Image: Jeff J Mitchell (Getty Images/The Root)

Now this is a story all about how
White America got tricked, turned upside down
I’d like to take a minute, so sit right there
I’ll tell you why Trump’s a gangsta rapper who stole Ice T’s hair.

Ever since Donald Trump became America’s 45th president, I have had a sense of nigga vu about him.

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Wait. You’ve never had “nigga vu”? It’s like deja vu, only blacker. Nigga vu is the subconscious, instinctive sense of knowing something that you can’t shake, no matter how hard you try. Like when you notice that the goth kid who sits behind you in class has a bulge under his trench coat so you skip social studies class. Or when something tells you not to try Samantha’s green bean casserole at the company picnic and you later discover she owns 11 cats that she kisses in the mouth before leaving for work each day.

Scientists say it comes from the same part of the black brain that tells us exactly how much sugar goes in a Kool-Aid pitcher and gives every black person a personal, improvised, ballet-like move on the kick-turn part of the Electric Slide.

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Well, I’ve always had that eerie feeling about Donald Trump. It wasn’t about his racism, xenophobia, low IQ or inability to speak in coherent sentences. There was something else about him that nagged at me like the sparseness of Chadwick Boseman’s beard.

Then something happened on Wednesday that brought it all together.

Early Wednesday morning, on the 32nd day of the federal shutdown, Donald Trump woke up and decided to brighten the day of the furloughed workers, who are on the brink of poverty because of his dumb border wall, with a few hot bars from the first single of his upcoming release, Get Rich or Be Impeached Trying:

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Later that day, Trump’s former fixer Michael Cohen announced that he would not testify before Congress because of threats from Trump and the former chief of staff to the Night King, Rudy Giuliani, according to CNBC. (Don’t act like Rudy doesn’t look like this guy. I don’t know his official title. Is he the Vice Night King? Night King pro tem?)

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“Due to ongoing threats against his family from President Trump and Mr. Giuliani, as recently as this weekend, as well as Mr. Cohen’s continued cooperation with ongoing investigations, by advice of counsel, Mr. Cohen’s appearance will be postponed to a later date,” said Lanny Davis, Cohen’s attorney.

All of a sudden, it hit me:

Donald Trump is a gangster rapper.

Here’s why.

He loves beef.

Omarosa. April Ryan. Oprah. Frederica Wilson. Yamiche Alcindor.

Those are just a few black women with whom Trump has had beef. The only people who have argued more with black women on the internet are XXXtenacion and Tariq Nasheed. Trump’s beef with Nancy Pelosi will probably end up like Jay-Z vs. Nas. Everyone knows Nas won (fight me) but neither party will admit they lost. When it comes to beef, Don 45 Savage Trump is like the pettiest rapper who ever lived. I know it seems like an insult, but I’m going to have to say it:

Donald Trump is the 50 Cent of presidents.

White people are his base.

If you ever attend a Drake concert, you will see that, while hip-hop is a black art form, the only people who still purchase albums and buy concert tickets are white people. And white people love Donald Trump.

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And no matter how stupid or vapid he sounds, his base will eat it up. White people love mediocre rappers. Who do you think is buying Post Malone albums? If 15-year-old white girls stopped supporting Nicki Minaj she’d be struggling to pay back the student debt from dental hygienist school right now.

He has his own clothing line.

I don’t know why, but every rapper has to have their own clothing line. It comes included in the gangsta rapper starter kit. Even Lil Wayne has a clothing line (Trukfit), and never in the history of people has anyone uttered the words, “I really like what Lil Wayne is wearing.”

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Even though Don “Pee Diddy” Combover dresses like someone who lost a lot of weight and then gained it back, but didn’t gain as much as he lost so now he has to wear his fat clothes, he somehow makes money selling apparel.

And if you are wondering who buys Trump ties, I have a theory:

People who buy Trump-brand clothing are the same people who buy Trukfit gear: white hillbillies and black deacons.

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He won’t show his tax returns.

Everyone knows that real Gs don’t pay taxes. Ask T.I., DMX or Waka Flocka. (I don’t have any evidence that Waka doesn’t pay his taxes, but he looks like he thinks a 1040 is a hype rapper from the Bay area.)

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The real reason the Noxious P.I.G. won’t release his returns is that he would lose his street credibility.

He loves to make it rain on dem...

Lil Wayne once said “It ain’t tricking if you got it,” a philosophy confirmed by The National Enquirer and Michael Cohen, who both paid women for Trump’s trysts. Like many gangsta rappers, he doesn’t mess with anyone but model chicks.

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And I know you’re wondering, but I will not mention the fact that there might be a tape of a Russian sex worker making it rain on him.

He is a supporter of the “stop snitching” movement.

As we previously mentioned, Goatface Killa and his attorney may have promised a set of presidential stitches to Michael Cohen if he continues to snitch. The Root obtained exclusive footage of Trump looking for the person inside his cabinet who wrote the infamous New York Times editorial:

And never forget this tweet:

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The Trump administration is Death Row Records.

As the person responsible for all the racism and xenophobia that made them a hit, Steve Bannon was the Dr. Dre of the Trump Row Records, but he was tired of all the bullshit, so he left the company before it went down in flames. Donald Trump will probably end up as Suge Knight’s cellmate while Sarah Huckabee Sanders will try to continue her career, only to find out that people find her voice too annoying, just like Michel’le.

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I can’t wait to see Jared “Tupac” Shakur-shner and Stephen Doggy Dogg Miller go to jail for being “2 of America’s Most Wanted.”

Other proof:

  • He loves covering stuff in gold.
  • He likes Kardashians.
  • All his homies are felons.
  • He travels with a posse.
  • He wears baseball caps.
  • He pretends to love Jesus.
  • He only likes white women.

Hopefully, like the No Limit Soldiers, Murder Inc., and the Infamous White Walker Crew, the Trump administration will soon fall off. I can’t wait to see the Ben Carson episode of Unsung or see Ivanka Trump squeeze her bloated, surgically reconstructed body into a onesie for the VH1 Honors.

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Or better yet, here is an artist rendering of the Ol’ Racist Bastard hearing that he will be arrested on felony charges:

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Collusion was the case that they gave him.