter on his jeans, a woman went full T.J. Hooker and chased down a white teenager decked in the Confederate flag just to curse him out teach the young lad that she ain’t the one.

The video, originally posted on Facebook by a woman identified by the Atlanta Black Star as Ayo Henry, begins with a car speeding down a highway as the woman spots a boy wearing the Confederate States of America’s official Olympic uniform: a camouflage baseball cap and a rebel flag. I can’t be sure because the video is a little blurry, but it looks as if the boy may have competed on either the 4-x-100 racism relay team or the synchronized redneck squad.

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When she yells out of the window, “Hey, you little shit, remember the time you called me a nigger?” the boy pedals his bicycle furiously to try to escape.

He eventually tries to go off-road through someone’s yard, but the woman jumps out of her car and follows the boy, screaming, “Come here, you little white supremacist piece of shit!”

When she finally catches up to him, the boy semi-apologizes-explains that he called her the slur because he “wasn’t in a good mood that day,” which is understandable. I think I read in an advance copy of Roseanne Barr’s upcoming self-help book that calling people “nigger” is one of the most reliable ways to fight depression.

After the boy admits that he used the racial slur because he was hanging around the wrong people, the woman, whom I will henceforth refer to as “our hero,” explained: “We’re all people. You understand that, right? Black, white, red, brown ... ones with big ears. Ones with small ears ... people.”

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This is where I disagree with our hero. I don’t care who this woman is or what she’s saying; there’s no way I’m going to believe that anyone like Jeff Sessions is human. Maybe he’s the result of a Keebler elf fucking a slow loris (which is an actual animal, not a swipe at anyone’s name), but I sent Sessions’ blood work into 23andMe, and the results showed that he’s 43 percent racist and 31 percent evil.

The woman went on to advise the world-record holder for pedaling while dressed like the car from the Dukes of Hazzard (calm down; I know it’s called the “General Lee”) to rethink whom he hangs out with: “I could be the wrong black person,” she explained. “I could be a black person with guns. I could be a black person with friends with guns. And you’re lucky I’m not. I’m a mother, so you better take this as a lesson.”

Facebook took down the video, citing “community hate speech standards,” but we would like to report some good news about white people:

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Never mind.