Vice Presidential Verzuz Battle: Susan Rice vs. Kamala Harris

Illustration for article titled Vice Presidential iVerzuz/i Battle: Susan Rice vs. Kamala Harris
Photo: Saul Loeb (Getty Images), Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

After months of vetting, evaluating and probably texting “WYD” to Michelle Obama, sources say presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden has whittled down his choices of potential running mates to two Black women.

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Axios reports that more than a dozen people close to Biden (which sounds like they are not social distancing) have the same unanimous opinion: that Biden will either choose Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) or former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as his vice presidential candidate. While noting that the final choice is up to Biden, the insiders all say that they would be shocked if Biden chooses anyone but these two candidates, with Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif.) narrowly missing the chance to face Donald “The Dirtbag” Trump and Mike “Just a White Man” Pence for the winner-take-all 2020 election.

Because of the DMX vs. Snoop Verzuz battle was the best show this year, we decided to handicap the Harris vs. Rice matchup by comparing the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate based on a select set of Black criteria that Biden probably hasn’t considered because he’s white. Plus, he was probably taking a nap. (Not because he’s old but...Who doesn’t like naps?)

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Susan “So-Nice” Rice

Illustration for article titled Vice Presidential iVerzuz/i Battle: Susan Rice vs. Kamala Harris
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Credits

Susan Rice isn’t really an emcee as much as she is a producer who worked behind the scenes on some of our favorite hits.

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Rice is a Rhodes scholar with a Ph.D. in international relations and the daughter of the Black woman who quite literally created the Pell Grant program that helped millions of disadvantaged students attend college. Her father was an Ivy League economics professor and also a Tuskegee airman who eventually became the second Black man to serve on the Federal Reserve Board.

Rice is also a high school valedictorian, a three-sport athlete, a member of Phi Beta Kappa and a policy expert whose Oxford doctoral dissertation was honored as the best in the United Kingdom.

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Unfortunately, in America, this means her upbringing is slightly less impressive than Mike Pence’s whose father owned a few gas stations.

Credits score: 8

Duds

Rice has never served in an elected or public-facing position, which means voters have never had the chance to weigh in on her. She has never been on the campaign trail; she’s never had to give five interviews every day and she’s never had to answer questions about some dumb shit her boss said.

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Rice is also hated by conservatives for reportedly misleading the public when she read actual CIA talking points on the 2012 Benghazi attack.* GOP members also allege that she is the one who “unmasked” Trump campaign officials who were communicated with Russians.

None of this is true.

But if Rice is nominated, “What happened in Benghazi?” or “Unmasking, though...” could become this election season’s version of “...but her emails.”

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She is mostly hated by conservatives because she is an intelligent Black woman who worked for an intelligent Black president. Basically, Susan Rice is Mannie Fresh.

No one really wants to hear her on the mic but she produces classics from behind the scenes

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*If you think the charges about Benghazi are bullshit, so do the ten congressional investigations (six of which were led by Republicans) into the incident which has yielded no substantial claims of wrongdoing against Susan Rice.

Duds Score: -3

Hits

  • As the first Black woman and youngest person ever to represent the U.S. in the United Nations, she set a global agenda on climate change, international LGBTQ advocacy, human rights and fighting global poverty.
  • Served as national security adviser for the Obama administration during two wars.
  • Sat on National Security Council during the Clinton administration.
  • Foreign policy aide to Michael Dukakis’ presidential campaign.
  • Was the first Black president’s “ride or die.”

Hits score: 7

Biggest Banger

“White Lies”

White people have told a lot of lies on Susan Rice.

While this may seem like a weakness to some, it is really a badge of honor. Every significant non-white person in history had to overcome white lies, including Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Barack Obama and this one dude named Jesus who received the death penalty for being disrespectful to white people.

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Achievement score: 7

Do Black People Like Her Music?

That’s the thing about Susan Rice; she’s not really popular among Black Democratic voters. It’s not that she’s unpopular, it’s that her entire career in politics has been dedicated to actually doing shit, which means she is not well-known. I don’t know how many new voters she brings to the table.

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Black score: 4

Will White People Like Her Music?

They hate her songs.

Also...Who cares?

White score: 4

Why Joe Will Pick Her

Joe Biden knows her and Susan Rice knows how dumb Biden can be sometimes.

Why Joe Won’t Pick Her

Because the Biden campaign seems to care about what white people think who aren’t going to vote for him anyway.

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Also, what about Benghazi?

