President Donald Trump shakes hands with James Comey, then director of the FBI, in the Blue Room of the White House on Jan. 22, 2017, in Washington, D.C.
Photo: Andrew Harrer (Getty Images)

President Trump is America’s 6-month-old baby who whines and fusses when he doesn’t get his way. He also tans and eats ungodly amounts of KFC when he’s not thrashing about on the Twitters.

Earlier this week, news outlets got advance copies of fired FBI Director James Comey’s new book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership. It’s reportedly a scathing tell-all about his time working under the Trump administration. In the book, which is getting all the buzz a new book could want, Comey reportedly notes that Trump is a bitch-ass bitch who lives for drama, that his leadership style is akin to that of a mob boss and that he believed the FBI to be his personal police department. But that isn’t all; in fact, had it just stayed there, that might’ve been fine. But Comey, just like the president he’s bashing, had to get dirty in the petty waters.

In his book, the former FBI director, who is 6 feet 8 inches, takes shots at Trump’s height, skin color and hands.

“His face appeared slightly orange with bright white half-moons under his eyes where I assumed he placed small tanning goggles, and impressively coifed, bright blond hair, which upon close inspection looked to be all his,” Comey writes, The Hill reports.

“As he extended his hand, I made a mental note to check its size. It was smaller than mine, but did not seem unusually so,” he continues.

Advertisement

I would’ve been fine with the shots against Trump had Comey not been complicit in helping his orange ass get elected. That’s right: Before Comey found himself on the outside looking in, he was head of the FBI, and in the final days of the 2016 presidential campaign, he decided to reopen the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. According to Vanity Fair:

11 days before the 2016 presidential election ... Comey sent a letter to Congress saying he was reopening the investigation in light of new information found, but not yet examined, by the F.B.I. It was now the Democrats’ turn to erupt in rage—a rage that only grew when two days before the election Comey announced there was nothing new or incriminating about the purportedly new information.

The “October surprise” dominated the news cycle in the crucial last days of the election, allowing Donald Trump to claim on the campaign trail that Hillary would soon be indicted, and to lead his followers in chanting, “Lock her up!”

After Hillary lost, Bill Clinton summed up what many Democrats and even some Republicans still believe: “James Comey cost her the election.”

Advertisement

He did. Everyone knows this. But Comey tried to reinvent himself after the election and found himself without a job because Trump’s petty struck first. See, much like his play cousin Russian President Vladimir Putin, Trump believed that once he was in office, all the branches of government worked for him. When he realized that Comey wasn’t on his “team,” Trump had him fired. So now Comey has written a tell-all book bashing the dictator in chief because he lost.

Nah, son.

Comey helped get this orange mass of regurgitated original recipe into office. We must never forget that. And now, like a scorned lover, he pens a book exposing all the secrets because he got played.

Advertisement

So excerpts from the book have leaked, and they are making Trump look about as bad as you would’ve guessed. According to Comey’s petty ass, the president wanted the FBI to investigate the alleged pee tapes because Melania Trump was mad, and noted that he would never let Russian hookers piss around him because he’s a noted germaphobe. Oh, and he also asked Comey—because it pays to be the cutest orangutan in the jungle—whether he looks like a man who has to pay for sex.

It only took a morning for the petulant child in office to rail on Twitter. Raise your hand if you didn’t see it coming.

Advertisement

Never forget: If Trump’s tweeting about it, it’s because he’s losing, and Trump knows that the court of public opinion has never been on his side. He’s currently the first sitting president to be embroiled in a Russia investigation; he’s forced to defend allegations about Russian hookers and water sports; there are rumors that he may have fathered a child with a maid; and now the former FBI agent has written a tell-all book blasting his tan lines and height.

This is where we are, America, and while I love my share of pettiness, this is starting to feel like Love & Hip Hop: The White House, and even Mona Scott-Young wouldn’t produce this.