Black people love Donald Trump.
In the 2016 election, Donald Trump earned more black votes (8 percent, according to the Roper Center) than Mitt Romney in 2012 (6 percent) or John McCain in 2008 (4 percent). While Barack Obama’s blackness or the Russians may have had something to do with that, in 2016, twice as many black people voted for Donald Trump (5 million votes) than were arrested (2,263,112, according to the FBI Uniform Crime Report).
Everyone knows that black people are criminals. Therefore, if black people were twice as likely to vote for Trump than commit a crime, using white logic, we can conclude that black people love Donald Trump. That’s just science.
And while Trump supporters may be a small minority of black people, it is important to know who they are, why they choose to support the dimwitted, tanning booth-weathered love child of Pennywise and Lord Voldemort and—most importantly—how to spot these rare creatures in the wild.
As a member of the growing subset of wypipologists who study Trump-related subjects (a Lie-entist, if you will) I have cataloged every single genus and species of black Donald Trump supporters for your edification:
One of “the good ones.” These are the black people who are willing to serve as mascots for the white people who love Trump. They do so for a variety of reasons. Some of them are black people of middling intelligence, but when they are surrounded by mediocre white people, the combination of racism and low-IQ makes conservatives think the MAGA-scots must be geniuses.
Take Candace Owens, for instance. She was once a left-leaning liberal with no particular talent until she learned that her ability to restrict her vocal chords to mimic Caucastic indignation made her the perfect person at which white people could point when they say: “See, she gets it.”
How to spot them: This group is the easiest to spot. The women usually wear bright red clownish rouge and use phrases like “Black People are not a monolith” and talk negatively about Planned Parenthood and Beyoncé’s short dresses because—like most Republicans—they are very concerned about other women’s vaginas.
The men are always clean-shaven and often explain how they never asked for handouts as they rose from being the son of a sharecropper. I don’t know where all these black sharecroppers are or why they fuck so much but trust me, they are always the son of a sharecropper.
They also have small penises (Hey, I’m just sharing information).
Prominent MAGA-scots: Candace Owens, Paris Dennard
I mean... some people are just dumb, bruh. They get taken advantage of because they’re really not very smart and they like shiny things. For these people, Trump is as interesting as a rattle to an infant. It is brightly colored and it makes a lot of noise.
How to spot them: You don’t have to ask them the Pythagorean theorem or anything. Just talk to them. You’ll know.
Prominent Dummies: Diamond and/or Silk; Floyd Mayweather
3. Churchless Pastors
Description: There are some, like my colleague Damon Young, who wonder where all these black preachers who support Trump come from. Luckily, I have the data to answer that question.
Contrary to Mr. Young’s scientific hypothesis, they are not produced in a Bluetooth factory. Have you ever seen any of the so-called “pastors” who support Trump leading a service at their actual church? Have you ever been at your house of worship and heard a visitor say: “I attend Bootlicker Baptist where the Reverend Darrell Scott is my pastor?”
Of course not.
Donald Trump is a fake preacher’s wet dream. Think about it: He’s a man who tells lies to large crowds and convinces them to believe in shit they have never seen (large inauguration crowds, roving bands of Mexican rapists, his intelligence...). They cheer during his sermon and then they give him money!
When Trump implores the audience to chant “Build that wall,” he’s basically doing the same thing black preachers do when they tell the congregation to “turn to your neighbor.” “Lock her up” is basically the wypipo version of “God is good...”
(And if you didn’t just say: “All the time,” please send your black card in a self-addressed stamped envelope to The Root’s New York office.)
How to spot them: They always invoke scripture, but when you ask them about Trump’s sins, their only response is “I’m not here to judge. As Christians, we are supposed to look past his faults. I serve a forgiving God.”
Prominent Churchless Pastors: Rev. Darrell “Top Gang Thugs” Scott; Rev. Mark “Not a Kappa” Burns
4. Black Conspiracy Theorists
Black people love a good conspiracy theory and whether its Q Anon, Benghazi or Hillary Clinton’s emails, TrumpPets are willing to believe anything they read on the internet because it makes them feel like they know something everyone else doesn’t know.
These are the people who were targeted by the Russian propaganda campaign because half of America doesn’t read books or reputable news sources. The other half believes everything on the internet is true, no matter where it comes from. For these people, a story from ImProbablyLyingAboutThis.com is the same as the Washington Post.