Biden score: 7

Susan Rice Total Score: 34


Kamala “AKA-47” Harris

Illustration for article titled Vice Presidential iVerzuz/i Battle: Susan Rice vs. Kamala Harris
Photo: Justin Sullivan (Getty Images)
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Credits

Kamala Harris spits hot fiyah.

First of all, if she succeeds Biden, she will be the 47th president and, not since Dylan has someone bodied as many political foes as Susan Rice. And, unlike Rice, Harris is from the streets...

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The political streets, that is.

Not only has she run for the same job as Biden during the 2020 primaries, but she has also served in elected positions for 15 years. The child of an Indian mother and a Jamaican father, Harris is the second Black woman to serve in the Senate.

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Kamala Harris also has hella albums because she has a plan for everything, including the coronavirus. Because she has been in electoral politics for so long, she has experience on the campaign trail and with fundraising. She is known for policy-making, her bulldog attitude and for always talking about her alma mater, which is a requirement of graduating from Howard University. Serving as the attorney general of a state the size of a small country, she has experience in law enforcement and the criminal justice system.

She also claims to have smoked weed while listening to 2pac and Snoop.

Credits score: 9

Duds

Serving as the attorney general of a state the size of a small country, Harris has experience in law enforcement and the criminal justice system, which means she might snitch on you.

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As California’s “top cop,” Harris was one the most powerful law enforcement agents in the world and, rightly or wrongly, some hold her accountable for the scandals and corruption that occurred under her watch. While there is some merit to the claim that there is a valid need for progressives who can reform America’s broken criminal system from inside, many people understandably can never trust someone who worked in law enforcement.

And, because she has been in public positions, there is a history that her opponents can criticize, including her previous stance on marijuana, her stance on reparations and the fact that she can’t spit hot fiyah like Dylan.

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Duds score: -4

Hits

  • Senator for the most populous state in America.
  • Dragging Joe Biden in a rap battle at the presidential debates.
  • Dragged Brett Kavanaugh in a cipher at his Senate confirmation hearing
  • Dragged FBI Director Christopher Wray in their beef about white supremacist extremists
  • California attorney general
  • San Francisco district attorney
  • Has been to Howard Homecoming
  • Knows who 2pac is

Hits score: 8

Biggest Banger

“Skee-Wee Wit Me”

While smoking weed while listening to Pac might not be an achievement, Harris is also a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha, a Black sorority. What difference does this make?

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Biden’s fundraising will see a big boost in fundraising when he introduces a line of pink and green T-shirts.

Also, white people hate her for publicly dragging so many white men.

Achievement score: 8

Do Black People Like Her Music?

This is hard to say. While Susan Rice may not engender love, most Black voters have already made up their minds about Harris. The question is: Is the K-Hive bigger than her squad of haters? Will her history in law enforcement make voters stay home or can she motivate enough new Black voters to come out?

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Ultimately, anyone in the “Kamala is a cop” crowd who decides to sit this one out or vote for Trump wasn’t going to vote for Biden anyway, so he loses nothing by picking her. I think she brings more to the metaphorical table than she drives away.

Black score: 6

Do White people Like Her Music?

Did I mention that no one cares?

Wypipo are gonna wypipo and, for the last half-century, they’ve been doing the same dance. The majority of white voters have voted for the Republican presidential candidate for 50 years,

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White score: 5

Why Joe Will Pick Her

Biden needs to balance the ticket with someone progressive enough to motivate Black voters but moderate enough to not scare away white voters. Plus, as a former senator, Joe values her experience and policymaking experience.

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Plus, she has the exact opposite personality of Joe Biden. While Harris is congenial and pleasant, she’s not necessarily charismatic like Biden. In fact, it can be argued that Harris is more likable when she’s doing her prosecutor schtick and raking someone over the coals, unlike Joe Biden, who seems to get flustered when he’s confronted.

Politically, Harris is Loaded Lux and Joe Biden is Cassidy.

Why Joe Won’t Pick Her

Joe don’t know her like that.

Also, Biden might have PTSD from when Harris whipped his ass the last time they were on stage together.

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Biden score: 8

Kamala Harris Total Score: 39


So there you have it.

The Root predicts Kamala Harris will narrowly upset Susan Rice in the vice presidential Verzuz battle and go on to meet Mike Pence.

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I can’t wait to see her drag his ass in the vice presidential debate and hear the moderator say.

“That motherfucker spittin’!”

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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DISCUSSION

italianator
2Woke2Joke

Rice is the better pick, but his campaign badly needs some (positive) energy. So it’s going to be K-Harris. Don’t sleep on Benghazi being a big motivator for the right if Rice is selected. These are the same motherfuckers who believed in Pizzagate.