Screenshot: YouTube (Link Up TV)

The Honorable Dr. Umar Ifatunde GoFundme Johnson, great-grand-playcousin to Frederick Douglas, the most requested bullshitter in the Unconscious Community, Big P.O.P.A. (Prince of Panhandling Arts), the ride-or-dashiki school nurse who vowed to one day Make Hotep Great Again, has announced the location of his long-awaited Hogwarts School for Gifted and Talented.

No one in America has seen or heard the announcement, but I’m sure he made one.

After all, if he hadn’t, the people who claimed that his detractors were tools of the white man would be in my inbox apologizing. They aren’t, so I assume that he found a reasonably-priced property near an abandoned vibranium mine on the outskirts of Wakanda.

Advertisement

Of course, everyone knows that I’m a tool of the angry black feminists’ gay agenda plot to destroy strong black men whose beards don’t connect, so you should take what I say with a grain of salt. No, the noted YouTube yeller isn’t a snake-oil salesman in the same vein of black preachers and politicians who weaved wonderful make-believe ice cream dreams, bamboozling his faithful acolytes with a combination of big words and twisted scripture.

Nah, bruh. Umar’s followers are part of the “conscious community.” They are “woke.” They won’t fall for the white man’s trickery, even when these tactics are adapted and employed by a black man.

Maybe Dr. Jermaine Umar Johnson needed a few extra donation dollars for Kwanzaa gifts because, in November, he began stringing his followers along by promising that he would announce the location of Kente Cloth College for Woke Kings on January 1, 2019.

Advertisement

I could tell he wasn’t lying.

This time was different from the 2014 video when he began asking for donations to open the Frederick Douglas Marcus Garvey Leadership Academy for black boys. It was different from when he claimed he had enough funds to purchase St. Paul’s College that same year. This wasn’t like his 2015 speech when he promised to open the school in 2016.

Advertisement

Then he said Paypal froze his accounts. So we waited until 2017.

Then he said GoFundme closed his accounts and took “about $100,000” even though that amount is at about 10 times Gofundme’s actual rate but you should feel free to mail him a donation because he was definitely going to open a school in 2018.

Then Johnson claimed he had the $400,000 that was donated and his woke followers believed him even though he has never shown receipts. Even though he has never shown a business plan. Even though he has never obtained a license or shown a single step towards building Ifatunde Technical Institute except saying words.

Advertisement

So on the day he was supposed to announce his school, he just posted a cryptic message to let them know that it’s coming.

This time is different.

But he’s not a thief. He’s not a charlatan. He’s not a grifting con artist preying on his own people for financial gain. His Invisible Umar University for Unbelievable Bullshit is totally different from the Greater Prosperity Holy Ghost Temple of Prayer building fund.

Advertisement

And just like the people who defend their pastor, his followers will tell you that you don’t have faith. They will call you a non-believer. They will say you have the devil in you. I do not dislike Umar Johnson. However, I despise people who use the desperation caused by white supremacy to steal from black people. But that’s how false prophets keep their pews crowded and their bellies full. Umar is slicker than any preacher who ever lived.

At least with the fake preachers, you get a prayer cloth and anointing oil.

This nigga won’t even show receipts.