The First Gray President

Alex Wong/Getty Images
Alex Wong/Getty Images

Some 365 days, 11 hours and 23 minutes ago, we realized that a sentient sweet potato with the penis, fingers and temperament of a toddler would become the 45th president of these United States (time may vary depending on when you read this, your time zone and how long you wept into your pillow).


Since that day, we have witnessed the dotard in chief (copyright Damon Young) attempt to strip America of health care, tweet his way to the precipice of nuclear war, and send symbolic high-five hand slaps to white supremacists and Nazis (I’ve decided to stop using the prefix “neo-” when referring to Nazis, because ... why?)

Here at The Root, our readers are invited to comment on our articles and all of the content across the Kinja platform. Although we might be slightly biased, we believe that the readers here are some of the brightest, funniest people on the internet. They add commentary, wit and insightful feedback to everything we do.

Some of these commenters often have reasonable opinions that differ from some of the things we write about. There is nothing wrong with that. We often post content that highlights opposing viewpoints. Take, for instance, Kirsten West Savali’s piece on Chrisette Michelle that differed from my take. Or Terrell Jermaine Star’s brilliant piece on patriotism and my counterargument. We appreciate differences of opinion.


And then there are “the grays.”

“The gray” is our nickname for the segregated part of our comments section dedicated to trolls. Our readers mostly ignore these idiots. But when a visitor to this site is really curious about what the trolls are saying, they can choose to read that content, except the trolls’ posts are tinted slightly lighter than the normal content—or gray.


Most people visit the grays only once. After they go wash their eyes out, talk to their individual higher power and cry a little bit, whenever someone asks them if they saw a comment in the grays, the usual response is, “Nah, I’m good.”

The grays like to say the n-word safely from the anonymity of the internet. They inject a variation of “Not all white people” or “What about black-on-black crime?” into every argument. They type in all caps and confuse “loose” with “lose.” Their purpose is to short-circuit every conversation with white tears, hate and name-calling. They are usually ignoramuses who use name-calling, falsehoods and racism to troll for attention.


This is our president.

Donald Trump is basically the personification of every shit talker in every comments section on the internet. He runs the country as if he’s commenting on a Facebook post or replying to a thread on Reddit. For him, everything is fodder for his particular brand of fuckboyism. He is the troll in chief.


For years, diplomats and experts in politics have debated whether America should engage in bilateral talks with North Korea regarding nuclear weapons or join with other nations in multilateral diplomacy. In September 2009, in his first speech to the United Nations, President Barack Obama said:

Today, let me put forward four pillars that I believe are fundamental to the future that we want for our children: non-proliferation and disarmament; the promotion of peace and security; the preservation of our planet; and a global economy that advances opportunity for all people.

First, we must stop the spread of nuclear weapons, and seek the goal of a world without them.

This institution was founded at the dawn of the atomic age, in part because man’s capacity to kill had to be contained. For decades, we averted disaster, even under the shadow of a superpower stand-off. But today, the threat of proliferation is growing in scope and complexity. If we fail to act, we will invite nuclear arms races in every region, and the prospect of wars and acts of terror on a scale that we can hardly imagine.


Trump, our president, used his first speech to the United Nations as if he were making a Snapchat video and decided to insult North Korean President Kim Jong Un by calling him “Rocket Man.”

Now we are even finding out that Trump basically did the equivalent of Kevin Durant’s fake Instagram by creating people to praise him. He often gave fake newspaper interviews as “publicist John Miller.” Now it seems as if a woman who wrote a letter praising his treatment of women may never have existed.


Like the people you block on Twitter, he uses pejoratives like a hammer. He called NFL players “sons of bitches” and MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski “dumb as a rock.” He has insulted the mayor of London, the president of Mexico, the United Nations, NATO, the speaker of the House, the Senate majority leader and every living former U.S. president.


There are two things we know about most internet trolls: They are all a little bit racist, and they have the grammar of a feral howler monkey.

If an internet comments section became an animated, self-aware organism, it would probably excuse the participants of the Charlottesville, Va., white supremacist rally the way Trump did. It would probably talk about Chicago as a dog whistle to insinuate how savage black people are. It might even call Mexicans “rapists” and try to enact a law banning people from Muslim countries from entering the United States.


That same comments section brought to life couldn’t differentiate between “too” and “to” or “your” and “you’re.” It would have egregious spelling errors like “unpresidented” and “payed.” You’d probably need a cup of covfefe to read it all.


But most of all, the grays love to spread false information. They are nothing if not colostomy bags full of alternative facts. They will regale you with stories about the “Bowling Green massacre,” the unbelievable size of their inauguration crowd, how they were never in favor of the Iraq War, Obama’s fake birth certificate, how they’re good friends with Russian President Vladimir Putin, the wall they’re going to build, how they have never met Putin, how we’re the highest-taxed nation in the world, the illegal-immigrant voters, how they have contacted every dead soldier, how they can’t recall what was said in a secret meeting about contacting Russia, how they have one of the greatest memories in the world, how they decreased the deficit and how there were bad people “on both sides.”

He’s so gray, he probably thinks that paragraph wasn’t about him.

Aside from impeachment, does the Constitution have a way we could “unpresident” someone the way you “unfriend” someone on Facebook? Can we just delete Trump’s president account? I’m sure there’s a way. Or maybe not.


Stop crying! It’s only been a year. We have at least three more to go.

Although ... we might have to endure seven more years if this country decides to “star” Donald Trump on their ballot like they did 365 days, 9 hours and 7 minutes ago (no, I’m not counting). I heard he has already come up with his slogan for 2020:

“Make America gray again.”

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Azure Lore - Hope Rides Alone

Exquisitely done. Fucking bravo.

As an aside, why is it so hard to get out of The Grays around the Kinjaspace anyway? I was out of The Grays at nearly all the sister sites long before finally getting out here, but am still Gray at my other usual hangouts (Splinter News and recent newcomer AV Club). I don’t think I’d be in agreement with a site-wide approval system where approval on one gets you approval on all, but there should certainly be a system in place where being approved on three or four pages unlocks approval on all.

Ugh, look at me. I’m ranting about how Kinja works/doesn’t work now. I’m spending too much time at AV Club.