Stormy Daniels
Screenshot: 60 Minutes (CBS)

If I were the proud owner of a vagina but had made the strategic error of allowing Donald Trump not only to be inside it but also to enter the premises without the protection of a condom, I would let that story go to my grave.

I find it funny that a self-professed germophobe would fuck a porn star raw, but I’m more disturbed by the woman’s choices here. Sis, that is Donald Trump; very little about that thot-ass bitch seems that hygienic.

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That’s why I became incensed when interviewer Anderson Cooper asked my new favorite person, Stormy Daniels, “How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Like, you Salt-N-Pepa-colored, handsome fool: Who would lie on 60 Minutes of all shows about letting Sweet Potato Saddam hit it raw? This is not something to brag about.

I know that quite a few media pundits—the majority of whom are white, male and boring as all hell—are pretending we shouldn’t care about the minutiae of their sexual escapades (I hope you read that and heard a Janet Jackson chorus). To that I say: Shut y’all’s fake Puritan asses the hell up.

Part of Sweet Potato Saddam’s legend is rooted in the playboy image he crafted. He wanted us to believe that not only was he a self-made billionaire and real estate mogul, but he was also a playboy. This man routinely appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show to talk about all of the gorgeous women who purportedly wanted him.

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Thanks to Daniels, we now have a better idea of how this man moves, thus one more step in dismantling the myth of a megalomaniac’s making. Seriously, who knew that Donald Trump was like that country-ass thot bop whose title I can’t remember, but the hook for which goes, “Slap me on my ass, pull my hair and then give it to me”?!

And we all know this is embarrassing the hell out of a man who is easily embarrassed. Think about all the people this man has belittled and demeaned for no other reason than that he could—particularly women like Hillary Clinton. I respect Trump’s right to kink, but I’m gonna chuckle at all of this anyway because the Nelson Muntz of politics deserves everything that’s coming his way as a result of this scandal.

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So, yes, I was very much intrigued by the fact that Stormy Daniels was a bit of a vicious top, and not only spanked the now president of the United States but more or less called him out for talking about himself all of the damn time, and that she found such a trait rather dull. It’s part of a theme with this woman: She is not intimidated by this man.

Of course, her bae-ass lawyer, Michael Avenatti, has since informed us that Daniels was ready to go into deep details—and Anderson Cooper wasted an opportunity to go on that field trip with her. Look, I like Cooper just fine, but this is why his CNN ratings are like Christina Milian’s, i.e., dip it low, pick it up, slow. The next time someone wants to describe the president’s dick, let her, Lil’ Vanderbilt.

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As for the interview itself, apparently some folks are disappointed because she didn’t say anything new. These people watch too much Love & Hip Hop and Real Housewives. For one, reading a 2011 Stormy Daniels interview with In Touch Weekly is not the same as watching her in 2018 detail what her life has been like since having sex with a powerful man who has become all the more powerful and is effectively trying to bully her into silence.

I am very much invested in someone who has decided not to allow a blowhard to keep her silent by way of a nondisclosure agreement she seemed to have never wanted to sign to begin with.

Moreover, if she has indeed been physically threatened into silence, we need to know exactly who made the threat and on whose behalf. OK, who I am kidding? We can figure out who they were working for, but I’d love to know the identity of this person so he can see himself inside a jail cell.

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Meanwhile, Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen is dumb as all hell.

He wants us to believe that in his capacity as Trump’s lawyer, he paid off an adult-film star with a sum of over six figures, out of his own pocket, so she would be silent about some affair that apparently didn’t happen—all while Minute Maid Mao’s micromanaging ass had absolutely no idea.

That is a crock of shit, and there is no way in hell these dumb criminals skirt by the investigation about violating campaign-finance laws. If special counsel Robert Mueller somehow doesn’t get Trump, Stormy Daniels, America’s sweetheart and savior, may be the ticket. Who knew that spanking some big-ass baby’s even bigger ass might one day prove so fruitful to American democracy?

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Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I did chuckle at Daniels’ saying that when she returned from the bathroom, Bankruptcy Batista was “perched” on the bed, and that in that moment, she knew what she had to do. I will not portray Daniels as a victim because she was vehement that she was not a victim and that the sex was consensual.

However, her phrasing is somewhat alarming all the same because she more or less argued that she felt that in that moment, it made more sense to play into a man’s expectation for sex rather than to fight it. This for the same kind of man who brags about grabbing women’s vaginas and uses his wretched wannabe mobster of an attorney to pressure women into signing nondisclosure agreements—stripping them of their agency to tell their truths as they see fit.

That is something we need to think more about.

Now, regarding Trump’s wife, Melania, whose spokeswoman tweeted the following after the interview:

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Melania Trump can fuck off.

Stormy Daniels has a child, too, and whatever arrangement the Trumps have in their marriage is their business.

However, while Melania Trump’s son shouldn’t be dragged into this nonsense, it’s not his fault that Daddy cheated on Mommy with a porn star shortly after his birth. Unfortunately, when some people make choices, there are consequences for others. Such is the case here.

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OK, I’m about to go start the Stormy Daniels hive. Keep talking that good talk, Stormy. And let us know what the room smelled like afterward. I’m disgusting for asking, but I’m curious anyway.