There was football this weekend? Oh.
Roger Goodell Hates the Broncos
In a past life, I used to play both the tuba and baritone in middle school. I wasn’t particularly great at either—my family used to call it “fart music”—but I tried, dammit, and performed in a couple of our local Rooster Day Parades back in Tulsa, Okla., as well as a few concerts. That being said, even decades removed from touching a brass instrument, if the LA Philharmonic hits me up this morning and is like, “Yo, can you play for us tomorrow?” I’m doing that shit. You know why? Because embarrassment be damned, when in the hell will I ever have an opportunity to perform on such a legendary stage?
I would imagine Broncos rookie wide receiver (keywords: wide receiver) Kendall Hinton had a similar train of thought when coach Vic Fangio blew up his phone on Saturday and was like, “Ummmmmmmm, we don’t have a quarterback tomorrow, fam. Not a single...fucking...one. Can you play or can you play?”
I mean, sure, Hinton used to play quarterback for Wake Forest way back in liiiiiiiiike 2015, but he’s been a wide receiver for a hot minute now and is light years away from being starting quarterback material—especially against the New Orleans Saints, who just so happen to have one of the best defenses in the entire goddamn league. So how in the hell did Hinton, a lowly practice squad player, end up playing emergency quarterback for the Broncos on Sunday?
Backup QB Jeff Driskel was diagnosed with COVID-19 on Thursday, and with fellow quarterbacks Drew Lock, Brett Rypien and Blake Bortles all deemed “high-risk” due to being in close contact with Driskel, the NFL ruled every single quarterback on the Broncos roster ineligible to play on Sunday. During a season in which several games have been postponed after countless players have tested positive for COVID, the expectation was that the Broncos game would be pushed back too. But nope! The league decided to inexplicably force Denver to play anyway without a single fucking quarterback on their roster, which is just as unreal as it is unfair.
So yes, in a game that was over well before it even began, the Broncos started Hinton as their emergency quarterback—only after the league refused to allow the Broncos to use an assistant coach or sign somebody like Colin Kaepernick—and the end result was just as putrid as you can imagine.
The Broncos not only got obliterated 31-3—truth be told, I’m astonished they weren’t shut out—but Hinton only completed a single pass the entire game. As in one. He also finished with two interceptions, which means it was the first time since 1998 that a player (*cough* Ryan Leaf *cough*) had more interceptions than completed passes.
Just look at this shit.
I think it’s safe to say that this game should’ve never been played, but I have all the respect in the world for Hinton for stepping up to take on an impossible task on such extraordinarily short notice. There was absolutely no chance in hell he could succeed, and he willingly fell on the sword regardless.
Roger Goodell can burn in Hell.
Tom Brady Is Done, Son
I’ve waited an eternity to say this, but it’s official: Tom Brady is washed.
Yes, he’s older than Danny Glover and probably wears Depends at this stage of his career, but it brings me tremendous joy to finally watch this geezer come face-to-face with his football mortality.
The Bucs extended their losing streak to two games with a 27-24 loss to the Chiefs on Sunday in a game that included Tyreek Hill collecting over 200 receiving yards in the first quarter alone while Tom Brady hurled interception after interception.
“Just not executing at the highest level,” Brady told reporters last week prior to another ugly outing. Brady apologists will point the finger at coach Bruce Arians’ playcalling or a running back corps that catches the ball about as well as Kwame Brown, but Father Time is undefeated and he’s had Donald Trump’s favorite player in a headlock all season.
He might be the greatest quarterback who ever lived, but he’ll also be checking into an assisted living facility after the season is over.
Who Balled Out This Week
Derrick Henry went ape shit (178 yards on the ground, 3 touchdowns) against the Colts and Patrick Mahomes threw for almost 500 yards against Tampa Bay, but I gotta clap it up for the Browns who, for the first time in 26 years, are five games over .500 after punching the Jaguars in the mouth on Sunday. Noooooobody saw that coming, so respect due.
But did you see what Josh Jacobs did on Sunday??!!??!!
If you look closely, you can see Darqueze Dennard’s soul leaving his body.
Even Nate Robinson is like, “That’s a bit much.”
See y’all next week.