The Whistleblower Complaint About Donald Trump's Secret Phone Call, Explained

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Explain Like I’m a Racist 5-Year-OldLike the popular subreddit “Explain Like I’m 5," which simplifies complex issues into easily understandable, digestible bites, “Explain Like I’m a Racist 5-Year-Old” breaks down complicated subjects on the intersection of race, economics and politics, making them so simple, even a bigoted toddler could understand them.

Hey Michael.

Hey Buddy! Long-time, no see! How have you been?

Well, I heard Donald Trump was really upset this morning because a very smart man won’t let him sleep. My daddy says you are “pretty smart (for a negro)” so I thought I’d ask you about it.

I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Really? I heard on the news that a lot of people are upset because a very intelligent man was complaining and blowing a whistle at the White House. I figured Donald Trump might not be so cranky if the smart whistle man would let him get some sleep.

No, my little neophyte Nazi. There isn’t a person with a high IQ blowing a whistle. They’re talking about the whistleblower complaint from a source within the intelligence community.

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A whole community of intelligent whistles blowing at one time? No wonder he’s mad!

No. No. No. Apparently, a high-level person in the national intelligence communityone of the 17 agencies charged with collecting, analyzing, and delivering foreign intelligence and counterintelligence informationfound out that Donald Trump said something to a foreign leader that was very troubling.

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The Washington Post reports:

Trump’s interaction with the foreign leader included a “promise” that was regarded as so troubling that it prompted an official in the U.S. intelligence community to file a formal whistleblower complaint with the inspector general for the intelligence community, said the former officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the matter publicly.

It was not immediately clear which foreign leader Trump was speaking with or what he pledged to deliver, but his direct involvement in the matter has not been previously disclosed. It raises new questions about the president’s handling of sensitive information and may further strain his relationship with U.S. spy agencies. One former official said the communication was a phone call.

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Oh, I see. It’s like when my daddy made me promise not to tell anyone about his white choir robe and pointy hood. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone because when I went to the choir rehearsal, it was pretty boring. They just burned a cross and listened to a sermon about Jesus.

Jesus? No Lil’ Racist Rascal. That wasn’t choir practice. That was a Klan meeting.

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No...I’m pretty sure they were talking about Jesus because they kept saying “the white man is coming back!” Anyway, did Donald Trump reveal a secret?

Probably not.

Whoever filed the complaint had access to presidential phone calls, according to NBC News. A person that high on the intelligence chain would already know that U.S. law states that the president can reveal anything he wants at any time. Essentially, the president can unilaterally declassify information whenever he wants. So the complaint would have to be about more than that.

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I don’t know what a you-knee ladder is, but did the smart man with the whistle tell anyone about his discovery?

The whistleblower told the Intelligence Community Inspector. But again, there isn’t an actual whistle.

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That’s probably why the whistleblower was mad. How is this whistleblower supposed to do this job if he doesn’t have a whistle? But is the president at fault? I say this one’s on Inspector Gadget.

No, it’s the Inspector General—an independent watchdog who is supposed to notify Congress when there is something of “urgent concern.” But the Director of National Intelligence prevented the IG from passing the information along to Congress.

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I’m not sure Congress should be concerned with the government’s whistle shortage. It doesn’t seem like an “urgent concern” to me.

Again, baby bigot, this story has nothing to do with whistles! “Urgent concern” is actually “a legal threshold that requires notification of congressional oversight committees,” the Post reports.

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“A Director of National Intelligence has never prevented a properly submitted whistleblower complaint that the [inspector general] determined to be credible and urgent from being provided to the congressional intelligence committees. Never,” said House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff.

So what could Trump have said? And who did he say it to?

No one knows.

All we know is that the complaint was filed on August 12, a day when Trump was out playing golf. Some people think it could have been Putin because…

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Ha, ha! You said pooting!

I meant Russian President Vladimir Putin. Trump spoke to him over the phone on July 31. Curiously, Trump didn’t tell anyone about the phone call. Then, when the Kremlin released the information, Trump said the call was about wildfires in Siberia.

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Probably a choir practice gone wrong. Everyone knows you have to clear all of the debris out of the way before you light the cross. That’s why my papa says front lawns in black neighborhoods are the best place.

This sounds like a great spy thriller. Are there any other conspiracies?

Well, now that you mention it, Dan Coates, the previous Director of National Intelligence announced he would step down as Director of National Intelligence on July 28. Two weeks later (and three days before the whistleblower formally filed the complaint), Coates burst into a classified meeting and urged the woman next in line for his job, Deputy Director of National Intelligence Sue Gordon, to resign. They both left their jobs on the same day, August 15, three days after this complaint was filed.

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Do you think they were upset about the disturbing lack of whistles or was it something else?

FORGET THE WHISTLES!

This doesn’t have anything to do with whistles, or IQ or even spy secrets!

The story is about how Trump is changing the government into a monarchy filled with lackeys who are willing to protect him at all costs. If there is no Congressional oversight of the presidency, then we essentially live in a dictatorship.

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Wow, that’s exactly what my dad said about Obama!

I don’t even like to wade into the unprovable “if Obama did it” circular argument. However, this specific case shows exposes the hypocrisy of Republicans and so-called “constitutional conservatives” who whined about the presidential overreach of “King Obama” when he unilaterally conferred legal status to immigrants, signed Executive Order 13658 raising the minimum wage on federal contracts, and used recess appointments to subvert congressional gridlock.

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If all of this is true, then why don’t you seem concerned?

Well...If there’s one thing we can find solace in, it’s that Donald Trump is stupid and a liar. He promised that Mexico would pay for a coast-to-coast wall. He promised that he had a secret plan to defeat ISIS. He promised that he would fix America’s gun problems, create a better healthcare plan, create a space force, end the AIDS epidemic, cure cancer, bring back manufacturing jobs, kill all the drug dealers and bring black voters to the Republican Party.

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Plus, Trump is a rich white man. I’m used to white people getting away with shit.

Hey, that’s racist! I didn’t come here to learn any of that. I actually came here to ask you something else.

What’s that?

Well, my dad always says that the black man is taking everything from the white man. So I just wanted to ask...Do you know anyone who can get me a deal on one of those stolen whistles?

Sigh.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.