I have an uncle who loves Alex Jones. No matter how much I disprove his craziness, he shrugs it off by asking: “Yeah, but how do you know that’s true?” Even when I think I’ve convinced him, the conversation always ends with: “But you gotta admit, he be knowing a lotta shit.”
How to spot them: The difficult thing about dealing with these people is that you cannot convince them of the truth because, no matter how much evidence you show them, they can always dismiss it with: “That’s what they want you to believe.” I’m still trying to find out who “they” is.
The best way to spot them is to bring up one of a widespread conspiracy theory and see if they bite. Ask them if Tupac is dead, if Beyoncé is in the Illuminati or whether the Willie Lynch letter is real.
Prominent Black Conspiracy Theorists: Michael the Black Man, Roseanne Barr (Oh, you thought Roseanne Barr was white? That’s what they want you to believe.)
5. “Different” Black People
When white people assure you that they have a black friend, these are the people they are talking about. Although they also can’t exist without being in close proximity to whiteness, these people are not the same as MAGA-scots. These are the people who only had white friends growing up and claim they were teased by all the black kids. They will tell you it’s because they are smart or “different” but it’s really because everyone is teased when they are young.
They believe they are not “regular black” because they played Dungeons and Dragons and listened to alternative rock. But it’s not that guitar music and wizard-shit appeals to them, it’s whiteness that they crave. They don’t really get involved in politics but because they only hang around white people and only watch Fox News, their view of Trump is mostly positive. They will never tell you that they support Trump, they will just vote for him.
Plus, they get the heebie-jeebies when anyone brings up race.
How to spot them: Because these people try their best to avoid spaces filled with people who don’t understand them, they don’t often go to black barbershops or beauty salons. Therefore, you can always tell from their hair. They always look like they go to Supercuts and ask for “All Lives Matter” special.
You can also spot them from their wardrobe. The men wear khakis and running shoes, usually Asics. The women usually wear Birkenstocks.
Prominent “Different” Black People: Dennis Rodman, the black guy in all Buffalo Wild Wings Commercials, Azealia Banks
6. True Believers
Believe it or not, there are black people who believe in Trump’s ideology. I know this is hard to believe, but you must remember that after the Emancipation Proclamation, there were slaves who chose to stay on their masters’ plantations. There were black people who didn’t like Martin Luther King, Jr. I’ve even read about black people who don’t like watermelon. Of course, I would never touch those people but they do exist.
A lot of True Believers are devout Christians who will tell you that God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. If you tell them that 6,000 years ago, there were probably more gay men in the middle east than there were guys named Adam, they will tell you that you need prayer.
How to spot them: They are always clean-shaven and they emphasize their Rs when they talk. They only go to churches that sing songs out of hymnals because they don’t like that freewheeling shit. They clap on the upbeat and they absolutely love Condoleeza Rice.
Or simply tell them that you are an atheist just to see their brains explode.
Prominent True Believers: Tim Scott, Ben Carson, Tina Campbell
Some people are Trump supporters because it benefits them in some way. Maybe they are trying to climb the career ladder at a conservative law firm. Maybe they want to be a Republican mascot. Maybe they’re presented with the choice of touring the country singing in a gospel version of Love Jones or performing two songs at his inauguration. Perhaps they’re just trying to fuck Tomi Lahren.
Just like there are some Democrats who give black people lip service and don’t give a damn about us, there are black people who would sell their nephew’s kidney to a wealthy Russian oligarch for the opportunity to get a little more money or power. They believe that latching on to any white person will help them get to the top and they are willing to try anything.
How to spot them: In private moments, they will tell you they think Trump is despicable, but it’s the side they chose. However, if they are ever called out, or see the need to switch, they will disavow him. They didn’t mean it. Give them a hug.
Be careful, they will stab you in the neck to reach the next rung on the ladder.
Prominent Opportunists: Omarosa Manigault, Steve Harvey, Ray Lewis, Chrisette Michelle
8. Kanye West
See opportunist. See dummies. See “Different Black People.” See “Keeping up With The Kardashians.”
How to spot him: He’s Kanye West!
Prominent Kanye Wests: Kanye West, Yeezy, Kim Kardashian West