Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) arrives at the U.S. Capitol for the Senate impeachment trial on January 28, 2020, in Washington, DC.
Photo: Mario Tama (Getty Images)

My parents were going through a divorce when I was 10. They were still trying to learn how to co-parent when my mother got me tickets to go to a WWE (it was the WWF back then) live performance on the condition that my dad would have to take me. My father was annoyed. My mother hadn’t checked with him before purchasing the tickets and taking me meant that he was going to have to move his schedule around.

I used some old science fair poster paper to make a sign to hold up during the matches. The day came and me, my best friend and my sign waited for my dad, and as soon as I got in the car, I could feel my presence being an inconvenience. We arrived and my father complained about everything: the price of the food, the price of the fake championship belts, the seats, the people. Before the first match even began, my father turned to me and my best friend and said, “Well, we know no one is going to lose a belt tonight!” Puzzled, me and my friend looked on. “There aren’t even cameras here!” He then left to smoke a cigarette.

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I sat there like a deflated balloon. And my dad was right. Every match was close, but in the end, the wrestler that came with the belt left with it. The ride home was quiet.

Professional wrestling is less about the outcome and more about the show. It isn’t the results of the fight that matter—although they totally matter—it’s all about the buildup, the feud, the pre-fight interviews; the fight is the crescendo, but not the apex.

I’ve had this feeling since Trump’s impeachment trial began. The fix has been in and no matter how close the match appears, we know that the wrestler with the belt is leaving with the belt. Trump is likely going to be acquitted today, and the Senate didn’t even try to put on a good show. Senators who were supposed to be listening to the trial have been caught reading books, playing on their Apple watches, falling asleep and leaving during the session.

This entire Senate trial has been a sham and we knew that even before it began. And yet, here we are, as one of the most corrupt presidents in the history of America is waiting for the witness vote he knows will set him free so he can take his social media victory lap.

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So what now?

I can’t with the drama queens who are the Republican Party and their bullshit of acting as if they were waiting to hear all of the evidence before voting on whether or not to hear witnesses. The crux of Republicans’ argument is that they hadn’t heard from any witnesses who actually heard the president on the call when he said he was withholding congressionally-approved military aid unless the president of Ukraine agreed to announce an investigation into Trump’s political rival, Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. The GOP has claimed that Dems had the chance to make their case in the House and since they didn’t, they don’t want to hear from anyone else. Republicans don’t care that the White House blocked witnesses from testifying. Now that Trump’s former national security adviser John Bolton is willing to testify, Republicans are like, “Nah, son.”

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And don’t get caught up in the pump-faking by Republican senators who are still undecided or don’t know where they stand; most of these bamas are going to vote for witnesses.

So, fuck Susan Collins (R-Maine); fuck retiring Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.)—despite his name and the .0000001 percent chance that a white man could be named Lamar; fuck Mitt Romney, who is reportedly voting for witnesses, just for being named Mitt; and fuck Lisa Murkowski (R-Ak.) forever, for always, for love.

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But Steve, Collins says she is voting for witnesses. Why do you hate her?

It’s a fake vote and you don’t get credit for fake voting. Collins knows that there aren’t going to be any witnesses, so her vote is so she can stand on the “I voted for witnesses!” soapbox in her tight race to maintain her Senate seat.

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Alexander is a whole old-ass bitch. He’s not even running, so he totally could have voted for witnesses as he has nothing to lose. But an old bitch is going to old bitch. At all times. And he had the audacity to say that it was “inappropriate for the president to ask a foreign leader to investigate his political opponent and to withhold United States aid to encourage that investigation,” which is a clear description of quid pro quo and just so happens to be the basis of the Democrats’ push for Trump’s impeachment, and he’s still voting no on new witnesses with his old ass.

Murkowski hasn’t said how she is voting, but she’s holding her vote till the last minute to be a goddamn drama queen. Fuck her and her vote. If she, Romney and Collins do vote for witnesses, that would tie the vote, which would possibly then be in the hands of Chief Justice Roberts, who will probably vomit all over his desk and then pass out so he doesn’t have to break the tie. He’s probably going to punt and not do anything, so fuck him, too.

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What else?

Sen. Elizabeth Warren is a goddamn gawd for trolling Chief Justice Roberts with her question Thursday.

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“At a time when large majorities of Americans have lost faith in government, does the fact that the chief justice is presiding over an impeachment trial in which Republican senators have thus far refused to allow witnesses or evidence contribute to the loss of legitimacy of the chief justice, the Supreme Court, and the Constitution?” he read.

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Bwahahahahaha!

Roberts’ face was tight AF after reading that shit out loud and I could do nothing but laugh and applaud Sen. Warren for using her question wisely.

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What to expect today

So now there are going to be four hours of pointless debate about whether or not to call witnesses before the vote, which we all know has been decided. We know how it’s going to go and, just for the record, there has never been a Senate impeachment trial where witnesses have never been called. So there’s that, but the Senate could’ve at least put on a better show if the show is all we were going to get.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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