Things About You That No One Actually Gives a Shit About, Ranked

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Get Out
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15. Your dreams (and not like your hopes and dreams and shit—people should care about those—but the dream you had last night about clowns and chicken-fried tofu. No one cares).


14. Your unsolicited dating preferences.

13. Your parenting advice if you’ve never had children and your marriage advice if you’ve never been married (also, it should be noted that even if you do happen to have children and/or be married, this is still mostly applicable).

12. How you feel about waiting in lines, going to funerals, doing your taxes, sitting in traffic and other things that everyone hates, not just you.

11. Your NCAA tournament bracket (unless, of course, you’re talking to other members of the pool you’re in—these are the only people you’re allowed to discuss this with).

10. How much you had to drink the last time you got drunk.

9. Your opinions on most things (this, of course, doesn’t mean don’t have opinions—have all the opinions! Just know that most people don’t give a shit).


8. How long it takes you to get to work.

7. How the weather where you’re from compares with the weather where you currently live.


6. How the place you’re from compares with the place where you currently live.

5. If you’re going to delete people from your social media accounts.

4. People you dated and/or didn’t date in high school and/or college.

3. Hypothetical decisions you would have made that are literally impossible to make (e.g., “I would’ve voted for Obama a third time”).


2. The number of and your feelings about your haters.

1. If you’re going to delete your social media accounts.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



I really think “I would have voted for Obama for a 3rd term” deserves it’s own.

And it should be #1.

On another note, why do white people constantly want to talk about their dreams? Or ghosts. I was at a work lunch and some guy started talking about how he talked to his dead mother (and by talk I mean had an actual conversation with). Everyone talked as if this was normal and I was side-eyeing every one of them.