On Tuesday at 9 p.m. ET, President Trump is set to make his third State of the Union speech amid the backdrop of impeachment. Two fictional, yet, still unnamed sources sent parts of Trump’s State of the Union speech to The Root offices.
TO THE CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES:
Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, my fellow Americans, and Madam Speaker.
(Turn to Nancy Pelosi and walrus clap hands in her direction).
We meet tonight at a moment of unlimited potential. By unlimited potential, I mean me. I am the great I am. I am the alpha and the omega. In short, I am the great ham. I do not like them with a fork.
Where is Melania? There she is. Isn’t she beautiful? She wouldn’t ride with me tonight so she took an Uber, something about me smelling like beets. She knows that’s what I use for lotion. I don’t get it.
As we begin on the heels of a failed impeachment, which really was stupid, I mean wasn’t that just the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard of? Impeaching a Russian oligarch who didn’t win the election in the first place. I told Vice President Mike Pence, where is Mike? I told him that I was going to come out and yell “Impeach These” and grab my mangina, but he told me not to do that so I won’t but I just want…Is that Lindsey Graham? Lindsey Graham, my favorite anal plug. Good to see you could be here today. Are you wearing the lace briefs I bought you?
Millions of our fellow citizens are watching us now and, to them, I want to say “Burnsauce!” The agenda I want to lay out isn’t a Republican agenda or a Democrat agenda but a Trump agenda. Many of us campaigned on core values and then abandoned those values once we got drunk on power or—in my case — blackmailed by a certain former KGB agent.
Oh shit, is that Bernie Sanders? Wow. Goddamn you look old. Like, I thought you looked old on TV but in person, you look really fucking old. Like old-old. Like we might have to feed you baby food through an IV old. Now I see why you’re pushing Medicare for all. Trust me—those backup defibrillators are expensive.
Anyway, we have a unique opportunity in America to continue to praise me after I wrecked those bamas who tried to remove me from office. Not since President Sylvester Stallone before me have we seen a white man so viciously defeat a foreign presence. I could’ve given up. I could’ve thrown in the towel. But after looking into the dead eyes of my love, Kellyanne Conway, and rubbing on her wrinkled, leathery flesh, I knew that I had to push on.
Where is Senator Chuck Schumer? Isn’t that a funny last name? Schumer. Where is ole’ Chuck? There he is, with his reading glasses dangling off his nose. Do you have something to say? I didn’t think you did.
We must continue to embrace the policy of revenge and retribution while continuing to praise...you guessed it…me. I want my administration to serve as a bridge between the KKK of yesteryear and the MAGA hats of today and, in doing so, we can unlock some of America’s most racist secrets like the Legend of Zelda. I loved that game. Do you remember that game, Mike? Where is Mike Pence? Maybe he’s outside aborting himself. Oh, I forgot, this is when he schedules his weekly gay aversion electroshock therapy. I hope his wife gave him a hall pass.
To the 1 percent I say, “Daddy’s got you” and by “Daddy” I mean the name that I heard Melania whispering into her burner phone that she doesn’t know that I know about. Our marriage is about as real as the impeachment trial. Or her lips. Where is Melania? Stand up. Isn’t she beautiful?! To the 1 percent, I want to assure you that I will continue to support you. Help is coming. America has never given up on you and we never will. In the words of former President Hulk Hogan: “What you gonna do when Trump-mania runs wild on you, brother?”
To the blacks I say, did you see the Alice Johnson commercial? She is now a free black woman with her papers and she’s moved up North. None of this could’ve been achieved without my black consigliere, Kim Kardashian. Where is Kim? Is she here? There she is; stand up Kim so everyone can see your surgically enhanced butt. Isn’t that a nice fake butt?
Through my work with Van Jones, America will have its first nationally accredited clown college in which aspiring commentators can learn how to abandon the movement for self-advancement. I took notice when you said pardoning one black woman would legitimize my reboot of the war on drugs; placing a white supremacist in charge of the Justice Department, all while advocating for police brutality and criminalizing black and brown people. Where is Van? There he is way in the back. Van Jones. I could barely recognize you under all that makeup. Turns out you were right.
Much like the Kansas City Chiefs, which I now know is in Missouri—I mean, seriously, who else thought they were in Kansas? Let me see by a show of hands. Even if I had a second guess, I would have guessed Kansas City was in Arkansas. Much like the Chiefs comeback, you know who else is on par for a comeback? America! Once we can get all this impeachment garbage behind us, I can get back to acting like I care about blue-collar workers and American families. I will probably have to take money from a program to get my border wall finished, but who needs food stamps and healthcare anyway, amirite?
I’d also like to thank everyone in our intelligence community except for the whistleblower whose name is John Legend, for helping keep our country safe. I’d also like to add that John Bolton is a goddamn liar. I haven’t read his stupid book manuscript yet, because it doesn’t have any pictures. But if he insinuates that I asked whether a Betamax videotape of Russian sex workers performing a golden shower posed a threat to our country, I was asking for a friend.
Also, I’d like to shout out my ride-or-die co-conspirator Mitch McConnell. Aside from a shared love of Russia, Mitch has a face that looks like a wax figurine of Lord Voldemort that melted in the sun. Don’t worry, that’s not an insult. Mitch is my bitch. He likes it rough, don’t you, you Mitch-ass nigga.
Finally, I’d like to lay out my plans for the next year. I have asked my Secretary of Evil Stephen Miller to draft an executive order repealing the Obama administration’s policy of allowing black people to vote. I was told that this would take a constitutional amendment but I assured them that my judicial appointees have never heard of this so-called “Constitution.”
I have also anointed Rudy Giuliani as the head of the Secret Service and ordered him to begin an investigation into Bernie Sanders’ socialist ties; Michael Bloomberg’s finances, and Elizabeth Warren’s face-washing routine. I’ve decided to leave Pete Buttigieg alone. He’s the only Democratic candidate that can match me in the lying department.
Finally, I’d like to announce that under my leadership, America once again has the world’s greatest economy, the best voter suppression system and the highest rate of white supremacist marches. With the help of my congressional criminal enablers and rabid base of supporters, I can truly say, the state of the union is:
Good night. And may God bless the white people of the United States of America.