What is this sweet scent of manure wafting in the afternoon air? Ahhh, yes! The White House press briefing. And what a show of fecal spray it was today.
On a day when Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, Manafort’s right-hand man, surrendered to authorities after a federal grand jury indicted the pair on 12 counts, White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders put on one of her most dazzling displays of truth bending to date.
Sanders executed her usual routine of evading questions by saying that she hadn’t “spoken to the president about it” (then bish, why are you here?) and dragging Hillary Clinton’s name into business that has nothing to do with her. But because this administration’s motto is “(Lie) faster, (cheat) higher, (bullshit) stronger,” Sanders also added in a three-minute-long word problem and her best Mariah Carey impersonation.
Sanders wore Pepto Bismol pink to
lie-apalooza the press conference, maybe because all the lies she was about to spew forth on the taxpayer dime were giving her a bad case of the bubble guts.
Here’s a quick rundown:
LOL, Sarah, Quit Playing
Sanders, who shares genes with a man who easily cracks the top three least-funny men on the planet, opted to begin the briefing with a joke.
“I’d like to start the briefing today by addressing a topic I know all of you are preparing to ask me about,” Sanders said to a room full of stressed-out political reporters who did not have time for this. “Tax reform.”
Ohohohohoh Sarah! You got jokes!
10 Reporters Walk Into a ... Wait, Where Were We?
Sanders, in her spiel touting tax reform, tried to draw an analogy explaining why rich people get tax breaks. To do so, she constructed what may actually be the stupidest word problem ever created—one that hinged on reporters and beer.
It’s not a word problem worth repeating because it’s extremely convoluted and hinges on several factual errors: that drunk reporters know how to do math (most sober ones don’t), that a reporter would have enough energy after settling the bill that she would start arguing over her savings in comparison with her colleagues (what kind of assholes are these reporters?), or that 10 reporters living and working in Washington, D.C., would only spend $100 at a bar.
Did Someone Say Clinton?
And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: when Sanders has to address the charges special counsel Robert Mueller brought against former Trump aides Manafort and Gates, as well as former Trump junior foreign policy advisor George Papadopoulos’ guilty plea.
Frankly, I think this is Sanders’ favorite part. Watch as she proverbially clutches her faux pearls in faux-righteous anger and asks, But why aren’t we talking about Hillary, though?
“The real collusion scandal, as we’ve said several times before, has everything to do with the Clinton campaign, Fusion GPS and Russia,” Sanders said, evoking notable criminal investigator O.J. Simpson (emphasis mine).
“There’s clear evidence of the Clinton campaign colluding with Russian intelligence to spread disinformation and smear the president to influence [the election],” Sanders continued.
Huh. Let me shuffle through my papers a bit here—and by papers I mean these stacks of credit card offers that I hold on to as if they were my damn dowry.
Oh yes, funny how nann one member of the Clinton campaign has been charged by a federal prosecutor with conspiracy against the United States.
I Don’t Know Her
Get ready—the White House is basically turning into one big Mariah Carey IDontKnowHer.gif.
When asked directly about Papadopoulos’ specific relationship to Trump and his campaign, Sanders tried to distance him from the administration.
“It was a volunteer position,” Sanders said, making the former policy adviser sound like a teen doing a Habitat for Humanity project on spring break.
“No activity was ever done in an official capacity on behalf of the campaign,” Sanders continued.
Manafort has pleaded guilty to making a false statement but has entered pleas of not guilty for the higher charges, including, once again, conspiracy against the whole-ass country. But as the Washington Post notes, even though Papadopoulos is a smaller fish than Manafort, his plea deal is the game changer here because it means he’s actively cooperating with Mueller’s investigation.
As much as Sanders wants to play down the former Trump campaign policy adviser as though he were some transfer student who showed up for one group project meeting and dipped, that plea deal indicates otherwise. You know who receives plea deals?
People who got the dirt and are ready to dish that shit.
Read more at the Washington Post.