The Black Person’s Guide to the Trump Impeachment Hearings

Photo: Jim Lo Scalzo (Getty Images)

The House of Representatives began impeachment hearings for President Donald J. Trump on Wednesday. While everyone seems to have a different idea of what this actually means, we decided to prepare this handy dandy guide that breaks the process down into digestible language without relying on bullshit phraseology about “American values” and the “integrity of our democracy.”

Impeachment starts today! I’ve been waiting for them to kick this racist motherfucker out of office!

Well, don’t pop the Champale just yet. These are only the impeachment hearings, which is different from the impeachment trial, which is not the same as being kicked out of office.

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But you said “impeached.”

Yes, but impeachment is a process. The U.S. Constitution says a president can only be “removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.” This phase will try to determine if Trump’s offenses are impeachable. If they fit the above description, the House Judiciary Committee will draw up Articles of impeachment and hold a trial.

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But Donald Trump’s own national security advisor, John Bolton, called the Ukranian shakedown a “drug deal.”

Good point.

If Donald Trump’s attempt at bribing Ukraine’s president was a drug deal, you must remember that Donald Trump is a white man. White people use illegal drugs at higher rates than black people but they are arrested half as often. Even when they are arrested, they are convicted at much lower rates than black people.

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On Wednesday, George Kent, the State Department’s official in charge of Ukraine, will give a statement before the House Intelligence Committee, which is in charge of this phase of the process. Think of them as the cops. Kent has snitched on Trump and wrote a letter that he heard Trump offer $391 million for 10 kilos of election interference. Also testifying is William Taylor, the senior U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine. He testified that Trump’s corner boy, Rudy Giuliani, was trying to arrange a pickup for the 10 keys.

So this will only take a couple of hours?

Not quite.

Every black person knows that when you get in trouble with the law, you must to go to church to ask the saints of God to say a word of prayer.

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An impeachment hearing is a lot like Easter Sunday at a black church, so there will be a lot of grandstanding. After Kent and Taylor give their Easter speeches, they will be interrogated by the deacon board.

Then each Democrat on the committee will get five minutes to explain what the Bible says about quid pro quo. Republicans will also get five minutes to ramble about how their God is a forgiving God and explain that Trump has repented for his sins. Then they have to take up the offering, the pastor (Adam Schiff) will say a few words, as well as the assistant pastor (Devin Nunes).

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It’s going to be a while.

What will Donald Trump be doing?

He will be free to do whatever he wants. According to a Princeton University study, the average white person’s bail is $10,000 lower than the average black person’s bail, so Donald Trump will be out on the street trying to intimidate witnesses and lying about his innocence. He has already started:

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What happens after that?

Well, after everyone testifies that Donald Trump did what he actually did, the House Judiciary Committee will draw up articles impeachment. Then the House will vote on whether he should be impeached. Basically, they are the grand jury.

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Then they will impeach his ass?

Didn’t I just tell you that Donald Trump is white?

Remember Darren Wilson? (Hint: A grand jury declined to indict him after he killed Michael Brown.) Remember Daniel Pantaleo? (Hint: A grand jury declined to indict him after he killed Eric Garner.) Remember Timothy Loehmann? (Hint: A grand jury declined to indict him after he killed Tamir Rice .)

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After hearing witnesses, seeing the evidence and watching the president obstruct justice in real-time, it is likely that the House will vote for Donald Trump’s impeachment. But you must remember that Donald Trump is a rich, powerful white man who is protected by rich, powerful white men.

If you’re black, you know what this means.

Oh, right. Well, I guess all black people can do is vote him out of office.

Correct. All black people can do is overcome voter suppression, fight gerrymandering, ignore the misinformation, survive the hidden racist whims of 52 percent of white women and 62 percent of white men, hope the Russians don’t collude again, pray that Joe Biden gets into a gang feud with the ghost of Corn Pop, and maybe we can get Donald Trump out of office.

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Or, we can wait for justice from the same people who did nothing about police brutality, Russian collusion, white supremacist violence, the dismantling of the Voting Rights Act and Candace Owens’ Press & Curl.

With liberty and justice for all.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.